On Writing, On Life

Interesting that it more difficult to write about interesting, fun, timely things here than it is to write about emotional, difficult, worrisome things on my Alzheimer's BLOG. Guilt plays a role in making me come here when the last post date gets too far for comfort.

"Write everyday if you want to consider yourself a writer." Sit down and write about whatever comes into your head. Use writing motivations to help you get started. Write non-stop for ten minutes about whatever you are thinking about. But that doesn't always work.

For me, writing is a way of processing my life. Understanding it. Sitting with the difficult emotions that arise and seeing what they are telling me. Laughing over the amusing funny things that happen. Wondering about what I see and perceive around me. Thinking about and planing creative ventures and projects.

I was worried about getting through the holiday season this year since it was going to be the first Christmas and New Year's that Gregory and I did not celebrate together in forty years. But then I got to thinking about what a good (relatively) place we are in today compared to the hell our life was last year BL (Before-Lieberman.)

Also, I was able to celebrate with Gregory, just in a different way. I had my meals with him in the Lieberman dining room, we opened gifts, we had a Christmas tree in his room, we watched our usual holiday videos.

So now we are in a new year, a time of resolutions, a time of plans, a time to move forward. But can I do that when in many ways I feel like I am still "on hold" with Gregory as he continues to change and decline.

I visit almost every day for an hour or two and that cheers me up. I am in the process of signing up for Hospice for him which feels empowering to be able to control that part of the future which I am able.

But when I am home I am lonely, miss him so much, and feel lethargic finding  it is easier to not face my creativity, my projects, my day to day life maintenance. Gregory is still a very large part of my life and my focus. I am happy that he is still with me and that he is content, happy, safe, well taken care of.

So you can imagine that most of my writing is directed towards my Alzheimer's BLOG.
http://mhorvichcares.blogspot.com .

But what about me? Maybe another year will help me feel more my new self and help me get on with life. Maybe another year will help me realize those many projects I have created for myself. Maybe I'll get back into being a Supernumerary for the opera, Ringmaster for Michael's Flea Circus, Curator of a second museum The Small, Writer, Poet, Public Speaker? Maybe I will slowly get used to my life without the old Gregory, the old relationship, the old times together.

Or maybe I'll just continue to post more often on the Alzheimer's BLOG for now and see how life unfolds for me without too much pressure, too much fear, too much regret, too much frustration, too much anger. Maybe LIFE will sneak up and before I notice, I will be the new me?

Happy New Year

Dear Readers and Followers, This from http://www.dailyom.com (opens in a new window.) I usually do not put much thought into horoscope readings but this one seems so very fitting for the New Year that I wanted to share it with you today. It seems to have hit "my nail on the head!" One of the ways I was able to get through this Christmas and New Year's season, the first after 40 years without Gregory being home with me, was to think about what our life, his and mine, was like last year at this time. To say the least, it was horrible. Gregory was having a harder and harder time coping with his world and I was having more and more difficulty coping with Gregory in his world and trying to provide any sense of "normalcy" and routine for him. It was very difficult trying to live in his world with him while still being part of my own world, and the two were becoming more and more difficult to reconcile. On beginning the new year, we are both in very good places both physically and mentally. Gregory seems to enjoy his new home. his new family, his new community at The Lieberman Center and I have settled into living on my own. Being with him every day gives me great pleasure and he continues to be pleased to see me. Manny provides such wonderful attention to Gregory when I am not there and this provides me with great peace of mind. The Lieberman Center provides respectful, thoughtful, caring attention to all of Gregory's needs. Happy New Year. Thanks for being part of my "reading/sharing public." I do not know who most of you are and that does not matter. What matters is that somehow, what I write helps you keep up with Gregory and my journey and possibly helps you with yours. I appreciate you! Fondly, Michael

December 31, 2014 Settling into Life Aries Daily HoroscopeYour thoughts will likely turn to topics related to health and home today. Any worry you might have felt in the past regarding your professional or personal prospects may disappear as you begin to recognize that you have been blessed with material and emotional security. You may feel particular self-reliant and eager to take on new tasks related to both your survival and your personal growth. Since you likely believe wholeheartedly that you are capable of successfully seeing to your well-being and that of your loved ones, you may spend less time today contemplating potential pitfalls and more time enjoying your ongoing efforts to build a comfortable, nurturing, and serene life. When we feel secure, we are more apt to really immerse ourselves in those little details of our lives that make simply existing more enjoyable and enable us to engender our potential more fully than ever before. Since we can settle in to our lives without fearing that chaos is waiting for us just around the bend, we are able to concentrate on improving our overall level of comfort through the choices we make at home and at work. Mental energy once devoted to worry is redirected and can be applied to any number of more thoughtful recreational and productive pursuits. Our lives become ours once again as we grow to understand that we are the arbiters of our destiny and are not at the mercy of circumstance. The security you feel today will form the foundation upon which you truly thrive.