FOR GREGORY. He was not a VICTIM of ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE, he was a HERO!

PLEASE NOTE: Even though this blog is now dormant there are many useful, insightful posts. Scroll back from the end or forward from the beginning. Also, check out my writer's blog. Periodically I will add posts here if they provide additional information about living well with Dementia / Alzheimer's Disease.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

This BLOG is Especially for You!





A little late for a Halloween type threat but I KNOW YOU ARE OUT THERE. I know that you are viewing my BLOG because the number counter keeps going up. BUT, I don't know who you are and that is making me nuts. PLEASE, PLEASE comment. It's easy.

Under the entry is the word "comment." Click it, and leave your comment. You can "Sign in" from the list offered or just sign in as "Anonymous." You do not have to leave your full name if you choose not to. Just leave your initials so I know it is you. Would love to hear from you.


Don't forget I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Bon Voyage Party: Revisited

I am posting this on my "Alzheimer's BLOG" as well as my "Writer's BLOG" and adding this preface. Throwing parties becomes more and more difficult as Gregory's Alzheimer's progresses. I end up doing all of the work. Last holiday season, I did MOST of the work but by now I am doing ALL of the work. Today I asked him to help peel the yams and he could not figure out how to use the potato peeler. With a little instruction he did finally figure it out but the process of peeling a dozen yams took what seemed like forever.

I am not complaining about how much work it takes on my part to entertain. But I do want to share with you why I do it. Gregory still gets such joy out of having people around him. Our friends are a chatty group and he can be a good listener. The loud volume and speed of conversation (even thought he is on the periphery) invigorates him. Everyone in the group is aware of his situation and they are good at being patient when he is trying to add to the conversation. 

When he wants to take people around to show off his oil paintings (which is a newly acquired activity) they are interested and exited for him. He enjoys helping with the few party preparation things he can still do. He knows I enjoy the work of giving the party and he knows that I do it because I love him. He makes sure he lets me know how grateful he is to me for doing all these things to help our life continue to be a vibrant, meaningful, exciting one.

• • • • •

HERE IS THE ORIGINAL POST:

This evening's party was quite a success. It took a lot of energy, shopping, preparation, and planning spread out over the last three days. It will take another two to get all the dishes, glasses, etc back where they belong.

The occasion was to celebrate Regina and Declan's  upcoming wedding that will take place in Italy. Three other friends will be joining them there for the ceremony and then staying on in Italy for two months. One more will join the group over the Christmas and New Year holidays. After some thirty years, the Gay Family will not be together for the major end of the year holidays so it was wonderful to be with everyone before the Italian adventures began.

On arrival white and red wine and soft drinks were served. A tray with two types of salsa and chips as well as one of crackers with two types of cheese were available. The 100" table (that usually serves as Gregory's desk) was set, including flowers and candles, still against the wall where it usually lives, to be moved into the middle of the room when it was time it eat. The end of the counter was set for four more and a table for six was set and waiting in the bedroom closet to be brought into the living room at dinner time. Folding chairs were at the ready.

We did a sit down dinner, served buffet style for twenty people. Arrival was scheduled at 4:00 with dinner served at 5:00. The timing on the food was perfect. The corn pudding was in the crock pot from 1:00 until 5:00. The spiral cut ham was in the oven from 1:00 until 4:00 and then sat until dinner time. The pre-cooked turkey breast was warmed from 4:00 until 5:00. The haricot vert (french green beans) provincial were cooked yesterday and warmed in the oven from 4:00 until 5:00. The yams were peeled earlier today and cooked in brown sugar and orange juice between 4:00 and 5:00, and finished off in the microwave. Bread was warmed in the oven with the other 4:00 - 5:00 items. Roger made a cranberry horseradish moose and combined the Romain, lemon, olive oil, and kosher salt making a Tuscan salad. By 5:15 everyone was seated and enjoying a delicious meal. Gregory and I were so proud!

A milestone at this party is that Ivanca, our housekeeper, was here to help with last minute prep before the party, to take coats and serve drinks, and then to pour water after people were sitting. She joined us for dinner and then worked throughout the rest of the party cleaning up. What a blessing and valued part of our family she is.

Dessert consisted of a chocolate Devil's food sheet cake, double layered with chocolate moose in between, and with chocolate butter cream frosting. Huge pieces of cake were served with vanilla ice cream. People commented on how huge the cake portions were … but ate it all. Only Regina shared her cake with Declan but that is understandable as she said, "I do have to fit into my wedding dress you know." Finally, more wine and coffee and visiting.

Parties like this are not done too often. The labor and energy toll is extensive. The expense wasn't even calculated. But being able to "share the love" with people you care for in the "sanctity of one's home" is such a joyful gift. We are grateful for being able to have done this.

Feedback

This is an e-mail I received from a fellow "Ragdale Alum" in reply to the e-mail I sent after running into her at COSTO. Hearing comments like these in relation to shared journeys with Alzheimer's are so important to me. I hope that I too am able to remember to give love where ever I can. Thank you Angela for your kind words and please know that I am sending positive healing thoughts to your mom, your family, and to you.
Michael


Dear Michael,

It was lovely running into you even briefly. How nice that you were able to go to Susan's launch--Ragdale is such a wellspring for me and even brief visits fill me with calm and joy.  

