The title of this BLOG is certainly ironic and inappropriate but there is a message in it. After several postponements due to snowy weather and poor driving conditions, Gregory and I finally got to Battle Creek to visit his family in time for Easter.
It was important not only to visit family, but especially to spend time with Mark, Gregory's brother who had a serious stroke a year ago Christmas and who is still only slowly recovering.
Mark is unable to swallow due to paralysis and therefore still has his tracheotomy, a feeding tube, and is unable to talk. Luckily he still is cognizant and able to write down his thoughts, questions, needs. While he gets around fairly well, he is certainly more feeble than he was before the stroke.
Gregory, as you know, has been traveling the Alzheimer's Journey for at least ten years that we know of, is unable to take care of himself and therefore dependent on me for most needs. He lacks the ability for the most part to use and/or understand language, has great difficulty in making the associations necessary to carry on daily life.
On the outside you wouldn't be able to tell that anything is wrong except that Gregory would seem very quiet and non-participatory. But when working with him you would soon find out his lacks.
So here we have two "Ruined Men" whose lifestyles certainly are nothing like they used to be before their illnesses. Mark a successful businessman, "go-getter," active in the community, hunter, sailor, intelligent, excellent father and husband, hands on kind of person and Gregory, his brother, Phi Beta Kappa at Harvard, high end successful well known architect and interior designer, close to concert pianist, intelligent, devoted lover and friend, hands on kind of person.
On arriving in Battle Creek and walking into Mark and Diane's home, when they saw each other and hugged with such affection and love, and didn't need to say a word except for the tears that welled up in their eyes, you realized that they were not "Ruined Men" at all but very much together in their humanity.
Through both of their severe, debilitating illnesses they are happy, content, hopeful, optimistic, joyful, and never forget how to say "I love you" to those around them. They wake up each morning looking forward to living life as fully as they are able and they go to bed at night having enjoyed the day.
Many times during the week end visit, you could find Gregory and Mark sitting quietly together, holding hands, looking into each others face and smiling, or just being together watching the TV or the family interactions and Easter meal preparations.
I think that both men might be more together, more content, and less ambitious than any of us in the rest of the family. Who is to say.
Monday, April 1, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Meditation: Round 2: Practice 4 & 5
Just to keep track, I skipped Practice 4 because I was ill.
Practice 5 presented an interesting shift for me in several ways.
1) Previously, a day or two before our meeting, I would think about possible Intentions and Heartfelt Desires. This time, I decided to wait and see what "arrived" as I was settling in and getting into the meditation.
2) Another thing that I am more aware of is a "spiraling" of lessons with each new appearance bringing a deeper, more coherent understanding of the idea, emotion, experience, etc that presents itself.
3) During the period of my deepest calm, I became aware of what I would describe as Black (visually) but more An Absence (emotionally & intellectually.) Things would come and go without disrupting my meditation.
At one point a man showed up, I acknowledged him and continued my meditation without needing to know who he was, or what he wanted, or what he represented.
Another time a beautiful, sweet, pink fondant ribbon swirled in my Black, maybe because it was also my birthday and I was thinking of cake but it didn't matter I continued my meditation.
4) At times one needs to pause and enter the moment as it presents itself for lessons to be learned, but other options include setting it aside to deal with at a later time, or deciding that it is not important to deal with the distraction at all and recognizing it for what it is: a distraction.
During Practice 5 Corinne decided to spend a lot of time focusing on the body, energy, and health. While I did "scan" my body and reaffirm my excellent health, I did not end up staying with Corinne's guidance but rather revisited the concept of Essential Self which Corinne had mentioned in her opening comments.
She talked about the difficulty some people have in looking closely at their Essential Self, that self which is closer to being in touch with the universe and away from one's experiences, societal agreements, religious figure and parent pronouncements. In other words free from any biases, real or imagined, true or not, that tend to color who we are, what we think, and how we approach our day to day lives. Our PURE ESSENCE.
In the past I have had trouble focusing on my Essential Self, knowing it exists deep within me but somehow not being able or comfortable enough to dig down for a close look. In relation to the Essential Self, this time I revisited a Triumvirate of Self that I have been aware of, fine tuned it, and added the Essential Self as a fourth level.
I started out with my Public Self which I allow everyone to see, my Private Self which I only allow close loved ones to see, and my Secret Self which only I know about and which I would never share with anyone.
This understanding allowed me to arrive at the fourth self or Essential Self, as defined above. It was easier to look at my Essential Self without fear or difficulty when seeing it on this Continuum of Self from most external and visible to most internal and sacred.
Each time I experience a Mindful Meditation Practice, Yoga Nidra, I seem to arrive at a new place of comfort with myself, my relationship with Gregory, and with my world. Time well spent.
Practice 5 presented an interesting shift for me in several ways.
1) Previously, a day or two before our meeting, I would think about possible Intentions and Heartfelt Desires. This time, I decided to wait and see what "arrived" as I was settling in and getting into the meditation.
2) Another thing that I am more aware of is a "spiraling" of lessons with each new appearance bringing a deeper, more coherent understanding of the idea, emotion, experience, etc that presents itself.
3) During the period of my deepest calm, I became aware of what I would describe as Black (visually) but more An Absence (emotionally & intellectually.) Things would come and go without disrupting my meditation.
At one point a man showed up, I acknowledged him and continued my meditation without needing to know who he was, or what he wanted, or what he represented.
Another time a beautiful, sweet, pink fondant ribbon swirled in my Black, maybe because it was also my birthday and I was thinking of cake but it didn't matter I continued my meditation.
4) At times one needs to pause and enter the moment as it presents itself for lessons to be learned, but other options include setting it aside to deal with at a later time, or deciding that it is not important to deal with the distraction at all and recognizing it for what it is: a distraction.
During Practice 5 Corinne decided to spend a lot of time focusing on the body, energy, and health. While I did "scan" my body and reaffirm my excellent health, I did not end up staying with Corinne's guidance but rather revisited the concept of Essential Self which Corinne had mentioned in her opening comments.
She talked about the difficulty some people have in looking closely at their Essential Self, that self which is closer to being in touch with the universe and away from one's experiences, societal agreements, religious figure and parent pronouncements. In other words free from any biases, real or imagined, true or not, that tend to color who we are, what we think, and how we approach our day to day lives. Our PURE ESSENCE.
In the past I have had trouble focusing on my Essential Self, knowing it exists deep within me but somehow not being able or comfortable enough to dig down for a close look. In relation to the Essential Self, this time I revisited a Triumvirate of Self that I have been aware of, fine tuned it, and added the Essential Self as a fourth level.
I started out with my Public Self which I allow everyone to see, my Private Self which I only allow close loved ones to see, and my Secret Self which only I know about and which I would never share with anyone.
This understanding allowed me to arrive at the fourth self or Essential Self, as defined above. It was easier to look at my Essential Self without fear or difficulty when seeing it on this Continuum of Self from most external and visible to most internal and sacred.
Each time I experience a Mindful Meditation Practice, Yoga Nidra, I seem to arrive at a new place of comfort with myself, my relationship with Gregory, and with my world. Time well spent.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien
One of our favorite Edith Piaf songs is Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien. The other day, I was talking to myself during a moment of mindfulness and I said, " When Gregory dies, I do not want to regret not having done my best for him." Let that be my mantra and the measure of the rest of our days together.
Click here to see her perform the song.
Opens in a new window.
No, nothing of nothing
No! I don't feel sorry about anything
Not the good things people have done to me
Not the bad things, it's all the same to me.
No, nothing of nothing
No! I don't feel sorry about anything
It's paid for, removed, forgotten,
I'm happy of the past
With my memories
I lit up the fire
My troubles, my pleasures
I don't need them anymore
Broomed away my love stories
And all their tremble
Broomed away for always
I start again from zero
Non ! Je ne regrette rien
Ni le mal, tout ça m'est bien égal !
