Happy Valentine's Day

This will be the first Valentine's Day in 39 years that I have not planned something special for Gregory. No, I am lying. Yesterday I discovered a new bakery near Lieberman called "Nothing Bundt Cakes." They sell bundt shaped cup cakes called buntinys, individual cakes called bundtettes, and small-medium-and large bundt cakes. Every day they offer approximately one dozen different flavors.

So I bought a chocolate, chocolate chip bundt cake to take to Gregory when I visit today. I will also pick up one red rose for him. He will be with Manny from 11:30 - 4:30 (his new helper) but I will drop by around 3:00 to spend an hour with him.

Last night I had an awareness, maybe because I had been thinking about Valentine's Day. The awareness is that I LOVE GREGORY. I had an image of him bearly able to smile at seeing me, sitting in his oversized wheel chair, tipped back for comfort, neck pinched to the left (PT is working on this,) having just been cleaned up from a pee and poop in his pants, food stain on his shirt, too large blue jeans, hands trembling, dozing on and off while I offered him a piece of broken in half animal cookie and some milk in a box through a straw.

I love this man as he is. I no longer love him as he was because that is no longer what he is. In fact, to help keep my emotions in tow, I have not been allowing myself to think too much about the past, about the wonderful times, about our wonderful relationship. I have been working very hard to remain here and now, in the present, in the moment in fact.

And I realized that I love this shell of a man, this remnant of a man, this handicapped man, this mentally deficient man. I love my Gregory with all my heart. No matter how much of him is gone, I love him even more. Maybe MORE THAN EVER!

What is it that I love about him, I do not know for sure. But the essence of the man I have loved for over 39 years still exists in him and in me. The love and dedication and support and loyalty and responsibility we had for each other continues as long as I am able to hold up my half of the bargain. Happy Valentine's Day Gregory. I Love You!

Meditation: Round 2: Practice 4 & 5

Just to keep track, I skipped Practice 4 because I was ill.

Practice 5 presented an interesting shift for me in several ways.

1) Previously, a day or two before our meeting, I would think about possible Intentions and Heartfelt Desires. This time, I decided to wait and see what "arrived" as I was settling in and getting into the meditation.

2) Another thing that I am more aware of is a "spiraling" of lessons with each new appearance bringing a deeper, more coherent understanding of the idea, emotion, experience, etc that presents itself.

3) During the period of my deepest calm, I became aware of what I would describe as Black (visually) but more An Absence (emotionally & intellectually.) Things would come and go without disrupting my meditation.

At one point a man showed up, I acknowledged him and continued my meditation without needing to know who he was, or what he wanted, or what he represented.

Another time a beautiful, sweet, pink fondant ribbon swirled in my Black, maybe because it was also my birthday and I was thinking of cake but it didn't matter I continued my meditation.

4) At times one needs to pause and enter the moment as it presents itself for lessons to be learned, but other options include setting it aside to deal with at a later time, or deciding that it is not important to deal with the distraction at all and recognizing it for what it is: a distraction.

During Practice 5 Corinne decided to spend a lot of time focusing on the body, energy, and health. While I did "scan" my body and reaffirm my excellent health, I did not end up staying with Corinne's guidance but rather revisited the concept of Essential Self which Corinne had mentioned in her opening comments.

She talked about the difficulty some people have in looking closely at their Essential Self, that self which is closer to being in touch with the universe and away from one's experiences, societal agreements, religious figure and parent pronouncements. In other words free from any biases, real or imagined, true or not, that tend to color who we are, what we think, and how we approach our day to day lives. Our PURE ESSENCE.

In the past I have had trouble focusing on my Essential Self, knowing it exists deep within me but somehow not being able or comfortable enough to dig down for a close look. In relation to the Essential Self, this time I revisited a Triumvirate of Self that I have been aware of, fine tuned it, and added the Essential Self as a fourth level.

I started out with my Public Self which I allow everyone to see, my Private Self which I only allow close loved ones to see, and my Secret Self which only I know about and which I would never share with anyone.

This understanding allowed me to arrive at the fourth self or Essential Self, as defined above. It was easier to look at my Essential Self without fear or difficulty when seeing it on this Continuum of Self from most external and visible to most internal and sacred.

Each time I experience a Mindful Meditation Practice, Yoga Nidra, I seem to arrive at a new place of comfort with myself, my relationship with Gregory, and with my world. Time well spent.