Your dinner tonight sounds terrific; good luck with all that. Lucky guests!

I was at COSTCO to pick up a few last minute things for my trip to Manila this Wednesday.  I am going home to take care of my Mom for a few weeks.  She is 75 and was recently diagnosed with mixed dementia (a combination of Alzheimer's and vascular dementia). The progression of the disease the last few months has been quite rapid--we were just there last August to celebrate my parents' 50th wedding anniversary, and already she is a vastly different person. My dad, my brother, and his wife are getting caregiver burnout and I hope to offer them a little respite while there.  My dad has medical problems of his own and needs time and energy to care for himself for awhile.

I couldn't help noticing the link to your Alzheimer's blog below your note.  I did not know this about your partner and I was really sorry to learn of it.  But I am amazed at your compassion and steadfastness.  A quick look at your entries tells me there is much I can learn from you in dealing with my mom's condition.  Indeed, running into you was no accident, but rather an incident of grace.

Again, it was very nice seeing you and I do hope to see you at the Bros. K, poems in hand, one day in the near future.

All best,
Angela 

Monday, November 1, 2010

I'm Working on It

I am getting better at not loosing my temper with Gregory when he does not understand a request or how to do something. But I am not (and probably will never be) perfect. My therapist, Dr. Peter Demuth shared this quote with me and it really applies to where I am in dealing with Alzheimer's Disease.


Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween

Trick or Treats
Money or Eats

Tricks with memory
Tricks with perception
Tricks with cognition
Tricks with learning
Tricks with behavior
Tricks with understanding
Tricks with problem solving

Trick or Treats
Money or Eats

Friday, October 29, 2010

At War

An explosion of self
A howl of despair
I turn inward
Self falls to the floor
In a crumpled heap


An interaction gone astray
No I am mistaken
It is on target
With Alzheimer’s
It always wins


The tears arrive
Dropping from the sky
Momentary relief
One moment’s worth
Until the next strike


I look to the sky in fear
There is no shelter
Only more explosions
Of self
As I seek balance

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

I CARE!

I just noticed that I haven't written for five days. No excuses. But there are the Carmen performances, and the Michael's Museum at The Chicago Children's Museum meetings, and socializing with friends, and running errands, and preparing meals, and watching Netflix DVDs, and getting a few hours sleep. No excuses. With the change in the weather I find it difficult to acclimate to the changing number of hours of daylight and the "warm one day cold the next" and the weather change affecting how my back aches. No excuses. NO EXCUSES! It's not that I don't care. I do. But I am tired.

Friday, October 22, 2010

I mentioned in previous BLOGs that every now and then I find a song that I add to “Michael’s Down” playlist on my iTunes. When I get depressed or down enough to need a really good cry, I turn up the speakers and play the tunes on my playlist. Usually feel better after a good cry. Here is another one of the songs on my playlist:


All I Need To Know
By: Kenny Chesney
Sung By: Bette Middler


Look at my face. I know the years are showin'.
Look at my life. Still don't know where it's goin'.
I don't know much, but I know I love you,
and that may be all I need to know.

Look at these eyes. Oh, they never see what matters.
And look at these dreams, so beaten and so battered.
I don't know much, but I know I love you,
and that may be all I need to know.

So many questions and still no answers.
I climb and climb but never get the view.
But when I hold you near me sometimes I feel so clearly
the only truth I'll ever know is me and you.

In my heart I long for inspiration.
And in my soul I know someday I'll find salvation.
I don't know much, but I know I love you,
and that may be all I need to know.

In my heart you're my inspiration.
And in my soul I know love is our salvation.
I don't kow much, but if I know you love me,
that will be all I need to know.
I don't know much, but if you say you love me,
that will be all I need to know.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Alzheimer's & Art

It is said of Alzheimer's that new learning connections cannot take place, but with Gregory I think that he may still be working at and succeeding in making new connections while the old ones fail. Before Alzheimer's, he ran a high end architecture, historic renovation, and interior design firm. He received his MA from Harvard and was Phi Beta Kappa. He read and traveled extensively. He was active in many professional organizations and presented workshops to architectural students. He was calm, methodical, and easy going and in many ways still is. Perhaps all this accounts for the very slow decline of his abilities over the last seven years since the diagnosis of Early Onset Alzheimer's at age 55.


Enter new learning. With the help of artist Nancy Rosen (Link to Nancy Rosen's Art,) Gregory has begun oil painting and is quite good at it. He really enjoys the process and looks forward to working with Nancy in her studio as often as possible. He has said as much with, "Nancy has changed my life." He took to using oil sticks quite easily and has been very pleased with the results. In a brief period of time, he has created ten 9" x 11" and three 30" x 30" pieces. His work was part of a show of ten artists at our condo and he has sold two pieces.