Non ! Je ne regrette rien
Because my life, my joys
Today, they begin with you.
Click here to see her perform the song.
Opens in a new window.
No, nothing of nothing
No! I don't feel sorry about anything
Not the good things people have done to me
Not the bad things, it's all the same to me.
No, nothing of nothing
No! I don't feel sorry about anything
It's paid for, removed, forgotten,
I'm happy of the past
With my memories
I lit up the fire
My troubles, my pleasures
I don't need them anymore
Broomed away my love stories
And all their tremble
Broomed away for always
I start again from zero
Non ! Je ne regrette rien
Ni le mal, tout ça m'est bien égal !
Non ! Je ne regrette rien
Because my life, my joys
Today, they begin with you.
March 27, 1945
Happy Birthday Michael
Michael at just a few months with Dad Lou and Mom Adeline
March 27, 1945
Michael - 68 Years Old
March 27, 2013
Mom began her next journey on the day I was born.
A Blessing on March 27 2010
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
The Three Times
This piece is useful to remind me that I can forgive myself because my poor behavior, decision, action etc is already dead. Move on. Live a better life here and now.
It is essential to see that we live our lives most of the time in the three times; that's to say, the past, the present, and the future. Why do I suffer now? It's because of something in the past. What about what should I do in the future. Well, I should plan to do something in the future. The odd fact is that the past actually is dead. There are memories of it, but everything in the past is actually gone, and every thing in the future has not yet arisen. There's only one place where you can actually be, and that is now. This needs thinking about, because it's very easy to say that's a lot of nonsense - of course there's past, present, and future. But actually, the only place where there is something, is-ness, is only now. How could be there be anything else? Anything else is was-ness or will-be-ness. Is-ness is only now. And you, therefore, can only be now. You cannot be in the past. That's dead. You cannot be in the future. It hasn't come. You can only be now.
It is essential to see that we live our lives most of the time in the three times; that's to say, the past, the present, and the future. Why do I suffer now? It's because of something in the past. What about what should I do in the future. Well, I should plan to do something in the future. The odd fact is that the past actually is dead. There are memories of it, but everything in the past is actually gone, and every thing in the future has not yet arisen. There's only one place where you can actually be, and that is now. This needs thinking about, because it's very easy to say that's a lot of nonsense - of course there's past, present, and future. But actually, the only place where there is something, is-ness, is only now. How could be there be anything else? Anything else is was-ness or will-be-ness. Is-ness is only now. And you, therefore, can only be now. You cannot be in the past. That's dead. You cannot be in the future. It hasn't come. You can only be now.
From Tricyle, The Buddhist Review. Spring 2013. P 14.
"The Three Times"
"The Three Times"
By: John Crook
Monday, March 25, 2013
Enlightenment
If you speak of "achieving enlightenment, "you may think that you don't usually have enlightenment. If you say, "Enlightenment comes," you may wonder where it comes from. If you say, "I have become enlightened," you may suppose that enlightenment has a beginning."
From Tricyle, The Buddhist Review. Spring 2013. P 14.
"Tea and Rice" By Zen Master Dogen
I add so better to know that you are already enlightened, it comes from within, and it is an ongoing learning that never stops ... or better yet ... just don't talk about enlightenment, live it.
From Tricyle, The Buddhist Review. Spring 2013. P 14.
"Tea and Rice" By Zen Master Dogen
I add so better to know that you are already enlightened, it comes from within, and it is an ongoing learning that never stops ... or better yet ... just don't talk about enlightenment, live it.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
The Bud
The bud
stands for all things,
even for those things that don't flower,
for everything flowers, from within, of self-blessing;
though sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on its brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing...
Galway Kinnell
"Saint Francis and the Sow"
Seen in Grace (Eventually:) thoughts on Faith
By Anne Lamott
Saturday, March 23, 2013
The Soul
"Dust to dust!" he enthused. I smiled, rather grimly, and reminded myself to breathe slowly. If you want to feel loving, I coached myself, do something loving. This is basic soul care.
I don't even know what that means - Soul. Traditionally it is believed to be the component of ourselves that survives physical death; a reflection of the Holy, make up of light and breath and silence and love, of everything ancient and of babies about to be born. C.S. Lewis said, "You don't have a soul. You are a should. You have a body." If this is right, we have a purpose, which is to shine, like the moon shining in the sky; or to paraphrase the old bumper sticker: Think globally, shine locally.
Seen in
Grace (Eventually:) thoughts on Faith
By Anne Lamott
Wednesday, March 20, 2013
There Is No Place Like Home Auntie Em
I have often considered "next steps" for Gregory and me but he is not yet ready nor am I. As long as I am physically able to do a good job of supporting him and emotionally together enough to continue supporting myself, I will do what I have to. There are many steps and outside support available before needing to move him to a home, I will not hesitate when it is time, and I will know when that time arrives. Meanwhile his home is here with me in the home our love for each other has created over the last 35+ years.
What is Your Name Follow Up
After we were both cleaned up for bed, and I was sitting here writing about Gregory's not knowing my name, he crawled into our unmade bed and covered his head with the blanket.
I sat down beside him and asked, "How are you doing?"
"Not well."
"Why?"
"I don't know."
"So you didn't remember that you have Alzheimer's?"
"Yes, I do."
"It must have been hard realizing that you didn't know my name."
"Yes it was. Your name is Michael."
"And yours?"
"Greg."
"So that is all over for now. You know I love you very much. And I know you love me very much. And I AM HERE FOR YOU."
He cried. I hugged. We kissed. We laughed.
Another Happy Ending.
I sat down beside him and asked, "How are you doing?"
"Not well."
"Why?"
"I don't know."
"So you didn't remember that you have Alzheimer's?"
"Yes, I do."
"It must have been hard realizing that you didn't know my name."
"Yes it was. Your name is Michael."
"And yours?"
"Greg."
"So that is all over for now. You know I love you very much. And I know you love me very much. And I AM HERE FOR YOU."
He cried. I hugged. We kissed. We laughed.
Another Happy Ending.
To Be Kept in Love
This is why I try to hard not to be mean or get upset with Gregory! I don't always succeed. It is so important to me and to him that he be kept in LOVE no matter how much of him disappears.
Hope & Fear
Besides good advice, I have highlighted why I so like Ms. Chödrön's advice.
March 20, 2013
March 20, 2013
WE CAN’T JUST JUMP OVER OURSELVES
Hope and fear come from feeling that we lack something; they come from a sense of poverty. We can’t simply relax with ourselves. We hold on to hope, and hope robs us of the present moment. We feel that someone else knows what’s going on, but that there’s something missing in us, and therefore something is lacking in our world.
Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look. That’s the compassionate thing to do. That’s the brave thing to do. We can’t just jump over ourselves as if we were not there. It’s better to take a straight look at all our hopes and fears. Then some kind of confidence in our basic sanity arises.
Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look. That’s the compassionate thing to do. That’s the brave thing to do. We can’t just jump over ourselves as if we were not there. It’s better to take a straight look at all our hopes and fears. Then some kind of confidence in our basic sanity arises.
From:
What is Your Name?
Don't read this if you get easily depressed, because I know that after tonight's episode, I am depressed enough for an entire city. Maybe he is loosing more functioning because he is still ill. I do not know what to think.
He was in the bathroom on the toilet. He moved his bowels and wiped himself. I asked about the toilet paper still in his hand and he didn't know what to do with it. I had him stand up so I could see his progress. He had done some wiping after all. He sat back down.
"Throw the paper in your hand into the toilet." He did not know what to do. He looked at the garbage pail next to the toilet and pointed at that. "No," I said, "In the toilet." He continued to look confused. I asked him to stand up again and said, "You throw the shit paper in there." "Oh," he replied.
I explained the process to him again and you would have thought I was speaking in a foreign language. "So it looks like you do not know how to use the toilet anymore, I will have to help you."
