Crying is so much like laughter and laughter is so much like crying. Sitting with Gregory at the hospital I found that we would laugh together with tears right behind. Emotions Emotions go away. Come again another day.
In some way I am feeling numb again, which I have experienced at various stages in the progression of Gregory's illness. This time it is as if he has died and in some ways he has. There are a lot of "never agains" and "forevers."
He will never be able to come home again. He will never visit the condo again. We will never be able to decorate for Christmas at home. Many traditions are gone and over. The kitties miss his being here and he will never be able to take a nap in the bedroom with them ending up in his lap asleep and purring. Dinner parties? Overnight guests? Holidays? Birthdays? Grocery shopping? Sitting in the TV room? and on and on.
Slowly I will get used to living alone. Last night I panicked three times when waking up, realizing that he was not in bed with me, afraid he had "wandered," and then realizing that I didn't need to worry about where he is.
As you know, I do not believe in prayer, but it seems anyway appropriate to say that I just hope that he is able to settle into the Lieberman Center and that he is not aware of what his surroundings really look like.
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