A Love Affair

I have written about loneliness often in the past. If I thought that I was lonely as Gregory slowly was diminished by Dementia/ Alzheimer's; if I missed having a partner with whom to make decisions, to share responsibilities, to support me through our journey; it is nothing compared to the loneliness I feel now that he is dead. I now face the rest of my life without being able to talk to him, to hold him, to kiss him, to doze off in his arms.

Every time I think I have a hold on this beast called grief, it bites me, it grabs me in its jaws and thrashes me around until I am beat up, broken, and bloody. The more I grieve the more obvious the obvious becomes. My grief has nothing to do with Gregory it has to do with me. My pain, my sorrow, my fears, my loneliness.

I am not so much grieving his death as I am grieving the future of my life. I don't mean to bring you down with me. I will feel better in an hour, later today, or tomorrow. But right now the tears flow freely, and I am sad. I am not sorry that Gregory has died, I am sorry that I continue to have to live without him.

This is not a suicide thought, taking my own life is not what I mean here. More painful than that is having to wake up each morning to face the day and find meaning, purpose, and love in my life when the person who meant the most to me can no longer be part of that except in my thoughts and in my memories.

I read recently somewhere, "Can one have a love affair, a love relationship with someone else when it does not involve the human body?" I am not sure but I sure have been having trouble finding peace in myself without Gregory's presence even though he is at peace.

Thanksgiving Thanks With Purpose

I am aware today that being Thanksgiving has been OK for me. I am completely in the present and not thinking about Gregory and my past Thanksgivings and not thinking about our future ones. (Having typed this is kind of like thinking but not really:-)

I am aware of feeling joyful and happy. I am looking forward to celebrating the holiday. The reason I think is that I have filled today with purpose. I straightened up the condo and emptied the dish washer. I ran a load of laundry. I communicated some on my computer.

I made "Thank You" sign tents to post around Lieberman. This time around no mass distribution of food or candy like other holidays but rather a verbal thank you: Front Desk - Administrative Offices  PT/OT - Volunteer Office - Art Therapy - Life Enrichment - Kitchen - Laundry - 5 Floor Nurses Station - Second Floor Building Lounge - Head Nurse: Alicia - Social Worker: Hannah - Activity Director: Alma - G’s RCA: Tomika, Hazel, Luberta - Dining Room: Dorina - Restorative Nurse: Julie - Dietician: Stephanie - Private Care: Manny and Private Care: Connie.

I gave Manny half of today off and I will be with Gregory for Thanksgiving Dinner at Lieberman. For $7.00 I can join in on the whole roasted turkey, dressing, sweet potatoes, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie. So Gregory and I will be having Thanksgiving Dinner together. I am also looking forward to spending a longer period of time with him instead of the one to three usual hours a day.

I gave Manny off tomorrow so my friend Pat will help Gregory with lunch and I will be with him for dinner again tomorrow.

I did make some "treats" for the immediate helpers on the fifth floor. I baked two 9x13 pans of pecan brownies, cut into a total of 48 pieces.

So in all, I am celebrating Thanksgiving in a new way, in a "here and now" way, in a joyful, wonderful way. I am happy.

Purpose

An interesting observation: When Gregory has a purpose behind what he wants to say, the words just don't come. Sometimes he is able to work out the details of his idea and other times able to hint or dance around the idea. On the other hand, when he just says what he wants to say, without any purpose, the words come easily.

He talks to the cat with no problem. Often he talks to me with no problem: "Do you want music with dinner?" No problem. ""Time for lunch." "I would like a frozen yogurt from Red Mango downstairs." "Bedtime already?" Spontaneous ... no advanced purpose ... no problem.

Formulating a thought ... problem! Yesterday we were on Navy Pier, in the beer garden, enjoying live music. Earlier, when we were having coffee and sharing a cookie, he was trying to tell me about something, some building on the Pier. He couldn't get any further so we let it drop.

Usually I sit and attend quietly with eye contact for as long as he needs while he works out his thoughts. This time he announced, "Oh I can't get there. We'll have to ask Roger." This didn't make much sense either at the time but I let it drop.

On our way to the Beer Garden, he even looked at a map of the Pier but to no avail. While in the Garden he was back on the topic of the "building on Navy Pier." I guessed a little: "Michael's Museum?" No. "The Ball Room?" No. "The Winter Garden?" No. Etc.

Finally he said, "You know ... the garden." "Winter Garden?" I repeated. No. "At our condo?" No. "The Shakespeare Garden at Northwestern?" Y  E  S!

I was then able to put the pieces together. There is a Shakespeare Theater on Navy Pier. We have been to a few shows and they are always great. He was thinking that he would like to see one this summer. Apparently Roger had mentioned that he saw the review of the current Shakespeare play in the newspaper. Puzzle solved ... this time.

Happy & Coping

I think I have written this before but after responding to a friend who read some of my Alzheimer's Blog and who I used to teach with many, many years ago, I felt it was worth saying again.

Again, thanks for the kind words. I like to say that on a scale of horrible to horrible it is terrible. But as you could tell from my writing, Gregory is happy and content and I am coping. We both seem to have Piece and Peace of Mind. Thus, we are doing well. I also like to say that if it stopped here I would be grateful but... and I try not to dwell too much on the future. We consider ourselves blessed and wake up each morning to face the day with love and joy. Take care.

m

I haven't been writing much as I have told you previously because of all the time, effort, work, joy, and magic of getting Michael's Museum at the Chicago Children's Museum up and running. Gregory took great joy and pride in coming to CCM with me during the month of April and the first half of May to help with the unpacking and installation of the MM exhibit. One morning he commented in the car, "I really like getting up so early and coming with, it is like I have purpose!" That sounded good to me.


Michael's Museum Exhibit Photos - Michael Horvich - Picasa Web Albums