He got upset with me and was able to say, "Can't ... you ... just ... tell ... me?"
"Yes," I answered, "but when I tell you you don't understand." He didn't understand. We went through the three or four times. Tell me. But you don't understand. Tell. Understand. Tell? Understand?
Previously we have attributed his problems to Alzheimer's and he is usually the first to tell you he has it. I said, "This is what Alzheimer's is all about isn't it! You know that don't you?"
"No! I have Alzheimer's?" He was incredulous as if he or I had never said or heard this before.
"Yes you do," I answered, "we have talked about this before." So I braved it and asked something I have wanted to ask for a while, "What is my name?" No reply. "Do you know my name?" He stood there silently for quite a while with a look of dread on his face.
Finally he said sadly, "No I don't."
"Michael. Do you know your name?"
He fumbled for words, thought, and finally answered, "I don't have one."
"Your name is Gregory." A light somewhere deep inside seemed to go on, or was I just imagining it.
"Why don't you get ready for bed now" and we had to work through what that meant.
He was in the bathroom on the toilet. He moved his bowels and wiped himself. I asked about the toilet paper still in his hand and he didn't know what to do with it. I had him stand up so I could see his progress. He had done some wiping after all. He sat back down.
"Throw the paper in your hand into the toilet." He did not know what to do. He looked at the garbage pail next to the toilet and pointed at that. "No," I said, "In the toilet." He continued to look confused. I asked him to stand up again and said, "You throw the shit paper in there." "Oh," he replied.
I explained the process to him again and you would have thought I was speaking in a foreign language. "So it looks like you do not know how to use the toilet anymore, I will have to help you."
He got upset with me and was able to say, "Can't ... you ... just ... tell ... me?"
"Yes," I answered, "but when I tell you you don't understand." He didn't understand. We went through the three or four times. Tell me. But you don't understand. Tell. Understand. Tell? Understand?
Previously we have attributed his problems to Alzheimer's and he is usually the first to tell you he has it. I said, "This is what Alzheimer's is all about isn't it! You know that don't you?"
"No! I have Alzheimer's?" He was incredulous as if he or I had never said or heard this before.
"Yes you do," I answered, "we have talked about this before." So I braved it and asked something I have wanted to ask for a while, "What is my name?" No reply. "Do you know my name?" He stood there silently for quite a while with a look of dread on his face.
Finally he said sadly, "No I don't."
"Michael. Do you know your name?"
He fumbled for words, thought, and finally answered, "I don't have one."
"Your name is Gregory." A light somewhere deep inside seemed to go on, or was I just imagining it.
"Why don't you get ready for bed now" and we had to work through what that meant.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
One Word at a Time
My vow of silence lasted one and one half days. It was terminated sooner than I had hoped but did serve the purpose of calming me down. Also, as Gregory regained his health, his daily functioning improved somewhat. Another lesson learned for the future.
Then I got the same flu he had (not a bad) and was forced to take care of myself a little more than taking care of him. I did get him to sit on the toilet every two hours (with success) and prepared his meals. I was forced to "calm down" even more by my being ill.
After the first day of silence, I decided that perhaps a next step would be ONE WORD AT A TIME. Since complex directions, statements, or questions confuse him, maybe one word communications would help. It didn't.
As he was leaving the bathroom and I was in bed not feeling well, I said, "Light." meaning please turn off the bathroom light. He was not able to connect the word "Light" with the room he was in. So I added, "Bathroom." Still no connection. Led to "Bathroom light." Still no connection with asking him to turn off the light as he was leaving the bathroom. So I finally gave up on the "One Word" concept and asked, "Please turn off the bathroom light?" He did.
The one word thing about Alzheimer's? "Insidious" and it always wins no matter how closely you follow or create the rules!
Then I got the same flu he had (not a bad) and was forced to take care of myself a little more than taking care of him. I did get him to sit on the toilet every two hours (with success) and prepared his meals. I was forced to "calm down" even more by my being ill.
After the first day of silence, I decided that perhaps a next step would be ONE WORD AT A TIME. Since complex directions, statements, or questions confuse him, maybe one word communications would help. It didn't.
As he was leaving the bathroom and I was in bed not feeling well, I said, "Light." meaning please turn off the bathroom light. He was not able to connect the word "Light" with the room he was in. So I added, "Bathroom." Still no connection. Led to "Bathroom light." Still no connection with asking him to turn off the light as he was leaving the bathroom. So I finally gave up on the "One Word" concept and asked, "Please turn off the bathroom light?" He did.
The one word thing about Alzheimer's? "Insidious" and it always wins no matter how closely you follow or create the rules!
Monday, March 18, 2013
An Apology
I apologize for being impatient.
I apologize for loosing my temper.
I apologize for raging at you.
I apologize for being violent with you.
(Read less than kind. Read abrupt.)
I apologize for saying unkind things.
I apologize for being mean.
I love you, never doubt that.
And I know that you love me.
I just don't love myself right now.
I took a vow of silence yesterday and for a day or two. This may seem like being melodramatic but if I am going to cope with Gregory's continued decline, especially his current digestive illness, I need to get a grip on myself and be the kind, loving, gentle caregiver partner that I know I am.
I used the above apology and explained that I would be here for him, to help him, to love him, but that I was going to take a vow of silence because that would prevent me from getting upset and therefore upsetting him.
If I can't show or demonstrate it, I will do what he needs done. This will help me avoid having to use words. I will not need to apologize for the above listed reactions that I have been working at controlling.
Just now he brought me his glass of water, ready to take his pills. "Is this enough?" he asked referring to how much water was in the glass. Bringing him with me, I took the glass into the kitchen, filled it with more water, said not a word. He headed back to the bedroom. I tapped him, gestured at the now full glass of water and he got the picture. Success. This time.
With my vow of silence, I have been more aware of talking to myself in my head. Perhaps this will lessen the time between the triggering of an emotion and my reaction.
I apologize for loosing my temper.
I apologize for raging at you.
I apologize for being violent with you.
(Read less than kind. Read abrupt.)
I apologize for saying unkind things.
I apologize for being mean.
I love you, never doubt that.
And I know that you love me.
I just don't love myself right now.
I took a vow of silence yesterday and for a day or two. This may seem like being melodramatic but if I am going to cope with Gregory's continued decline, especially his current digestive illness, I need to get a grip on myself and be the kind, loving, gentle caregiver partner that I know I am.
I used the above apology and explained that I would be here for him, to help him, to love him, but that I was going to take a vow of silence because that would prevent me from getting upset and therefore upsetting him.
If I can't show or demonstrate it, I will do what he needs done. This will help me avoid having to use words. I will not need to apologize for the above listed reactions that I have been working at controlling.
Just now he brought me his glass of water, ready to take his pills. "Is this enough?" he asked referring to how much water was in the glass. Bringing him with me, I took the glass into the kitchen, filled it with more water, said not a word. He headed back to the bedroom. I tapped him, gestured at the now full glass of water and he got the picture. Success. This time.
With my vow of silence, I have been more aware of talking to myself in my head. Perhaps this will lessen the time between the triggering of an emotion and my reaction.
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Scatology Part 2
Just when I have gotten over the previous dilemma, disappointment, impasse, lack of communication, misunderstanding, inability to discuss therefore solve or explain ... the SHIT hits the fan again.
Every hour on the hour I have been sending Gregory to sit on the toilet just in case he might need to move his bowels. I have tried to let him be more independent by not supervising. I go in after while, ask him to stand up, so I can check his progress. So far two small liquid movements. Several times nothing and that is good. NO accidents and that is even better.
I have stopped supervising his "wiping" having decided that if he is not as clean as he should be, so be it. We'll shower again tonight.
He just finished his 3:00 attempt in the bathroom. I came in several minutes later to see how he had done. Luckily he had not done anything because he forgot to pull down his underpants. There he was sitting on the toilet, folded toilet paper in hand at the ready, with his underpants full up.
