Rocks & Hard Places II

The companion is here with Gregory. I am running errands and still need kitty litter so even though I am cutting my timing close I run to Jewel. I call to tell the companion, "Go ahead and catch your train, I'll follow by three or four minutes. Make sure Gregory knows I am on my way home."

I meet the companion in the lobby where he tells me the TV controller was dropped into the sleeper sofa. They found it by opening the sofa but when closing it the cat's head was caught. He doesn't think the cat was hurt. And he really feels bad.

Without thinking I say, "That was really stupid." Picturing the cat's head after a meeting with the heavy sofa bed and its metal structures and slicing hinges. He apologizes and I am not real gracious with my, "What's done is done. We'll talk."

I get up to the condo and everything seems calm. Both cats are on the bed wrestling as usual. I pet them while checking for any cuts, lacerations, breaks, and/or bruises. Gregory knows nothing about the incident, even though he was there. He finally says, "Maybe a little something happened."

I take the grocery cart back to the lobby after telling Gregory, "You are hopeless." On the way to the elevator I chant, "I am not my emotions, I am not my emotions."

I call the companion who is now on the train and tell him the cats are fine. Not to worry. I remind him that I earlier in our relationship I had said, "You will know when I am angry, meanwhile you do not need to apologize for things."

Then I say, "Now you know how I sound when I am angry." He apologizes. "But it is over, all is forgiven. Sorry I was so rough on you. Don't worry. Be done. The cats are fine." I know he isn't as he apologizes again.

To try to be lighter I say, "Now besides being responsible for Gregory's life and safety you have two cats to look after." He apologizes again.

I get back to the condo and Gregory apologizes. I try to talk about my emotions ... but to no avail. I try to tell Gregory what I went through ... but to no avail. I try to explain how frustrating it is that he didn't even remember what had happened ... but to no avail.

I know that my best advice to myself is, "Say nothing. Explain nothing. Do nothing." But what am I supposed to do with MY emotions? My anger? My frustration? No one to talk to. No one to explain to. No one to witness.

Never sure how much Gregory understands of what I am saying. Gregory experiences my emotions but we are not able to process the event together nor explain them away. Never any closure.

Now I have two upset people (not counting myself) on my hands and am not able to do anything about it, or the sick feeling in my gut, or the one in my heart. Talk about a ROCK and a HARD PLACE.

The incident is over, everything turned out OK, and over time I put aside my unresolved feelings. There is another expression: Whether the rock hits the pitcher, or the pitcher hits the rock ... the pitcher suffers. Gregory, the companion, and I are the pitchers. Alzheimer's is the rock.