The connections that I think he is rebuilding include those from his past creative nature, his eye for color, and his perception of size and shape. His work is abstract so it seems to come more from his heart than his head. As Nancy has said, "It works well because language is not necessary." He begins by studying the heavily gessoed stonehenge paper to see how the ripples, imperfections, and bumps speak to him. He then selects his color palate of oil sticks from the hundreds that Nancy has sitting around and begins work. Very often he will complete an entire piece without stepping back to contemplate it. Then he crosses the studio and looks back, most often being surprised and pleased with what he has created.

Nancy is a born artist, prolific to the level of unbelieving, and the consummate teacher. She has encouraged Gregory to experiment, has drawn him out, and has gently suggested how to approach the art of painting with oils. Her critiques are supportive, edifying, and loving. Nancy, Gregory, and I may not know much about art therapy, but I think we must be in the midst of the best of it!








Friday, October 15, 2010

Connections

One of the things that continues to disintegrate (read lose integration) is Gregory's ability to make connections. It was time for his evening coffee. He filled a coffee mug  with coffee from this morning and put it down next to the coffee maker. He went to the refrigerator, took out the milk,  and put it down on the opposite counter.


First he just stared at the milk as if trying to remember what he was doing, or how to do it. He looked back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I sat quietly and tried to become invisible so as not to distract him. This went on for about 30 seconds which in real time isn't so long … but in Alzheimer's time seems forever. Try sitting there doing nothing for 30 seconds and see how it feels.


He next began to return the milk to the refrigerator, stopped mid-move, and put it back down on the counter. FInally, after about 15 second more, he turned to me and said, "Can you help me?"


I pointed towards the mug and said, "You need to put some milk in the coffee." Didn't register. "Open the milk." Success. "Take it over to your mug (pointing.)" Success. "Pour some milk into the mug." Success. Then the connections returned. He put the mug in the microwave, closed the door, pressed "1 minute," and waited until the signal sounded. He took the mug out of the microwave and thanked me. Success.


Other times he forgets how to pour the coffee into the mug, where to warm it up, how to run the microwave. What is amazing is that I felt no negative emotions. I was able to help him in a neutral way, didn't get upset, didn't consider him "stupid" for not remembering, didn't raise my voice, didn't dwell on what the future holds. I guess I am getting better at this.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The Journey

Taking the journey is what matters
Who knows what any end brings
Why worry the present to the future
While the morning dove still sings.

As long as our daily path exists
We will walk it standing together
We will go carefully step by step
Even during the difficult weather

Holding on to our deep  love
And being grateful for each other
We will live out each day of our life
As the wind ruffles the bird's feather

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Let's Try This Again

"Every Day Is A New Day" may sound trite but it is an operative slogan for me. Very often, after Gregory and I have had a difficult exchange, or hour, or day … in the next exchange, or hour, or day things will seem back to normal. Each morning I awake refreshed and  hopeful and usually the day goes well … until the next difficult exchange, or hour, or day.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Where Did the ESCAPE Button Go?

Interesting! In thinking about it, I realize that there was a time when I had a number of "alternatives" that I could engage in that would let me escape my world for a while. Now it seems to accompany me where ever I go and what ever I do. Why am I not able to escape for even a few minutes. Where are the alternatives? Where are the distractions? Need to think about this some more.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Fine Thank You

Most often, when I am out running errands, I run into family, friends, neighbors, acquaintances. They always ask after Gregory. "How is Gregory doing?"

I find that I do not know how to answer or at least there is no easy answer. I am pleased that they care and I always tell Gregory, "So and So asked after you." It pleases him to know people said "Hi!"

But how to answer? I usually go into my "On a scale of horrible to horrible it is terrible … but we are doing well, adjusting, and enjoying life as much as we can. We have so much to be grateful for." I explain that Gregory is still pretty independent, goes for long walks, and swims. I give them a few examples of how the Alzheimer's plays out just so they do not think that our life is all wonderful.

Soon (fingers crossed) I'll be able to anwser by saying, "You'll have to read the book." Haven't heard from LaChance Publishers yet but then again the manuscript has only been with them for two months and that is no time at all in the publishing world. Have I mentioned my idea for the title? GYROSCOPE: An Alzheimer's Love Story. I selected the concept because a gyroscope can spin wildly out of control but keep its balance … and it is a love story. Will keep you posted.

Friday, October 1, 2010

An Observation

Yesterday, I drove to The Lyric Opera of Chicago for a Carmen rehearsal. I spent my time in the car on the phone with my good friend John H. We talked about many things and when the topic of our conversation turned to Gregory, John made an excellent observation about why Gregory may be able to deal so successfully with having Alzheimer's Disease.

For the most part Gregory continues to deal successfully with the slow loss of his mental abilities. The other day he mentioned that he missed playing the piano but was grateful for all the wonderful music we could listen to on our audio system. He gets a little frustrated when he cannot pull the words he needs to express an idea or ask a question but only a little. When asked how he is doing with the Alzheimer's, he will respond, "It is what it is."