I began to point out the problem but from the look on his face I could tell I was WASTING my breath talking about the situation. So I am writing this instead.
Again, not for your sympathy or your feeling like you want to help but can't. I am writing this because my BLOG is SOMEONE I can talk to and get some closure and do the theoretical count to ten to calm myself down.
1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7 ... ... ... ... ...
Every hour on the hour I have been sending Gregory to sit on the toilet just in case he might need to move his bowels. I have tried to let him be more independent by not supervising. I go in after while, ask him to stand up, so I can check his progress. So far two small liquid movements. Several times nothing and that is good. NO accidents and that is even better.
I have stopped supervising his "wiping" having decided that if he is not as clean as he should be, so be it. We'll shower again tonight.
He just finished his 3:00 attempt in the bathroom. I came in several minutes later to see how he had done. Luckily he had not done anything because he forgot to pull down his underpants. There he was sitting on the toilet, folded toilet paper in hand at the ready, with his underpants full up.
I began to point out the problem but from the look on his face I could tell I was WASTING my breath talking about the situation. So I am writing this instead.
Again, not for your sympathy or your feeling like you want to help but can't. I am writing this because my BLOG is SOMEONE I can talk to and get some closure and do the theoretical count to ten to calm myself down.
1 ... 2 ... 3 ... 4 ... 5 ... 6 ... 7 ... ... ... ... ...
WARNING: Explicit Scatology
Dear J,
Thanks for your thoughts. Things have been so hectic that I haven't even had five minutes alone in which to sit down for our phone chat. Friday night G had some kind of virus (don't think it was food poisoning) had the runs and has given me quite a run since.
Shit himself, shit the bed all night. Luckily I had a package of hospital type bed squares with absorbent on one side and plastic on the other.
Slept most of Saturday in between me having having to clean him up. After some toast, tea, and yogurt he shit on both of us as he stood in the middle of the kitchen saying, "Oh oh, Oh oh." I didn't know where to start to clean up the mess.
I have started having him sit on the pot every hour on the hour. Have caught most of the accidents. His ass is so raw that it hurts to look at and I am applying medicated cream.
Woke him up through the night and again caught most of the accidents. But toilet paper skills were sadly lacking and that paired with communication deficiencies made it an almost impossible situation.
Today is Sunday and he is still messing his pants. We will have another binding banana and oatmeal for breakfast and see what the day brings.
All this with the inability to wipe his own ass let alone communicate his needs or understand my questions. So like a baby flailing in its poop, that is what I am dealing with.
When he is sitting in one place he still looks and feels like Gregory. But at least with this weekend's illness, none of the Gregory I know is here with me.
I know your comment "You are not alone." means you empathize with me and wish you were here to support me but guess what, I am alone. And numb. Beware the IDES of MARCH.
And Emma decided to throw up twice. At least she did it in the middle of the bathroom tile so the grout is safe as is the bedroom rug. A bit of humor.
Thanks for your thoughts. Things have been so hectic that I haven't even had five minutes alone in which to sit down for our phone chat. Friday night G had some kind of virus (don't think it was food poisoning) had the runs and has given me quite a run since.
Shit himself, shit the bed all night. Luckily I had a package of hospital type bed squares with absorbent on one side and plastic on the other.
Slept most of Saturday in between me having having to clean him up. After some toast, tea, and yogurt he shit on both of us as he stood in the middle of the kitchen saying, "Oh oh, Oh oh." I didn't know where to start to clean up the mess.
I have started having him sit on the pot every hour on the hour. Have caught most of the accidents. His ass is so raw that it hurts to look at and I am applying medicated cream.
Woke him up through the night and again caught most of the accidents. But toilet paper skills were sadly lacking and that paired with communication deficiencies made it an almost impossible situation.
Today is Sunday and he is still messing his pants. We will have another binding banana and oatmeal for breakfast and see what the day brings.
All this with the inability to wipe his own ass let alone communicate his needs or understand my questions. So like a baby flailing in its poop, that is what I am dealing with.
When he is sitting in one place he still looks and feels like Gregory. But at least with this weekend's illness, none of the Gregory I know is here with me.
I know your comment "You are not alone." means you empathize with me and wish you were here to support me but guess what, I am alone. And numb. Beware the IDES of MARCH.
And Emma decided to throw up twice. At least she did it in the middle of the bathroom tile so the grout is safe as is the bedroom rug. A bit of humor.
Michael
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Meditation: Round 2: Practice 3
For this practice (which is what we call the meditation session) there were only two of us with Corinne. The other person and I have been with Corinne previously so she decided, with our permission, to take a different approach. You know the "stress" I am under and the other person had just experienced a health emergency. She had to go through that ordeal herself and mentioned that the use of her Yoga Nidra techniques helped her through the ordeal.
In this practice, we decided to look more closely at emotions in addition to working our way through all 14 steps of the practice (you've seen the diagram previously.) During the Emotions part you observe emotions that are present (now that you are in a comfortable, relaxed state,) inquire about what these emotions are telling you, concentrate on the emotion and then on its opposite. The purpose of looking at an emotion from both sides is that emotions are in flux and one is on a continuum between the positive of the emotion and the negative of the emotion. Often during a practice, you notice the emotion and know that you do not have to deal with it right then. But you must acknowledge it and deal with it later if you do not want it to increase in intensity. This time we were going to concentrate on the emotions.
The emotion that came to me, again, was JOY. Its opposite, SORROW. If you have been following these Yoga BLOGs you will know that this seems to be a recurring theme for me.
When Corinne asked us to look at our Essential Self (that which we are in relation to the universe) vs our Essential Nature (that which we have become based on experiences, expectations, relations to others and society) in relation to this continuum of emotion I felt blocked. My life most of the time is so wrapped up with trying to be the best me I can be to support Gregory, and my guilt at falling short of my expectations for myself that for some reason when trying to look through the vail I am unable to see "the real me."
Then this visualization and verbiage came to me. Yes JOY is all around me (picture me in the center of embracing hands with the hands being JOY, my essential self is in the center of these hands but without Gregory as part of my life, I cannot see through to my essential self. It is as if our souls, our spirits are so closely joined that I cannot tell one apart from the other. It feels, as Gregory continues to disintegrate day by day, that my soul is being CLEAVED in two. Split. Torn. Cleaved as in cleaver.
Corinne proposed a series of images in which we could weigh the emotions we choose and each one was diminished in light of not being able to appreciate them with Gregory: a spring day, a child's toy, a beautiful flower, etc I was so sad and knew that I could return to my Inner Resource (Forest) for protection but I chose to stay with the difficulty of looking at the joy/sorrow emotion.
So most of the time, while I know JOY exists and I do see and celebrate it, I am mostly wrapped up in SORROW and the suffering it brings. Soon after we slowly came back to the witnessing of the experience/practice and slowly returned to the waking state at the end of the practice. As I took the eye cover off, tears streamed out of my eyes and down my face. I was not crying on the outside but my emotions inside had caused the flood. It was a strange feeling. It was as if my eyes were crying but I wasn't.
Am still analyzing the experience but it probably seems obvious that my love for Gregory, our 35+ years together in such a strong, respectful, supportive relationship has united our spirits so strongly into one unique spirit that with the Alzheimer's Journey which we are currently on, and the insidious nature of the disease, the untying of those spirits is no easy task and extremely painful. Yes, JOY but also SORROW.
In this practice, we decided to look more closely at emotions in addition to working our way through all 14 steps of the practice (you've seen the diagram previously.) During the Emotions part you observe emotions that are present (now that you are in a comfortable, relaxed state,) inquire about what these emotions are telling you, concentrate on the emotion and then on its opposite. The purpose of looking at an emotion from both sides is that emotions are in flux and one is on a continuum between the positive of the emotion and the negative of the emotion. Often during a practice, you notice the emotion and know that you do not have to deal with it right then. But you must acknowledge it and deal with it later if you do not want it to increase in intensity. This time we were going to concentrate on the emotions.
