Going, Going, Gone

Maybe I should just keep record on a separate piece of paper instead of posting it to my BLOG but this way I can: 1) process, 2) share, 3) record, 4) maintain, 5) save, 6) cry.

SO FAR THIS MORNING: Gregory could not take simple directions on how to get his shaver to stop squeaking (at least he did figure out how to plug it in) so he had to wait until I finished my use of the bathroom (read taking a dump) to help him. We are not shy so use the bathroom together. It actually gives me the opportunity to monitor him without seeming like spying. But even my private moments have become his.

Next I had to remind him to put on deodorant and face cream. He could not find them so I opened the medicine chest and pointed. He was able to put the correct product on the correct area of his anatomy so I guess I should be grateful.

Then he put on his underwear (I missed noting if they were right side or backwards but guess that doesn't really matter) and sweats without my help. Fist time this week! So I guess I should be grateful. Doesn't necessarily mean anything for tomorrow.

As he was leaving the bedroom I mentioned, "Your paper is on your desk." 

He headed towards the front door. I called him back and said, "Your (corrected the word) NEWSpaper is on your DESK." 

He headed toward the front door again. "On your desk." "WHERE YOUR NEWSPAPER IS EVERY MORNING! Do you know where your DESK is?" 

"Yes, out there."

"Yes, out there," I reinforced.

Then the numbness, and tears, and confusion, and not knowing how to "fix" this type of interaction, and the fear of the future, and depression (and only a tiny bit of anger) follow. 

Then the processing for the BLOG begins. Luckily I had made my first cup of coffee before all this began.

Simultaneously through all this Emma, my kitty (GiGi is Gregory's kitty,) brings me her Krinkle Ball so we can play fetch. A little bit of unqualified love from my kitty and processing from my BLOG make me feel a little better. 

Perhaps making some signs for important places that Gregory does not seem to be able to make associations between the word and the place would help? Don't feel really optimistic about this but I will try. 

Perhaps I need to make sure that I do not begin to meet my own needs (like taking a dump) until Gregory is finished with all of his and settled. Problem being that often when I think he is settled, a new aspect of getting settled doesn't work for him. But I will try.

At least I was not mean to him. I think I appeared patient on the outside but even feel guilty about what was going on inside, isn't that silly? I will try.

Last night we watched "Call for the Midwives" on PBS, a British program about post WWII and a group of midwives and nuns in England. Excellent second season. 

A baby is born with Spina Biffida. Medical know how will make the baby's life as comfortable as possible but one of the nuns talked about the early days when the best thing to do for the baby was to help it die comfortably. Even in the church, that was acceptable. 

After trying to help the parents but failing to help them deal the diagnosis, the head nun tells the grieving midwife, "Sometimes one has to admit defeat and move on. There is a lot more of life that needs to be lived."

I identify.

Today, this came across my mail: 

Shambhala Publications

SUPPORTING CONDUCT

With regard to one’s behavior, one must relinquish all the limitations implied in subject-object duality (gzung ’dzin gyi la dor ba). One should abandon all ordinary ways of assessing outer and inner phenomena, and the engagement or withdrawal of the mind with regard to “good” and “bad.” One must not, through mindless clinging to sense objects, stray into the five ordinary mental poisons. For when approached with skillful means, all are but the display of the great and perfect equality.

—Jigme Lingpa, from Treasury of Precious Qualities: Book TWO!

So does that mean that what I am experiencing is neither good nor bad? It only is? Is what I am going through bringing me closer to achieving great and perfect equality? And if all of this is true, how am I going to get through this journey to the end? Time will tell, but I will try.

Meanwhile, this is a list I have been keeping for a while.

GOING GOING GONE

Taking pills - comes and goes.
Putting a belt on - usually gone.
Using mouth wash - gone.
Word bathroom - gone.
Understanding most words - almost gone.
Using most words - almost gone.
Brushing teeth - comes and goes
Reading at bedtime - almost gone.
Going for a walk by himself - gone.
Picking out his own clothes - gone.
Getting ready for bed - comes and goes.
Shaving in the morning - comes and goes.
Getting dressed - comes and goes.
Toileting - comes and goes.
Communicating with words - gone.
Using a fork and knife - comes and goes.
Navigating the food on a dinner plate - comes and goes.
Fastening his seatbelt in the car - comes and goes.
Using a urinal when out - comes and goes.
Controlling flatulence - comes and goes.
Comprehension of TV - uncertain.
Helping make the bed - comes and goes.