John observed that Gregory has always been a problem solver. He does not get emotionally involved with the negativity or seeming impossibility of problems but instead always works optimistically, one piece at a time, not panicking, knowing that the difficult situation will be resolved.

He has always had confidence in himself and his ability to help himself, his loved ones, (and clients when the firm was still open) work through problems. Rather than spending any time placing blame or rehashing exactly why something has happened, he puts his energies and focus into doing what needs to be done to move forward towards a solution.

Perhaps his brain is on auto-pilot when it comes to dealing with his own difficulties and losses for he continues to enjoy his days, love the people around him, and do the best he can do with "what is."

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

The Telephone Message

Gregory listened to the messages on our answering machine yesterday while I was out. I am grateful that he was aware enough to write the message down for me that Auntie Elaine (Horwitz) called to say hello.

This is what the post it looked like. What to notice: 1) Almost got "Elaine" spelled correctly. 2) Totally messed up "Horwitz." 3) Printing was shaky, tentative, and smeared compared to his old even, precise, neat architecture printing.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Gregory is Reading the Manuscript

He has begun reading the manuscript and the feedback has been minimal. I asked him about it the other day and his response was, "Well I read it and then this and that happens and I go on and then that's it." Translation: I find it difficult to hold on to what I read long enough to be able to talk about it at a later date."

The other day he did bring the manuscript in to me while I was working at my computer and pointed to a section saying, "This part is brilliant!" It was about my learning to not press for facts and/or more information from him if it didn't really matter." Interesting that he found this part interesting.

A little while later he laughed and I asked what he was laughing about. He read the following passage, "How can he be so normal at times and so confused at others." He appreciated the irony in the statement.

I have asked him if he has found the reading difficult and he says it hasn't. He says that at times it is painful but at other times joyful. He apologized for "all the pain he causes me" and I told him that love and pain go hand in hand, that I gladly accept being there for him no matter the pain, and that I love him more than ever. We hugged.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

How Bad is Bad? How Hard is Hard? How Difficult is Difficult?

I find that knowing it's only going to get harder used to upset me but now, like so many other understandings, I have come to expect it. This means that it is not quite as difficult to deal with.


I met a neighbor on the elevator who asked after Gregory, I told her a little about how he is doing and ended with the usual "but we cope." She succinctly replied, "Well life is like a card game, isn't it? After you are dealt a hand you have to fold or keep playing. The choice seems obvious!"

Lately Gregory is answering questions but the answers are wrong. Or maybe the questions are wrong? Either way it is getting harder and harder to communicate using language, his or mine. M-"Did you do the waters for bedtime?" G-"Yes." But they were not done. M-"Do you need to take your pills?" G-"No." But they were still in the pill box. G-"Auntie Elaine is in." M-"Did she call or is she in town?" G-"I don't know." M-"Then what told you that Elaine is in?" G-"I can't remember."


After having lost his keys a few times, I purchased a key chain for him that gets attached to a belt loop and is long enough so the keys can be tucked in a pocket but also be taken out to open the door without having to detach the chain. He hasn't figured out how to attach the chain to his pants or how to use it yet. Just the fact that the keys are on a new chain has, in his mind, caused the keys to become something different.

Friday, September 24, 2010

One-Up-Man-Ship

Gregory and I were at Old Orchard today to run a few errands. I wanted a new black brief case to match my "artist in black wardrobe" for the team planning meetings of Michael's Museum at The Chicago Children's Museum on Navy Pier. I also needed a new charger for my iPhone and as any Appleophile knows, visiting the Apple Store is always a treat even if you do not need to buy anything. I also thought that it would be nice to have a few new shirts for the fall/winter season.

Still a fan of Ralph Lauren, we stopped in Macy's to see their selection of Polo shirts. I am in love with long sleeve Chambray, oxford cloth solids or flannel plaids. I guess I am still a "Polo Mystique" kind of guy. When I was teaching my "costume" consisted of one of a number of pair of kaki's hanging in a row in my closet and a Ralph Lauren flannel or Chambray or oxford cloth shirt.

My costume was so predictable that one year, to help celebrate my birthday, my students planned a party for me. Every one of them, with paper mustache attached under their nose, wore kaki slacks and a plaid flannel shirt. When my colleagues gave me a retirement party, all the teachers wore kakis and a Chambray shirt.

So there Gregory and I were in the dressing room and I was trying on shirts. Sadly to say, while I do worship that temple which is the body I live in, I have progressed from an XL to an XXL size shirt. I tried on a shirt and looking at myself in the mirror commented outloud, "God, I hate how big my belly is!"

This was where Gregory was able to one-up-manship me. He replied, "Well you have your problem (my stomach) and I have mine (Alzheimer.") We both got so tickled that we couldn't stop laughing. Marilyn, our sales lady (of the last thirty years or so) came through the open dressing room door to see what fun she was missing.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

If You Go Away

I mentioned in a previous BLOG that every now and then I find a song that I add to “Michael’s Down” playlist on my iTunes. When I get depressed or down enough to need a really good cry, I turn up the speakers and play the tunes on my playlist. Usually feel better after a good cry. 