The emotion that came to me, again, was JOY. Its opposite, SORROW. If you have been following these Yoga BLOGs you will know that this seems to be a recurring theme for me.
When Corinne asked us to look at our Essential Self (that which we are in relation to the universe) vs our Essential Nature (that which we have become based on experiences, expectations, relations to others and society) in relation to this continuum of emotion I felt blocked. My life most of the time is so wrapped up with trying to be the best me I can be to support Gregory, and my guilt at falling short of my expectations for myself that for some reason when trying to look through the vail I am unable to see "the real me."
Then this visualization and verbiage came to me. Yes JOY is all around me (picture me in the center of embracing hands with the hands being JOY, my essential self is in the center of these hands but without Gregory as part of my life, I cannot see through to my essential self. It is as if our souls, our spirits are so closely joined that I cannot tell one apart from the other. It feels, as Gregory continues to disintegrate day by day, that my soul is being CLEAVED in two. Split. Torn. Cleaved as in cleaver.
Corinne proposed a series of images in which we could weigh the emotions we choose and each one was diminished in light of not being able to appreciate them with Gregory: a spring day, a child's toy, a beautiful flower, etc I was so sad and knew that I could return to my Inner Resource (Forest) for protection but I chose to stay with the difficulty of looking at the joy/sorrow emotion.
So most of the time, while I know JOY exists and I do see and celebrate it, I am mostly wrapped up in SORROW and the suffering it brings. Soon after we slowly came back to the witnessing of the experience/practice and slowly returned to the waking state at the end of the practice. As I took the eye cover off, tears streamed out of my eyes and down my face. I was not crying on the outside but my emotions inside had caused the flood. It was a strange feeling. It was as if my eyes were crying but I wasn't.
Am still analyzing the experience but it probably seems obvious that my love for Gregory, our 35+ years together in such a strong, respectful, supportive relationship has united our spirits so strongly into one unique spirit that with the Alzheimer's Journey which we are currently on, and the insidious nature of the disease, the untying of those spirits is no easy task and extremely painful. Yes, JOY but also SORROW.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Letting Go
When I run across something that speaks to me, I like to share it here on my Alzheimer's BLOG. Maybe it will speak to you, maybe not.
From: http://www.dailyom.com
From: http://www.dailyom.com
| March 7, 2013 Letting Go of Understanding Deeper Meaningsby Madisyn Taylor All of us who seek to be conscious and aware regard our experiences as teachers, and we try to discern what lessons we are learning from the things that happen in our lives. Sometimes the lesson is very clear from the get-go, and other times we have to really search to understand the deeper meaning behind some event. While this search often yields results, there also comes a point in the search where what we really need to do is move forward. It is possible that we are not meant to know the deeper meaning of certain occurrences. Answers may come later in our lives, or they may come as a result of letting go, or they may never come. We are all part of a complex system of being, and things work themselves out in the system as a whole. Sometimes we are just playing a necessary part in that process with a result larger than we can understand. It may have very little to do with us personally, and while that can be hard to understand, it can also free us from overthinking the matter. Sometimes it is best to see it in terms of karma, a past debt we have been able to repay in this way, or as the clearing of energy. We can simply thank the event for being part of our experience and let it go. This completes the process that the occurrence has made possible. To make this letting go official, we can perform a ritual, make a final journal entry on the subject, or sit in meditation with the intention of releasing the event from our consciousness. As we do so, we summon it one last time, honoring it with our attention, thanking it, and saying good-bye. We then let it go out the door, out the window, out the top of our heads, or into the earth through the bottoms of our feet, liberating ourselves from any burden we have carried in association with it. |
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Optimism
Interesting shifts take place the longer one deals with being an Alzheimer's Caregiver Partner. I realized that while taking care of my partner (keeping him as safe, clean, content, useful, busy, etc) I have forgotten to figure myself into the equation.
Not that I don't take care of myself but the personalities of the Caregiver Partners seem to merge with my own taking second place. All thoughts are shadowed by Gregory and his Alzheimer's.
The task is all consuming physically, emotionally, psychologically, and intellectually with little time left for myself. People always say, "Are you taking care of yourself?" While they are well meaning, it tells me that they do not really understand what it takes to be in this position.
Of course I am taking care of myself as much as possible. I eat well. I continue to sleep well. I can got out on my own when Gregory's Companions are with him. I read, go to the theater, eat candy, enjoy cooking, feel good about the order I am able to create for Gregory and me in our home.
But the emotional side of seeing your loved one continue to disintegrate in front of your eyes on a daily basis, unable to do today what he could do yesterday, who knows about tomorrow, and to try to untangle the messy web of associations he gets himself into cannot be put to rest.
The constant monitoring of his needs, actions, behaviors, thoughts is a job that cannot take a ten minute break, a weekend off, let alone a vacation. It is with you all the time even when I are not with Gregory.
Even while "taking care of yourself" it is very difficult to leave the mental and emotional part behind. It reminds me of people to try to escape from their problems by going on vacation or more extremely running away from their problems only to realize the problems came along with them. You can avoid your problems but that will not help solve them!
But then this shift I first spoke of began to take place. After 35+ years of being part of a loving, respectful, growing relationship and after 10+ years of being the lead caregiver partner, one begins to reestablish his own individuality and his own identity.
Yes I am still Gregory's Life Partner. Yes I am the lead member of his caregiving team. But I am also me and I am separate and I am different and I am unique and I will somehow come out on the other side of this Alzheimer's as a whole me.
This shift began to take place during my Yoga Nidra Mindful Meditation sessions when I realized that all the work done during the meditation was about Gregory instead of about me.
Once I made that shift I found that by making the meditation, the quest, the ability to quiet the noise in my head about me and not him, I was in a better place. I could be better with and for Gregory as well as for myself.
In other words I began to concentrate on me NOT on him and we all received the benefits. For example, NOT "How can I be better for Gregory" but rather "How can I be a better person." One step further is accepting my desires in the present tense, already present and already functioning. I AM A BETTER PERSON!
This BLOG's writing was sparked by today's horoscope as added below. I realized as I read it and identified with what it had to say, that I was thinking about me and my life and my future and not necessarily Gregory's. This may sound selfish but it is not.
My meditations will change me ... not Gregory. It will help me create a more patient, calm, loving environment for Gregory but he will still have to be the one to live in his world. I will work at understanding his world, but I do not have to live in it!
From: http://www.dailyom.com
March 9, 2013
Lifted by Outlook
Aries Daily Horoscope
Not that I don't take care of myself but the personalities of the Caregiver Partners seem to merge with my own taking second place. All thoughts are shadowed by Gregory and his Alzheimer's.
The task is all consuming physically, emotionally, psychologically, and intellectually with little time left for myself. People always say, "Are you taking care of yourself?" While they are well meaning, it tells me that they do not really understand what it takes to be in this position.
Of course I am taking care of myself as much as possible. I eat well. I continue to sleep well. I can got out on my own when Gregory's Companions are with him. I read, go to the theater, eat candy, enjoy cooking, feel good about the order I am able to create for Gregory and me in our home.
But the emotional side of seeing your loved one continue to disintegrate in front of your eyes on a daily basis, unable to do today what he could do yesterday, who knows about tomorrow, and to try to untangle the messy web of associations he gets himself into cannot be put to rest.
The constant monitoring of his needs, actions, behaviors, thoughts is a job that cannot take a ten minute break, a weekend off, let alone a vacation. It is with you all the time even when I are not with Gregory.
Even while "taking care of yourself" it is very difficult to leave the mental and emotional part behind. It reminds me of people to try to escape from their problems by going on vacation or more extremely running away from their problems only to realize the problems came along with them. You can avoid your problems but that will not help solve them!
But then this shift I first spoke of began to take place. After 35+ years of being part of a loving, respectful, growing relationship and after 10+ years of being the lead caregiver partner, one begins to reestablish his own individuality and his own identity.
