Transitions

Dear Readers.

As I make the transition from ending my "Alzheimer's Blog" to re-invigorating my "Writer's Blog", I will double post on both. You can sign up to receive the posts by e-mail or by subscribing. These links are located on the top right side of the page once you are on the writer's blog.

My "mhorvich cares about alzheimer's" blog has been somewhat linear, with some back and forth, but none-the-less following Gregory and my journey since 2010. It shares not only our experiences but also our ups and downs, our lessons, and suggestions that may help you think about life, death, and the activity called living! Even though the journey and the blog are linear, there are benefits from scrolling back through the blog in a non-linear fashion to experience the Journey of Alzheimer's at various twists and turns and rest areas on the path.

My "mhorvich writes" blog is non-linear, more random. I write about what moves me, when it moves me and where it moves me. Sometimes I write about my life experiences, sometimes dreams, often observations and insight into situations, and also just "musings." Some of the writings are in essay form, some memoirs, some poetry. Some are fiction, most are non-fiction. As with a linear blog, you could start at the beginning and work your way through, over time, to the current day post. Or you could dip in here and there to see what you come up with.

Both blogs have "key word descriptions" running along the right side of the page with the number of times that topic has been addressed. If you click on the key word, it will open all of the posts dealing with that descriptor.

Finally, comments are always appreciated. You can sign in with one of the comment accounts or just use "Anonymous." Please add your name or initials if you want me to know who you are. Also, check the "Notify Me"box if you want to receive a reply. I always reply to comments.

Fondly,
Michael

Difficult Seder Visit

Yesterday was the first day of passover. Manny had the day off so he could celebrate Good Friday. I had lunch with Gregory and left when he was taken to physical therapy.

I returned to Lieberman at 4:00 to take Gregory down to the Community Seder. After a telephone call, I was excited that Gregory had finally gotten the special wheel chair "Broda" that I had been pushing for and was looking forward to seeing it.

Instead the old, "normal" model had been taken and a new "normal" model had been substituted instead of the "special" model that had been discussed AND the new "normal" one didn't work.

It was impossible to wheel down he hall in any sense of a hoped for direction. I literally kept bouncing off the walls, had to straighten out the chair and push again until it hit the wall again.

Besides my rotator cuffs acting up, and my back a little out making it even more difficult to fight with his new normal chair, I was very disappointed that the correct chair had not been delivered.

I called the person I had been dealing with and INAPPROPRIATELY read her the riot act. This was at least the third chair that had not worked at all, the one that did work was taken back, and the correct one was not delivered!

I usually do not loose my patience, am gentle and calm in my dealings with Lieberman Staff, and am happy and even tempered in their presence. Not this time, but I learned an important lesson the hard way.

My being upset and bawling out my connection on the phone got Gregory upset. By now we had reached the elevator. My call was complete. But Gregory was very upset and loud and acting out, unfortunately against me! I know he was just reacting but since I caused his upset, I guess he was mad at me.

So there I am in the hall, by the elevators, trying to help Gregory calm down to no avail, with the Social Worker trying to help also, with the head nurse a short distance away observing and probably trying to decide what the outcome will be.

Finally I was able to get Gregory calm, not without a few tears of my own, and I decided that "we" were too upset to try to go down to the community Seder so we stayed up and had dinner at the fifth floor dining room.

It was not as fancy, there was no service or concord wine. I was disappointed that we couldn't go to the seder service but also pleased that I could make a turn around decision, regardless of my disappointment, on Gregory's behalf so quickly.

To add to the drama, the dining room was quite unsettled and uncentered this night.

There have been a lot of new residents joining us on the fifth floor and most of them are going through the transition of being there and not wanting to be there. Two men are plotting together on how to escape.

One thinks he is trapped there having arrived as only a visitor, refuses to use his walker, and argues with everyone!

The other is an "A" type personality who thinks he literally owns the place and expects his "employees" to do his bidding. He is in a wheel chair and demands that everyone in his path help him out of the chair. He is mean, demanding, and absolutely unable to be engaged in a rational, deflecting conversation, like, "You need to have some dinner before you leave," or "The wheel chair is to keep you safe and from falling down."

One woman constantly screams for help and another yells that she is dying, having a heart attack, can't breath etc (all of which have been checked by the nurses but are untrue) and another woman is quite distraught but only speaks a language that none of us understand.

I know things will settle down. The new residents will acclimate, Gregory's new chair will finally arrive, the staff will feel a little less overwhelmed and understaffed. But meanwhile I myself was doing a little crazy thinking wanting to break Gregory out of the place while at the same time knowing that I wouldn't be able to take care of him if I did.

So we watched "Show Boat" for a while, had chocolate cupcakes with butter cream Easter decorations that Manny left as a gift for us, and finally I said my goodbyes and left Gregory to watch TV with the other residents (as unsettled as they may have been.) I was hard for me to leave but Gregory seemed to retreat into himself or was starting to nap and at least he was calm.

The roller coaster I am riding now is a lot less scary and turbulent than the one I used to ride but it is none the less a roller coaster with its ups and downs and one never knows what new adventure is around the bend!

Further Adventures in the Life

For several years, Gregory has had a book, really a perpetual calendar, of photographs of architecture of the world. Each day he would turn the page to reveal a new famous building from around the world. Often he would call me over to enjoy the photograph with him.

Many of the buildings he knows or we have visited. Considering that his language skills continue to disappear (almost all gone?) it has always been an easy way to "share" an experience by "looking" without the need for "talking."

Just in case you are uncertain about what a perpetual calendar is, imagine a 365 page book, with each page having the name of the month and number of the day but no day names and no years. So you can look at the building for January 25th no matter what the day of the week or the year.

For Christmas I found another book by the same publisher only with famous paintings. I thought this would be a great addition to his library and to his daily routine, especially because he continues to loose skills and therefore has fewer things to do.

Turns out that the arrival of the second book coincided with the beginning of his being unable to remember the routine for using a perpetual calendar. Even when reminded of the day's number, "Today is 25," he has been unable to follow through with finding the page that has January 25 on it.

Every morning he calls me into the living room to go through the steps. Every morning he does not remember what we talked about the day before.

I cannot, first thing in the morning, sleep still in my eyes and on my mind, teach him how to do something that he will never learn how to do. I cannot explain to him what I am feeling without hurting his feelings and I cannot continue to explain the explanation every morning.

So at the risk of making him "feel less" but with the benefit of helping me not be angry or frustrated every morning, I told him, "Every night before we go to bed, I will take over turning the pages so the books will be ready for you in the morning."

He was OK with that (at least on the surface but who knows what he really feels below the surface as he is unable to explain or describe his feelings.)

I wish that I could make these transitions (which I really don't mind making) more smoothly and not after anger, frustration, and unkind words to Gregory. I work at bringing my emoitonal reactions and my intellectual understanding closer but FUCK, I am so tired ... and lonely ... and sad.

Daily Word

About Daily Word | Pray | Affirmations | Articles | Search Archives | Subscribe | Shop | Donate Tuesday, January 10, 2012 TRANSITION I move forward through change. While change is inevitable, my response or reaction to change is up to me. How can I best prepare myself for change, and how can I make the most of it? Change is a transition from one thing, one place, one state of mind to another. I am evolving from what was to what is. I am becoming more than I was before. Just as my view changed as I transitioned from childhood to adulthood, I now see that I am gaining a new perspective during this transition. I may be stepping into unfamiliar territory, but this step is an opportunity to grow in spiritual awareness. With each shift or change in my life, I am moving forward. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child ...; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways.--1 Corinthians 13:11