I was driving on the Edens Expressway, on my way to the dentist, when this one came on. Not easy to drive at 55 mph, through tears. I have adapted the lyrics to apply to "Living with Alzheimer's." The changes reflect the nature of the disease which causes the person afflicted to have good days and difficult days as he slowly disappears and the need to make each day count.

IF WHEN YOU GO AWAY (Ne Me Quitte Pas) 
(Jacques Brel / Rod McKuen)
As sung by Shirley Horn


If when you go away on this summer day
Then you might as well take the sun away
All the birds that flew in the summer sky
When our love was new and our hearts were high
When the day was young, and the night was long
And the moon stood still for the nightbird's song
if when you go away, if when you go away, if when you go away


But if when you stay, you're here I'll make you a day
Like no day has been or will be again
We'll sail the sun, we'll ride on the rain
We'll talk to the trees and worship the wind
Then if  when you go, I'll understand
Leave me just enough love to fill up my hand
if When you go away, if when you go away, if when you go away


if When you go away, as I know you will
You must tell the world to stop turning 'til
You return again, if you ever do
For what good is love without loving having you?
Can I tell you now, as you turn to go
I'll be dying slowly 'til the next hello?
if When you go away, if when you go away, if when you go away


But if when you stay you're here I'll make you a night
Like no night has been or will be again
I'll sail on your smile, I'll ride on your touch
I'll talk to your eyes that I love so much
But if when you go, go! I won't cry
Though the good is gone from the word goodbye
if When you go away, if when you go away, if when you go away


if When you go away, as I know you must
There'll be nothing left in the world to trust
Just an empty room, full of empty space
Like the empty look I see on your face
I'd have been the shadow of your shadow
If I thought it might have kept me by your side
if When you go away, if when you go away, if when you go away

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Yom Kippur

Break the fast: gefilte fish, chicken soup w/ matzo ball, brisket w/gravy, kishka, peas, Mogen Davis concord grape wine, kugle for dessert.

Our prayer for the new year, "It only shouldn't get too much worse."

May you be sealed in the Book of LIfe for Love, Health, and Joy.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Judith Fox, Photographer

HER PHOTOGRAPHY:

“Her camera records not just faces and places, but moments, expressions, relationships, gestures, and meanings as well. The art of the photograph—an art she continues to feel so deeply—is that it can capture the emotion as well as the form. Of the millions of photographs that families take of their loved ones who face this unkind fate, how many are capable of completing the equation and transmitting their feelings of loss and fear and despair in the way that Judith’s images do, time and time again? Photographers return from battlefields and natural disasters with images of casualties and destruction often. But how many of them take us beyond and through the physical destruction and have us feel the devastation to the heart and soul as well. Such is the power of Judith’s view into Ed’s heart as well as her own.” —Roy L. Flukinger, Ransom Humanities Research Center, University of Texas.

HER POETRY:
“Our stories ground us.
We select them, we edit them,
and we tell them to others
in order to explain ourselves.
Ed is losing his story.
Once Ed and I started living with Alzheimer’s,
we began a trip down a never-ending staircase.
Here and there we’ve found a platform
and rested for a while.
Then there was another step down.
And another.
Right now Ed and I are tumbling feet-over-head.
No platforms in sight.
A nightmare.
No matter where Ed lives in this world,
he will never again feel at home.
The floors have collapsed, the ceilings have opened,
the walls buckled.
Our house can no longer be counted upon
to give him stable shelter and protection.”

HER CURRENT EXHIBITION:


HER SITE:

Friday, September 10, 2010

A New Theory

I have seen again in the press, a new theory that has been circulating about the cause of Alzheimer's Disease. The good news is that if one knows what causes a disease, finding a cure could be the next step (however many years down the road.)


With incorrect understandings it is like trying to cure indigestion with a cold compress to the head. The problem has nothing to do with the attempted cure so its pretty obvious that a cold compress to the head will not cure indigestion. The headache might get better but the indigestion will not. Same with Alzheimer's.


The controversial new theory is that the brain is not destroyed by sticky plaques but by free-floating clumps of protein. The plaques that surround the brain cells of people with Alzheimer's might in fact be trying to protect against the toxic clumps. M.D. Sam Gandy's metaphor for the new thinking is that just as an oyster creates a pearl around a grain of sand to protest itself, plaques may serve as traps for the oligomers that are attacking the brain.


Further implications, if this new theory is correct, have to do with the current drug treatments which attempt to destroy the plaques leaving the toxic proteins behind. This could make the situation worse.


Rudolph Tanzi, director of the Genetics and Aging Research Unit at Massachusetts General HOspital says "The best drugs are yet to come." Here's hoping!


(Idea for this blog taken from AARP Bulletin, September 2010.)