Yes I am still Gregory's Life Partner. Yes I am the lead member of his caregiving team. But I am also me and I am separate and I am different and I am unique and I will somehow come out on the other side of this Alzheimer's as a whole me.
This shift began to take place during my Yoga Nidra Mindful Meditation sessions when I realized that all the work done during the meditation was about Gregory instead of about me.
Once I made that shift I found that by making the meditation, the quest, the ability to quiet the noise in my head about me and not him, I was in a better place. I could be better with and for Gregory as well as for myself.
In other words I began to concentrate on me NOT on him and we all received the benefits. For example, NOT "How can I be better for Gregory" but rather "How can I be a better person." One step further is accepting my desires in the present tense, already present and already functioning. I AM A BETTER PERSON!
This BLOG's writing was sparked by today's horoscope as added below. I realized as I read it and identified with what it had to say, that I was thinking about me and my life and my future and not necessarily Gregory's. This may sound selfish but it is not.
My meditations will change me ... not Gregory. It will help me create a more patient, calm, loving environment for Gregory but he will still have to be the one to live in his world. I will work at understanding his world, but I do not have to live in it!
• • • • •
From: http://www.dailyom.com
March 9, 2013
Lifted by Outlook
Aries Daily Horoscope
Your optimism can spark your determination today, providing you with the motivation you need to reach a new phase of accomplishment. The visions of a more beautiful future that you entertain while working and playing will likely inspire you to double your efforts where your ambitions are concerned. You may feel buoyant and energized as you contemplate the fulfillment of your expectations. And because you are likely approaching your tasks with an attitude of confidence today, you may find that you do not hesitate when presented with auspicious opportunities. If you take pleasure in your quest for accomplishment, you will likely have little trouble looking on the brighter side of life.
The most potent forms of motivation are often those that originate within us, fueled by the joy we feel when we contemplate our positive expectations. When we focus on our dreams and hopes, we need not concern ourselves greatly with the trials we face in the pursuit of our ambitions. Though we must address these issues directly, they do not cause anxious thoughts to blossom in our minds. Rather, we choose to treat tribulation pragmatically by doing all that is within our power to overcome the roadblocks that stand in the way of our eventual success. Our spirits never flag and we can take pride in the fact that we are doing our best to meet our goals, no matter what the outcome of our efforts is. The optimism you carry in your heart today will energize you and ensure that you stay strong in the face of adversity.
The most potent forms of motivation are often those that originate within us, fueled by the joy we feel when we contemplate our positive expectations. When we focus on our dreams and hopes, we need not concern ourselves greatly with the trials we face in the pursuit of our ambitions. Though we must address these issues directly, they do not cause anxious thoughts to blossom in our minds. Rather, we choose to treat tribulation pragmatically by doing all that is within our power to overcome the roadblocks that stand in the way of our eventual success. Our spirits never flag and we can take pride in the fact that we are doing our best to meet our goals, no matter what the outcome of our efforts is. The optimism you carry in your heart today will energize you and ensure that you stay strong in the face of adversity.
Separation
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
W.S. Merwin
Found in Grace Eventually: Thoughts on Faith. Anne Lamott. 2007. P 83.
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
W.S. Merwin
Found in Grace Eventually: Thoughts on Faith. Anne Lamott. 2007. P 83.
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Meditation: Round 2: Practice 2
Sometimes, in advance I think about what my intent for a practice might be or sometimes an idea just comes to me before or on the day of a practice. This time, mid-week, I decided to have my intent be: "What ever comes!" I wanted to be open to whatever thoughts might show up during the practice.
I was able quickly to get to a deep meditative state and reaffirmed my intent of "whatever."
Next, in thinking about my heartfelt desires, which you may remember is a larger, more encompassing view of what I hope for in my life, I "felt" that at least for today, my desire was to be more centered, to be more in control of my ups and downs my sorrows and my joys.
I won't go into detail again here, but I visited my Inner Resource and felt great joy at knowing my departed pets and parents could visit me there.
At a certain point in my deep state, after visiting my Inner Resource, and doing the breathing exercises and the body awareness exercises, I realized that my daily world had disappeared. I wasn't "carrying" Gregory around, or the activities and noise which usually ride with me on a day to day basis. The room around me was gone and Corinne's voice, while there and guiding me, was gone as well.
When we got to the feelings/emotions exercise in which one picks an emotion to focus on and then changes the focus to the opposite of that emotion, I experienced a presence in the room. Lying on my back I would say it hovered over my left shoulder.
In focusing on the presence, it became a woman whose face I could clearly see, with her bright shining eyes, her glowing golden hair, in fact everything about her glowing golden with a lightness of being. She was so full of love and contentment and embracing.
My mind (meditative subconscious not alert active) identified her as an "Angel." I realized that the emotion she carried was Joy.
As I shifted my focus to the opposite emotion, her opposite, I experienced the presence of a man over my right shoulder. He was also an "Angel" but he was Sorrow. He was shadowy, incomplete, blurry, heavy, sad.
With these awarenesses, I connected their presence to my heartfelt desire of being more centered. Here I was lying on my mat, joy on my left, sorrow on my right, me in the center.
Next, Corinne had us focus on our Inner Strength and to acknowledge it. This was very difficult for me to do. I actually said to myself, "No, I cannot do this." I am aware that during a practice one might run into some conflict of thought and part of the practice is that one can take it off in whatever direction one needs to. I found it interesting that I could not focus on my Inner Strength. I know that I am strong, I know that my Inner Strength exists, but I could not bring it to the front for a closer look. I could not acknowledge it.
I decided that the conflict had to do with my situation, living being between Joy and Sorrow all of the time. It seemed to me that the way I deal with my inner strength is to just do it, not to contemplate it. I realized that at least for now, Sorrow plays the dominant role over Joy. While sometimes Joy does exist and I can hold onto it without feeling the Sorrow, and while there is a lot of Joy in my life, most of the time Sorrow holds the cards and I just need to go forward and ignore both to survive my days.
Looking forward to Practice #3.
I was able quickly to get to a deep meditative state and reaffirmed my intent of "whatever."
Next, in thinking about my heartfelt desires, which you may remember is a larger, more encompassing view of what I hope for in my life, I "felt" that at least for today, my desire was to be more centered, to be more in control of my ups and downs my sorrows and my joys.
I won't go into detail again here, but I visited my Inner Resource and felt great joy at knowing my departed pets and parents could visit me there.
At a certain point in my deep state, after visiting my Inner Resource, and doing the breathing exercises and the body awareness exercises, I realized that my daily world had disappeared. I wasn't "carrying" Gregory around, or the activities and noise which usually ride with me on a day to day basis. The room around me was gone and Corinne's voice, while there and guiding me, was gone as well.
When we got to the feelings/emotions exercise in which one picks an emotion to focus on and then changes the focus to the opposite of that emotion, I experienced a presence in the room. Lying on my back I would say it hovered over my left shoulder.
In focusing on the presence, it became a woman whose face I could clearly see, with her bright shining eyes, her glowing golden hair, in fact everything about her glowing golden with a lightness of being. She was so full of love and contentment and embracing.
My mind (meditative subconscious not alert active) identified her as an "Angel." I realized that the emotion she carried was Joy.
As I shifted my focus to the opposite emotion, her opposite, I experienced the presence of a man over my right shoulder. He was also an "Angel" but he was Sorrow. He was shadowy, incomplete, blurry, heavy, sad.
With these awarenesses, I connected their presence to my heartfelt desire of being more centered. Here I was lying on my mat, joy on my left, sorrow on my right, me in the center.
Next, Corinne had us focus on our Inner Strength and to acknowledge it. This was very difficult for me to do. I actually said to myself, "No, I cannot do this." I am aware that during a practice one might run into some conflict of thought and part of the practice is that one can take it off in whatever direction one needs to. I found it interesting that I could not focus on my Inner Strength. I know that I am strong, I know that my Inner Strength exists, but I could not bring it to the front for a closer look. I could not acknowledge it.
