Faith III: Fear

I have posted here before about the concept of "Faith." I have found my views reflected and strengthened and improved by the book: Faith: Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience, by Sharon Salzburg.

This is my paraphrasing of what Sharon went through when someone she cared deeply for was dying. It reflects what I slowly learned during the twelve years Gregory and I walked the Dementia// Alzheimer's path. It reflects what I finally knew to be true and held my faith in during the four days during which Gregory was preparing to die.

• • •

If we absolutely insist that things work out only as we want them to, our  hopes become strategies to avoid facing what is, then we have nothing on which to base either effective action or real peace of mind. We're in the hope/fear dilemma.

What one really wants is that the person dying not feel alone, that he feel sheltered and held, that benevolence surrounds him, that he feel loved. This has nothing to do with demanding a specific outcome.

The person is going into the unknown, into a realm none of us can control. That is hard to accept. We cannot go there with him and we cannot really find out what that realm is all about. We feel fear for the person and we feel fear for ourselves.

When one sits side by side with fear and acknowledges it, one can befriend oneself despite the fear and one's heart begins to open.

One is able to meet the unknown without a plan for controlling something that is not within one's power to control. With fear no longer dominating the mind, love can rise freely.

The power of love doesn't shatter in the face of change or disintigrate in the face of ones's own terror of lack of control. One is able to enter into the mystery.

One can hold onto one's faith in oneself, and faith in the person leaving. Faith allows one to relax into the vast space of not knowing.

One feels sorrow but one remembers that life is bigger than its constantly, sometimes drastically, changing circumstances. This is the power of letting go in the face of unexpected changes and doing so with love and peace of mind.

Faith enables us, despite our fear, to get as close as possible to the truth of the present moment, so that we can offer our hearts fully to it, with integrity.

We might hope and plan and arrange and try, but faith enables us to be fully engaged while also realizing that we are not in control, and that no strategy can ever put us in control, of the unfolding of events.

Faith gives us a willingness to engage life, which means the unknown, and not to shrink back from it.

To have courage, just as to have faith, is to be full of heart. With courage we openly acknowledge what we can't control, make wise choices about what we can affect, and move forward into the uncultivated terrain of the next moment.

Experiencing Gregory's death with faith instead of fear meant experiencing him fully as he was and as he continued to change and when he finally left me. It meant that even though there was little I could do, I could continue loving him and to stay connected to him.

For many years I continued to love him in ways not based on language skills, mobility, or even his staying alive. The closeness, the understanding, the devotion of love did not diminish in my letting go of expectations.

By revealing the grace of connection with qualifications, no matter what is happening, love releases us from our efforts to control life and strengthens our ability to just love and to be loved.

Faith II: Why do we love?

I have posted here before about the concept of "Faith." I have found my views reflected and strengthened and improved by the book: Faith: Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience, by Sharon Salzburg.

Here is a quote from her book:

"... I was asked, "'Why do we love people?' I answered, 'Because they recognize us.' I think this is true. When someone recognizes a basic goodness within us, beyond our habits  and conditioning, when someone recognizes who we fundamentally are, it is the most important thing that can happen to us, and we respond with great love."

Gregory did this for me. He not only encouraged me to be myself but he encouraged me to be more of who I was!

Faith

I have posted here before about the concept of "Faith." I have found my views reflected and strengthened and improved by the book: Faith: Trusting Your Own Deepest Experience, by Sharon Salzburg.

She begins the book with: "For some this will be a very different approach to faith. Many link faith to narrow-minded belief systems, lack of intelligent examination, or pain at having one's questions silenced. Faith might evoke images of submission to an external authority. Historically, the idea of faith has been used to slice cleanly between those who belong to a select group and those who do not. To fuel their own embittered agendas, fanatics harness what they call faith to hatred.

"I want to invite a new use of the word faith, one that is not associated with a dogmatic religious interpretation or divisiveness. I want to encourage delight in the word, to help reclaim faith as fresh, vibrant, intelligent, and liberating. This is a faith that emphasizes a foundation of love and respect for ourselves. It is a faith that uncovers our connection to others, rather than designating anyone as separate or apart.

"Faith does not require a belief system, and is not necessarily connect to a deity or God. thought it doesn't deny one. The faith is not a commodity we either have or don't have ― it is an inner quality that unfolds as we learn to trust our own deepest experience.

I like her look at what faith can and should be. Often I have said that for me, faith doesn't mean faith in any one religion or in a God, but rather faith in myself to make the right decisions and to trust myself to do the right thing. I have learned a lot from studying many religions, but I take a risk by admitting that I do not need a religion to tell me how to trust or do the right thing. I do not say that this is true for all, and I respect other's approach to their religion, but for me, my approach works well enough.