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Surprise Interactions

I used to call these "Slaps in the Face" but now call them "Surprise Interactions." I am referring to incidents between Gregory and myself that serve to remind me that Alzheimer's is the path we are walking. Enough of the time our life seems normal, so when a SI takes place I respond normally. I wish I could just respond calmly, softly, respectfully instead of with anger, a loud voice, assuming he is stupid. There it is, honest but true. Does that make me a bad person? No, just a work in progress with the rules changing hourly, daily, sometimes by the minute. I continue to improve and am much better than I used to be. Good me. Good me. Good boy.


I asked him to take out the "yuck" which has come to refer by mutual agreement to the "dirty garbage" or all that is not recyclable. It also includes the garbage pails in the two bathrooms and the pail in which we toss zip-locked kitty litter waste. From Gregory's point of view, I can understand how complicated all of this must be. 


Usually he knows what to do but just now when I asked him to "Take out the YUCK" he didn't know what I was asking. I reiterated the above information and he stood there, as if in a daze, confused. If I give him all of the information at one time he cannot focus. If I give one piece of the information and wait until he understands and executes the information he waits to hear all of the information. Sometimes he responds as if to say, "Why are you treating me like I am stupid?"


If I get frustrated and explain the difference between one part directions and multi part directions but then he forgets everything we discussed previously. This is usually when I "blow." 


We are having company over for lunch. I just finished setting up the buffet, preparing the food, washing up afterwards. I asked him to "Polish the counter" as I placed the paper towel and granite polish in front of him. Maybe he wasn't listening but he proceeded to get the sponge, rinse it out, and wipe down the counter. I stopped him and explained that he only needed to "Polish." His mildly angry response was, "I usually get it right don't I?" To which I responded, "Yes you do but I get frustrated because I asked and showed you what needed to be done and you proceeded to go off in your own direction."


I put a kitchen town down in front of him and asked, "Please get a clean one." He didn't know what to do. I repeated, "Please get a clean towel." "Oh," he responded, "I didn't hear the word towel." Last time I asked for a new towel, I got a bathroom towel because I didn't say "kitchen" even though I handed him the dirty kitchen towel.


So I guess that lessons come in strange ways when you need them. After these several incidents, in which I wasn't at my best but also wasn't at my worst, I turned over one of my daily affirmation cards from Wayne Dyer. It said, "Let go of your ego's need to be right. When you're in the middle of an argument, ask yourself: Do I want to be right or be happy? When you choose the joyous, loving, spiritual mode, your connection to intention is strengthened. I think this applies to today's SIs but will have to think about how it applies to use on the "path."







Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Difficult Decisons

Difficult decisions. I asked Gregory if he wanted to read my manuscript. This is the 140 page manuscript of my memoirs (if I can be so pompous to use that term) about Gregory and my experiences over the last seven years since his diagnosis of Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease. It has been sent to LaChance Publishing per their request to see my work.


There is nothing in the essays, observations, comments, dream descriptions, or poetry that Gregory does not know about but very often Alzheimer's "protects" the recipient with a buffer from remembering many of the difficulties and changes that take place over time. Also, I freely share my thoughts and feelings in my writings, many of which I do not share with Gregory not wanting him to needlessly feel sad because I feel sad.


Since the story is also his, how could I not at least ask him if he wanted to read it. And he chose to. In fact he is sitting at the kitchen counter, with a cup of coffee, reading it as I type this. I'll let you know how it goes. Meanwhile, please take a minute to leave a comment. It doesn't have to be anything special, just let me know that you have been here. Comment information is at the top of the blog and colored lavender. Thanks.



Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Goodnight Bear

We arrived home from an event in our condo's community room. Gregory was emptying his pockets into what we call our "Pocket Table," a cabinet with drawers kept by the front door, when he ran into trouble. 


We each have our own drawer for "pocket stuff" including our wallet, keys, cell phone, Chapstick, the charging attachment for our phones, etc.


This fairly well thought out system has helped Gregory (and me) keep ourselves organized and able to find what we need to have on our person when leaving and returning to the condo.


Gregory called me in, standing in front of his open drawer and almost in a panic, he pointed and said, "Something is wrong here." The space where his wallet "lives" was empty. I am not sure if he knew that his wallet was missing or just that there was an empty space.


Used to this by now, I didn't get upset yet but said, "Why don't you check the shorts you had on earlier." He lit up and headed to the closet with me close behind. He proceeded to check through his shoes on the floor. 


"No," I said, "not shoes … shorts." He looked confused but started to search the shoes on the shelf this time. "Shorts," I said, "Pants." Frustrated he began looking on the clothes poles but in the area in which his shirts hang. "Not shirts … shorts." 


He finally figured out what he needed to do, getting a little more agitated each time but keeping his emotions under control. I am sure you can see by now that - shorts, shoes, shirts, shelves - sound alike and could be confusing.


I probably could have been more helpful or clearer in my directions but once the proverbial snowball gets rolling, it is hard to stop it. "Shorts not shoes not shirts but shorts." At least he finally figured out what he needed to do. But as you will soon see, once he starts to get confused it becomes more difficult with the next activities. 