I decided that the conflict had to do with my situation, living being between Joy and Sorrow all of the time. It seemed to me that the way I deal with my inner strength is to just do it, not to contemplate it. I realized that at least for now, Sorrow plays the dominant role over Joy. While sometimes Joy does exist and I can hold onto it without feeling the Sorrow, and while there is a lot of Joy in my life, most of the time Sorrow holds the cards and I just need to go forward and ignore both to survive my days.
Looking forward to Practice #3.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Call It Progress
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to put his Medic Alert necklace on his neck and tuck it under his shirt because he doesn't know how to do it.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to monitor his electric shaver because after only one day of new $40.00 blades he nicked and ruined them.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to make sure his bed side drawer is closed at bedtime because he forgets to close it and the cats like to play with his stuff.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have help him zip up his coat because he doesn't know how to do it.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to butter his toast because he doesn't know how to do it and tries dipping it into the butter tub.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to select his clothes for him each morning because he not able to do it for himself.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to put his chocolates out each night because he cannot figure out how to do it.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to put his hat and gloves in his coat pocket when we arrive at a destination because he doesn't know how to do it.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to fasten his seat belt in the car because he doesn't know how to do it.
I GUESS YOU COULD CALL IT PROGRESS THAT HE KNOWS HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT OR THAT "SOMETHING IS WRONG."
At least I am beginning to know more consistently how to help him.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to monitor his electric shaver because after only one day of new $40.00 blades he nicked and ruined them.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to make sure his bed side drawer is closed at bedtime because he forgets to close it and the cats like to play with his stuff.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have help him zip up his coat because he doesn't know how to do it.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to butter his toast because he doesn't know how to do it and tries dipping it into the butter tub.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to select his clothes for him each morning because he not able to do it for himself.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to put his chocolates out each night because he cannot figure out how to do it.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to put his hat and gloves in his coat pocket when we arrive at a destination because he doesn't know how to do it.
I guess you could call it progress that now I have to fasten his seat belt in the car because he doesn't know how to do it.
I GUESS YOU COULD CALL IT PROGRESS THAT HE KNOWS HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DO IT OR THAT "SOMETHING IS WRONG."
At least I am beginning to know more consistently how to help him.
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Update
Gregory continues to fail.
I continue to compensate.
He is happy, healthy, content.
I am coping.
So I guess I would have to say we are doing well.
I continue to compensate.
He is happy, healthy, content.
I am coping.
So I guess I would have to say we are doing well.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Conditioning
This excerpt is from "Skinny Thinking" a yogic approach to loosing weight. I have paraphrased it here to apply to my own conditioning with regards to living with and loving someone with Alzheimer's. I have also included the original below. Both are great lessons.
• • • • •
Today, make a point to notice when conditioning has been triggered and see if you can sidestep your emotional response. If you are able to do this, miracles can happen! You catch an emotion before it's been created!
When you are criticizing yourself, it's your ego, your conditioning talking--not who you are. Although there may be a sliver of truth in what you're thinking (this is what hooks you), because you are speaking from conditioning, you know that your words can't contain the whole truth. When you criticize, judge, attack, or blame, in that moment, you believe your conditioning. The best relationship you can have to yourself is one of compassion for your own suffering.
Being able to respond with compassion when you are attacking yourself only requires being able to see the truth--that your behavior doesn't reflect who you really are, which is pure love, or Essence. It's just your conditioning talking. If you can be present enough to automatically recognize conditioning when angry with yourself, you won't have time to take it personally.
In other words, if your first reaction is to recognize the conditioning, instead of taking it personally, then there will be no upset. But, if you take it personally and feel upset, then it can be hard to regroup and get back to the truth.
If you can train yourself to see conditioning, to instantly notice when negativity is present and label it, "That's conditioning showing up," then your noticing will pre-empt our automatic response of taking it personally.
Your first reaction will be to see the truth before any negative belief has a chance to arise and precipitate messy negative emotions.
http://www.facebook.com/SkinnyThinking
When people are criticizing us, it's just their ego, their conditioning talking--not who they are. Although there may be a sliver of truth in what they're saying (this is what hooks us), because they're speaking from conditioning, we know that their words can't contain the whole truth. When people criticize, judge, attack, or blame, in that moment, they believe their conditioning and they're suffering. The best relationship we can have to them is one of compassion for their suffering.
Being able to respond with compassion when people are attacking us only requires being able to see the truth--that their behavior doesn't reflect who they really are, which is pure love, or Essence. It's just their conditioning talking. If we can be present enough to automatically recognize conditioning when anger is coming at us, we won't have time to take it personally.
In other words, if our first reaction is to recognize the conditioning, instead of taking it personally, then there will be no upset. But, if we take it personally and feel upset, then it can be hard to regroup and get back to the truth. If we can train ourselves to see conditioning, to instantly notice when negativity is present and label it, "That's conditioning showing up," then our noticing will pre-empt our automatic response of taking it personally. Our first reaction will be to see the truth before any negative belief has a chance to arise and precipitate messy negative emotions.
Whether conditioning is coming at us from the inside or the outside, we can approach it the same way. If we notice it right away, label it as conditioning and don't buy into it, we can sidestep both the emotion and our emotional eating response altogether.
Thursday, February 28, 2013
Meditation: Round 2: Practice 1
I have begun the next round of seven sessions of Yoga Nidra Mindful Meditation with Corinne Peterson.
http://www.corinnepeterson.com/yoga-therapy/
It felt good to be back for the practice in what Corinne calls the "need to recharge." The session concentrated on the first 5 levels of the yoga practice (as pictured below) and lightly touched on the others.
My intention for the session was just to get back into the practice but also the word PEACE cropped up again.
My heartfelt desire is to be able to find a place where I can get away from yesterday, today, and tomorrow. To get away from myself, my responsibilities, my worries, my concerns. The ability to be in the NOW is so important and I want to be able to do that more often. The need to be at peace with myself and my life is so strong.
For at least one hour a week in Yoga Nidra, I can do just that, work on being able to do it more often on my own, and as a bonus periodically get in touch with thoughts that I am not otherwise able hear because of all the noise in my head.
I revisited my Inner Resource, the place I have created in my mind where I feel secure, to which I can return at any time during the yoga practice or in my life when feeling over stressed, overwhelmed, or just in need of some peace and quiet.
I previously started out describing my Inner Resource as deep in a mature forest, with a clearing with dappled sunlight and flowers.
Then I added, just across a path, my tiny one room house just big enough for me to live, in my mind, comfortably and simply knowing how much is enough.
Next I added a rustic bench to the garden so I could sit and meditate and enjoy the flowers, the sunlight, and perhaps the mist dripping of the leaves during a rainstorm.
Later I added, about a block away at the edge of the forest, the ocean with waves that can be heard through the house's windows or while sitting in the garden.
Corinne suggested we give our internal resource a name so we can use it as a trigger to the inner peace and safety one feels there. I simply called it, "Peace."
This time while visiting my Inner Resource I added a few more things. First I decided that my RIP cats Mariah and Hoover and Broadway live there. When I visit I know they are asleep under the bed, or playing out in the forest, or whatever I want to imagine them doing.
Then I realized that my mother, the anniversary of her death coming up in less than a month, was there in the house with me. I decided that my "safe place" could also be a place where I could invite in and visit with family and friends who have died but whom I still hold in my heart.
It may feel a little strange to you, my looking forward to talking with the dead, but it makes me feel warm, and loved and will give me the ability to talk about things that I never had the chance to say while they were alive.
So I am well on my way to continued adventures with Yoga Nidra. I am also going to do a few sessions with Gregory which Corinne will tailor to his language abilities (if we can figure out where they lie) and see if he can benefit from just being in a quiet place with himself and no outside world expectations. As you can imagine, I will report back.