I write this here on my Alzheimer's Blog because "Faith" is what has helped me through the journey that Gregory and I walked (sometimes ran, sometimes skipped, and sometimes stumbled) for the last twelve years since his diagnosis of Dementia/ Alzheimer's.

Faith is what is helping me grieve and live with Gregory's passing (October 4, 2015) and with carrying on with my next chapter in life without him. As Starwars Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi said: "May the FORCE be with you." I would give you my wish, "May your FAITH in yourself be with you."

The Present is All We Really Have

Barbara,

MTE had your name all the time. I just hadn’t received notification yet. Thanks so much for your donation in Gregory’s memory! So far they have raised $2,500.00, so pleased. I will be writing personal thank you's when I get the chance.

Yes this is a period of adjustment. For me I learned to live on a day to day basis without the Gregory I knew, when he went into Lieberman some 18 months ago. I am happy not to be going there every day. But I do miss him. And as you said the physicality of being able to hold him is difficult and I got so used to the  new “interactions” we developed as he continued loosing abilities. 

M: "You know what?" 

G: "What?" 

M: "I love you." 

G: "I love you." 

M: "You make me very happy." 

G: Laughter  

M: "I will always be here for you!"

For me two main issues are “haunting” me. 

1) Moving on to what will be the next chapter of my life. While I am trying to be good to myself and not rush things, I cannot yet envision what that will be. The idea of growing old alone is a little scary. My own mortality is a little scary. and 

2) Trying to make sense out of nonsense which is what life, death, Gregory’s journey, his death, and my life seem to be.  Periodically I loose faith in my understanding of what it is all about. Then I remember "Love and be loved!"

But as I said, I am being good to myself. I am allowing “day at a time” with no expectations, not too many plans, keeping myself busy so I don’t get overwhelmed by it all, and at times getting overwhelmed by it all. 

I will make a few short trips in the coming months. Am going to be with Gregory’s family this weekend. Want to get to New Orleans for 4 for 5 days. Will probably go to Gregory’s Great Nephew’s wedding in March in South Carolina but still thinking about that one.

The More Than Ever Education Fund as being promoted and organized by La Casa Norte will keep me busy. They want me to be part of the planning of a Spring luncheon honoring the fund, memorializing Gregory, and presenting the first few scholarships. There will be media events, interviews, and meeting lots of new people.

Also, I need to visit my Lieberman friends, residents and staff, periodically. I did so last Sunday and it wasn’t too difficult to be there. 

At my request, there will be a Lieberman lunch meeting (I’ll provide the Kosher tray from Max’s Deli) for all the administrators, department heads, and key Special Memory Care Unit where Gregory lived.

By way of sharing my observations over the last 18 months and my premise that they provide great health care but fall down on the social/emotional/community aspect of life for people with Dementia/Alzheimer’s, I am presenting a “Fantasy Story” of what an IDEAL Lieberman Center Dementia/ Alzheimer's Unit could be. I'll publish that here later.

So again, as I am prone to do, I started writing this as a reply to you and with you in mind as I wrote, but you will see it again on my blog. Love you and your continued support!

Michael

Faith

I have often spoken about FAITH and asked ... "But faith in what?" Most people associate the word with religion and as you know, I do not consider myself religious. 

This article seems to sum it up for me. Faith is longing for something and then doing everything we can to achieve it. Therefore Faith in Oneself. 

It also involves knowing and understanding the drawbacks and accepting that we might very well choose to never achieving the something. That is Belief in Oneself. 

Respectfully not to offend some of you, but for me that does not include a God!

From Zurchungpa's Testament by Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche.http://www.shambhala.com/zurchungpa-s-testament.html

FAITH IS CLEAR ASPIRATION

When the Dharma and one's being have truly mingled, then there is perfect faith. Faith also implies aspiration, a sense of longing. When we long to become very rich, for example, we do everything necessary, undergo great hardship, and expend a lot of energy to achieve this goal. The same is true for wishing to become famous or to acheive any other worldly goal: if our aspiration and determination are strong enough, we will manage to achieve what we want. This is a very powerful quality. Similarly, with faith there is a strong motivation and wish to achieve something, and a natural understanding of the drawbacks of not having this sort of aspiration. When faith has become truly blended with one's mind and become part of it, then one's Dharma practice naturally becomes genuine and pure. This is what is meant by the "perfect Dharma." This clear aspiration to practice the Dharma is what we call faith.