He found the shorts he had worn earlier in the day, took them off the pole, hanger and all. He felt around the shorts and lit up again because he felt his wallet in the pocket. But because the shorts were still clipped to the hanger, he couldn't figure out how to get the wallet out of the pocket. 


He rummaged around inside the shorts and found the outside material of the pocket. He didn't think to go into the pocket so he continued to feel around the outside of the pocket being amazed that he could not figure out how to retrieve his wallet. He finally pushed the wallet up through the pocket, ice cream push-up style until it fell out of the pocket and onto the floor. He was relieved. 


He was feeling better by now but I was devastated (which feels very much like anger.) As he got ready for bed, I sat in the living room feeling sad and numb. I didn't allow myself to get too upset or cry because I did not want to make him feel worse then he already did. When he was finished getting ready for bed I followed.


After reading for a while it was time to turn off the lights. The lights on my side of the room were off but my sadness was still on. Gregory was beginning to turn his lights off. He has two switches on the back of his night table. One turns off the table lamp and the other turns off the "up lights" on the bookcases under the windows. He likes to turn off the table lamp and then enjoy the items on the top of the bookcases: green pottery, framed art pieces, plants, a few piles of books, and our Teddy Bear Sebastian sitting on top of one of the piles of books. 


Just before he turned off the last of the lights, he waved goodnight to the Teddy Bear. That simple action softened and settled my emotions and filled me with love. The sadness dissipated. I slept well.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Manuscript

Today, after close to a month of working with my editor Karen Schindler, I sent my manuscript off to the publisher who requested a look at it. The title of the work, at least in my head, is GYROSCOPE: An Alzheimer's Love Story. The title is based on the scientific instrument, a gyroscope, which can spin in circles while maintaining its balance. That is what my live has been like since Gregory's diagnosis of Early Onset Alzheimer's Disease in 2003

Through essays, observations, dreams, poetry, and selected quotations I tell the story of Gregory and my situation. Hopefully this upbeat positive work, when published, will help others involved with loving someone with Alzheimer's feel confirmed, supported, and a little less lonely.

I must say that I am a little down right now at having gone through my recent life at least three times. Once experiencing it, twice writing about it over the last seven years, thrice with the process of editing and proofreading it quite a number of times before considering it ready to send. Not an easy task.

My hopes are up but not my expectations. The manuscript is created and delivered, the rest is up to the publisher. At least for now...

Saturday, August 28, 2010

The Family Alter

In the closet, on a shelf of the dresser units just below eye height, Gregory has set up his Family Alter. There variously framed photographs of family members who have "found their way out" smile their love while we remain until it is time to follow.


Each morning Gregory spends time with them: remembering, contemplating, sharing, meditating. He considers them his Spirit Guides and he thanks them for their past support as well as in advance for their present and future support.


On the back of each photograph there is a post-it with the name of the relative written on it. While he knows who each person is, he cannot always name each person so the signs help. 


Part of Gregory has followed already and I know that his Spirit Guides cradle him gently.



Saturday, August 21, 2010

Sigh

Last night as we were drifting off to sleep, Gregory let out a long sigh. As I am used to doing, I asked, "Are you OK.?"

"Yes, Gregory replied, "I am just so happy."

"And that makes me happy," I replied.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Humor & Alzheimers

Very often, for a person with Alzheimer's, humor doesn't work anymore. When one has enough difficulties pulling every day language, it is a lot more difficult to use language in ways that promote laughter. 

Humor is based on cognitive experiences with new insights, unique ways of seeing, pun,incongruities, shift in perspective, timing, reframing, absurdity, etc. All difficult for the person with Alzheimer's.

But every not and then, humor does peek through. I was working at my computer when Gregory called out from the kitchen, "Do you want to share the last of the cherries?" 

"Yes, I replied." When I finished at the computer and joined him in the kitchen, this is what I found. Needless to say I got a chuckle out of this and Gregory was pleased with himself!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

GYROSCOPE: An Alzheimer's Love Story

Continuing to plug away at the final edits of the book with Karen Schindler, my editor. Then off to the publisher, who requested a copy of the manuscript, to see what they think. Keep your fingers crossed!

Friday, August 13, 2010

The New York Times, August 13, 2010

Rare Sharing of Data Leads to Progress on Alzheimer’s
The New York TImes
By Gina Kolata


In 2003, a group of scientists and executives from the National Institutes of Health, the Food and Drug Administration, the drug and medical-imaging industries, universities and nonprofit groups joined in a project that experts say had no precedent: a collaborative effort to find the biological markers that show the progression of Alzheimer’s disease in the human brain.


Now, the effort is bearing fruit with a wealth of recent scientific papers on the early diagnosis of Alzheimer’s using methods like PET scans and tests of spinal fluid. More than 100 studies are under way to test drugs that might slow or stop the disease.


And the collaboration is already serving as a model for similar efforts against Parkinson’s disease. A $40 million project to look for biomarkers for Parkinson’s, sponsored by the Michael J. Fox Foundation, plans to enroll 600 study subjects in the United States and Europe.


The work on Alzheimer’s “is the precedent,” said Holly Barkhymer, a spokeswoman for the foundation. “We’re really excited.”


