ANNOUNCING: A Documentary

Very pleased and excited to announce that Gregory and I will be featured in a documentary about our Journey with Alzheimer's as produced by a team of students from Chapman University in Orange, California including Gabe Schimmel who is the son of one of Gregory's college chums and one of Gregory and my favorite long time friends.

Gabe is currently studying film production with an emphasis in editing and is enrolled in program called Community Voices - a documentary filmmaking course that partners students with various non-profit organizations across Orange County and culminates in a 10-15 minute documentary film. 

The initial goal is to produce a short promo video that the organization can use for it’s own purposes, but the actual documentary is character - based and is not produced in conjunction with the organization - the only requirement is that it be related to the social issue/cause the organization is championing. 

His team has been partnered with the Orange County Alzheimer’s Association, and the team asked to make their documentary about Gregory and my story. Gabe says, "The way you've taken care of Greg is touching in way I can't quite describe in words, suffice to say that I think your story has to potential to inspire and give hope to a lot of people. I think we have the resources to do your story justice, and I think it's a story that needs to be told."

Once the films are completed they don't just stay in the classroom - they run on PBS and screen at various film festivals, how exciting is that?

True Emotions - Untrue Triggers

The quotes below are taken from The Five Levels of Attachment by Don Miguel Ruiz Jr. You may be familiar with The Four Agreements by his father Don Miguel Ruiz. Both books have been important helps to me with improving the quality of understanding my beliefs and behaviors as well as in dealing with Gregory's Alzheimer's.

While I have always recognized emotions as a part of being human, I felt that emotions out of control were a bad thing. I never thought of them as an anchor to how I am feeling about myself or my environment.

I wrote about this recently when I realized that when dealing with a difficult interaction between Gregory and myself, my emotions would seemingly inappropriately explode. It turns out the emotions were real and I needed to honor and give them notice. The difficulty was that old expectations in my relationship with Gregory were triggering the emotions and the triggers were no longer true.

For example now and then I would interpret Gregory's behavior as showing his not caring or not trying hard enough to behave in a way that I was used to. Turns out the emotions caused by my interpretation was real but the trigger was no longer true. He does the best he can but the Alzheimer's is what at times scrambles his behavior, not his lack of caring.

I realized that I was still allowing the old triggers to cause my emotions when if effect, the old triggers were no longer true. I needed to look at those triggers and delete them while adding new triggers and new emotions, like feeling nurturing in place of feeling anger when Gregory did something that looked like a lack of caring when in reality it was that he could no longer focus on the issue at hand.

A short while later, I came across this discussion in Ruiz Jr's book which reinforced what I had already begun to understand:

"It is important to keep in mind that our emotions are real and should not  be ignored as if they don't exist or stuffed away as if they aren't valid. Emotions create the most authentic anchor we have to ourselves.

"The whole spectrum of emotions--fear love, jealousy, insecurity, anger, joy--is very real. But here's the thins: What triggers those emotions may not be real. 

"Our emotions--regardless of the triggers--are expressions of ourselves. These are the important questions to ask: Are we aware of the triggers? Do we know if the trigger is based on reality or if it is based on faulty information? Is the trigger based on an attachment to a certain belief or expectation?

"Uncomfortable emotions are like car alarms: they let us know there is a problem to attend to, a wound for us to wrk on, thus allowing us to see our own truth. Whenever an emotions gets triggered, it is the opportune moment to ask questions such as: What is this about? What agreement is at the heart of this? What attachment does this threaten? Do I really believe this? Is it important? Answering these questions gives us the opportunity to examine our beliefs and choose whether or not to continue to believe.

"We honor our emotions by realizing that they are an expression of how we feel and what we are going through. We look at what has triggered our emotions, while still allowing ourselves to simply feel. We further honor our emotions by having the awareness that they may have been triggered by something not based on truth. Thus we use our emotions as a tool for transformation, because they completely expose whatever agreement has been hiding beneath the surface.

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 6

This session provided yet another round of spiral awarenesses and growth. I set as my Intention looking at the concept of CALM. 

My Heartfelt Desire on a general level was to work at approaching everything I do in my life from a place of LOVE, and specifically to approach my life with Gregory from a place of LOVE rather than sadness,anger, fear, frustration, and lack of patience.

Through the Initial Relaxation I was able to settle in very quickly. With Intention and Heartfelt Desire set I found that the Body and Breathing Sensing was peaceful and I did not get "antsy" but continued to settle into the Practice.

During the Feelings and Emotions, I chose CALM and CHAOS. It was interesting that this time my hands got into the process. When I focused on CALM I found my thumb and first finger slowly, smoothly, gracefully opening and closing. 

When I shifted my focus to CHAOS, my thumb and first finger rapidly snapped open and closed. I only became aware of these movements after I had shifted back and forth a few times. 

As I focused on these movements I could physically and emotionally sense the feeling. CALM felt calm, slow, peaceful. CHAOTIC felt chaotic, fast, uncomfortable. 

As we looked at Beliefs and I  allowed Heartfelt Desires to come to the front, the message I received was that ALL of my being present for Gregory, GOOD or BAD, CALM or CHAOTIC, comes from LOVE. 

Some of the LOVE IS CALM and makes me feel at peace. Some of the LOVE is CHAOTIC and makes me feel sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, and impatient .... but none the less these feelings surface because of the great LOVE I have for Gregory as we travel together his Alzheimer's Path. 

The CHAOTIC, uncomfortable feelings come because I love Gregory in the first place. If I didn't love him, or care, the feelings would not occur. And the fact that sometimes I am not at my best only shows that I am human and that I care enough to work at being better.

I also became aware of the fact that Alzheimer's is like a game. A game without rules. I have known this before but on this SPIRAL look I realized that being a game without rules means I have to try various approaches, take risks. 

Sometimes my behavior works, other times it does not. This does not mean that I am BAD but rather GOOD. I continue to try to find what works, what works this time and may not work next time and what may or may not return to work again.

I came away from this practice feeling light, and calm.