A Hard Place To Be

It is half past midnight. I snuggle into bed. I read a little. I close the light. Time for bed. Time for sleep.
I feel the sadness rise in me and try to damp it down. Suppress it. Hold it in. Tell it, "Go away!"
The tears begin. The sobs begin. The shaking. The howling. The gasping. The flood. The tsunami.
So many never-agains. So many for-evers. So many never-to-be futures for him, for me, for us.

I miss my friend, my love, my partner, my soul mate, the only one who really matters to me.
Never to be held. Or rocked. Or poked.  Or joked. In the same way now as then. Never again.
Never to be supported but to support him. Never to calmed but to calm him. Never to be OK again.
Never to ease my pain but to be in pain so strong, so sad, so deep, so insidious, so lasting.

I miss him so much. What he used to be. What he has been. What he could have been yet.
I miss us so very much. What we used to be. What we have been. What we could have been yet.
I miss myself so much. What I used to be. What I have been. What I will yet become without him.
Change is so hard. A rock and a pitcher. A rock and a hard place. Rock, Paper, Scissors. Broken.

The tears continue. The sobs continue, The howling gets louder. The future grieves and so do I.