The key to the Alzheimer’s project was an agreement as ambitious as its goal: not just to raise money, not just to do research on a vast scale, but also to share all the data, making every single finding public immediately, available to anyone with a computer anywhere in the world.


No one would own the data. No one could submit patent applications, though private companies would ultimately profit from any drugs or imaging tests developed as a result of the effort.


“It was unbelievable,” said Dr. John Q. Trojanowski, an Alzheimer’s researcher at the University of Pennsylvania. “It’s not science the way most of us have practiced it in our careers. But we all realized that we would never get biomarkers unless all of us parked our egos and intellectual-property noses outside the door and agreed that all of our data would be public immediately.”


Biomarkers are not necessarily definitive. It remains to be seen how many people who have them actually get the disease. But that is part of the research project.


The idea for the collaboration, known as ADNI, for Alzheimer’s Disease Neuroimaging Initiative, emerged about 10 years ago during a casual conversation in a car.


Neil S. Buckholtz, chief of the Dementias of Aging Branch at the National Institute on Aging, was in Indianapolis, and Dr. William Potter, a neuroscientist at Eli Lilly and his longtime friend, was driving him to the airport.


Dr. Potter had recently left the National Institutes of Health and he had been thinking about how to speed the glacial progress of Alzheimer’s drug research.


“We wanted to get out of what I called 19th-century drug development — give a drug and hope it does something,” Dr. Potter recalled in an interview on Thursday. “What was needed was to find some way of seeing what was happening in the brain as Alzheimer’s progressed and asking if experimental drugs could alter that progression.”


Scientists were looking for biomarkers, but they were not getting very far.


“The problem in the field was that you had many different scientists in many different universities doing their own research with their own patients and with their own methods,” said Dr. Michael W. Weiner of the San Francisco Department of Veterans Affairs, who directs ADNI. “Different people using different methods on different subjects in different places were getting different results, which is not surprising. What was needed was to get everyone together and to get a common data set.”


But that would require a huge effort. No company could do it alone, and neither could individual researchers. The project would require 800 subjects, some with normal memories, some with memory impairment, some with Alzheimer’s, who would be tested for possible biomarkers and followed for years to see whether these markers signaled the disease’s progression.


Suddenly, in the car as he drove Dr. Buckholtz to the airport, “everything just jelled,” Dr. Potter said, adding, “Maybe this was important enough to get people to work together and coordinate in a way that hadn’t been possible before.”


The idea, Dr. Buckholtz said, was that the government’s National Institutes of Health “could serve as an honest broker between the pharmaceutical industry and academia.”


Soon, Dr. Richard J. Hodes, the director of the National Institute on Aging, was on the phone with Dr. Steven M. Paul, a former scientific director at the National Institute of Mental Health who had recently left to head central-nervous-system research at Eli Lilly. Dr. Paul offered to ask other drug companies to raise money.


It turned out to be relatively easy to get companies to agree, Dr. Paul said. It had become clear that the problem of finding good diagnostic tools was huge and complex. “We were better off working together than individually,” he said.


A critical aspect of the project was the Foundation for the National Institutes of Health, which was set up by Congress to raise private funds on behalf of the institutes. Dr. Paul was on its board.


In the end, the National Institute on Aging agreed to pay $41 million, other institutes contributed $2.4 million, and 20 companies and two nonprofit groups contributed an additional $27 million to get the project going and sustain it for the first six years. Late last year, the institute contributed an additional $24 million and the foundation was working on a renewal of the project for another five years that would involve federal and private contributions of the same magnitude as the initial ones.


At first, the collaboration struck many scientists as worrisome — they would be giving up ownership of data, and anyone could use it, publish papers, maybe even misinterpret it and publish information that was wrong.


But Alzheimer’s researchers and drug companies realized they had little choice.


“Companies were caught in a prisoner’s dilemma,” said Dr. Jason Karlawish, an Alzheimer’s researcher at the University of Pennsylvania. “They all wanted to move the field forward, but no one wanted to take the risks of doing it.”


Many people look askance at collaborations with drug companies, and often that attitude is justified, Dr. Karlawish said.


But not in this case. To those who are skeptical, he says, “My answer to them is ‘get over it.’ ”


He went on: “This one makes sense. The development of reliable and valid measures of Alzheimer’s disease requires such large science with such limited returns on the investment that it was in no one company’s interest to pursue it.”


Companies as well as academic researchers are using the data. There have been more than 3,200 downloads of the entire massive data set and almost a million downloads of the data sets containing images from brain scans.


And Dr. Buckholtz says he is pleasantly surprised by the way things are turning out.


“We weren’t sure, frankly, how it would work out having data available to everyone,” he said. “But we felt that the good that could come out of it was overwhelming. And that’s what’s happened.”





Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Keep your fingers crossed!

I haven't been writing on this blog for a while because I have been polishing my 200 page manuscript to send off to LaChance Publishers who requested my doing so. I am very excited, I am hoping, but I am not counting. Will let you know what happens.