Finally I had to think about why I was posting my yoga experiences here on the Alzheimer's BLOG instead of my writer's BLOG. I guess Alzheimer's is such a large part of my life, as is Gregory such a large love of my life, that this was the best place for it.
http://www.corinnepeterson.com/yoga-therapy/
It felt good to be back for the practice in what Corinne calls the "need to recharge." The session concentrated on the first 5 levels of the yoga practice (as pictured below) and lightly touched on the others.
My intention for the session was just to get back into the practice but also the word PEACE cropped up again.
My heartfelt desire is to be able to find a place where I can get away from yesterday, today, and tomorrow. To get away from myself, my responsibilities, my worries, my concerns. The ability to be in the NOW is so important and I want to be able to do that more often. The need to be at peace with myself and my life is so strong.
For at least one hour a week in Yoga Nidra, I can do just that, work on being able to do it more often on my own, and as a bonus periodically get in touch with thoughts that I am not otherwise able hear because of all the noise in my head.
I revisited my Inner Resource, the place I have created in my mind where I feel secure, to which I can return at any time during the yoga practice or in my life when feeling over stressed, overwhelmed, or just in need of some peace and quiet.
I previously started out describing my Inner Resource as deep in a mature forest, with a clearing with dappled sunlight and flowers.
Then I added, just across a path, my tiny one room house just big enough for me to live, in my mind, comfortably and simply knowing how much is enough.
Next I added a rustic bench to the garden so I could sit and meditate and enjoy the flowers, the sunlight, and perhaps the mist dripping of the leaves during a rainstorm.
Later I added, about a block away at the edge of the forest, the ocean with waves that can be heard through the house's windows or while sitting in the garden.
Corinne suggested we give our internal resource a name so we can use it as a trigger to the inner peace and safety one feels there. I simply called it, "Peace."
This time while visiting my Inner Resource I added a few more things. First I decided that my RIP cats Mariah and Hoover and Broadway live there. When I visit I know they are asleep under the bed, or playing out in the forest, or whatever I want to imagine them doing.
Then I realized that my mother, the anniversary of her death coming up in less than a month, was there in the house with me. I decided that my "safe place" could also be a place where I could invite in and visit with family and friends who have died but whom I still hold in my heart.
It may feel a little strange to you, my looking forward to talking with the dead, but it makes me feel warm, and loved and will give me the ability to talk about things that I never had the chance to say while they were alive.
So I am well on my way to continued adventures with Yoga Nidra. I am also going to do a few sessions with Gregory which Corinne will tailor to his language abilities (if we can figure out where they lie) and see if he can benefit from just being in a quiet place with himself and no outside world expectations. As you can imagine, I will report back.
Finally I had to think about why I was posting my yoga experiences here on the Alzheimer's BLOG instead of my writer's BLOG. I guess Alzheimer's is such a large part of my life, as is Gregory such a large love of my life, that this was the best place for it.
Companion Report # 2 by B.P.
I started working with Greg about nine months ago. Since our companionship's beginning, I have thoroughly enjoyed my time with Greg. We share similar dispositions and temperaments and a common taste in music and film. Perhaps greatest of all, we share an ability to sit quietly in one another's company, each of us occupied separately. Many others would find this uncomfortable or awkward, but I think we both find it one of the more enjoyable ways to share another's company. When I began visiting Greg, he seemed fairly stable, at a plateau in his degeneration. However, in nine months there have been deteriorations both significant and insignificant.
More often than not, I work with Greg during the middle part of the day, beginning in the later morning and leaving around the middle afternoon or early evening. For several months, Greg would often make himself a salad for lunch, and I would assemble a sandwich for myself. I would occasionally have to help him in some small capacity: he might need help finding the forks or removing and reinserting the vegetable crisper/drawer from the refrigerator (cumbersome for anybody). It's been months since I've seen Greg make himself salad. Nowadays, he is content for me to make him an open-faced sandwich (very very simple fare). It's worth noting that his salads often included some small part of decoration. It was never anything elaborate, but slices of cheese or rolled up sandwich meat were placed with a certain amount of care and consideration. The "meals" I create contain no such consideration. But he seems satisfied. He still retains his ability to use a cutting knife, though I keep a close eye at all times.
Greg loves to take a walk when I visit. This shared activity forms the core of my time with Greg. It is difficult to judge any significant changes in his directional abilities as we take the same basic route as my very first day with him. While he is tired by the end of these walks, he always seems happy for having gone out, despite the elements. In all honesty, he seems a little more lucid after our walks. I still wonder if this has anything to do with his great affinity for water and our route's proximity to the lake.
On the note of water, another of Greg's preferred activities is swimming. We haven't gone swimming in a month or so, owing to the pool's closure while the heating is fixed. When we have swum, there has been a very similar effect to walking. Greg seemed far happier and again, a little more lucid after a good swim. He usually needed no real help showering, though I would have to start the shower and get out his soap. Once, he forgot to wash the soap out of his hair, but otherwise this process went without hiccups. When we were in the locker room, I would often have to help Greg change. Usually this simply involved pointed directions and occasionally me either offering him some article of clothing or gently tugging on the said clothing. He has thoroughly enjoyed our swims and has brought up his dismay at not being able to swim on multiple occasions.
When we are in the apartment after our walk or swim, my direct involvement in helping Greg with things is minimal. I might have to help him with his belt or tucking in his shirt on occasion, but that's about it. Every now and then, we'll watch a movie. This is throughly enjoyable for the both of us and involves little effort on either of our parts. Greg thoroughly enjoys simply sitting around listening to music or reading his newspaper while I work on whatever homework or projects I might have.
The most noticeable of Greg's deteriorations have manifested in his linguistic capabilities. He can still read. I can tell as much because he can select something from his menu when we go out to his favorite diner. Often though, Greg might forget what he chose, and I always have to help specify what sides he'll have and how he'd like his eggs. I have no way of telling how much he picks up from his daily newspaper as he never talks about it and can't really communicate anything when asked. What is most apparent is his steady decrease in speech and conversation. I remember the very first day that we spent together, Greg pointed out a building during our walk: "See it's French." I asked how he could tell, and he replied by pointing out the "rounds" on the windows. He has never since displayed such lucidity and clarity in perception and communication. A month or two later, when we were driving back from Wisconsin, he pointed out a building that I liked, and I asked what he liked about it. Greg could barely get his point across, and in the end mentioned something about the upper floor and that was that.
When Greg has a problem or needs help, I have to work a bit to figure out what exactly is wrong. Usually this means me being patient and offering a guess or two. I try not to guess, but it's difficult not to. When I do guess, the helpfulness seems arbitrarily dependent on the word choice. If he recognizes the word in question, Greg's eyes will light up and the problem is quickly confirmed. If not, we'll go several more rounds.
One final note: Greg's muscle memory still seems to be quite intact. He's still remarkably adept at opening the door which actively involves remembering what key to use and how to orient it to the door. Just like anything else, this is affected by his good days and bad days, but the process seems more resilient. Once he gets the key into the lock, you can almost see the engram click into place, and his hand turns in an easy practiced motion.
Many of Greg's abilities have declined, there has been significant and noticeable deterioration since our relationship began. I would not characterize it as severe. He retains many of his physical abilities. Given enough time and a relaxed situation Greg can usually figure things out. He is still relatively young to be diagnosed with Alzheimer's , and quite young to have had it for ten years now. But I have to say that in comparison, a great many things could be much worse. In all honesty, I would largely attribute this to his acceptance of the disease. My grandmother was also diagnosed with Alzheimer's and our family always had to be exceptionally careful about how her diagnosis was discussed. She was severely embarrassed about her illness and hated for it to be talked about. Greg is not so embarrassed. True, he does not often bring it up, and he is never happy about it, but there is a far greater acceptance of the situation. This makes many things easier: helping him with his coat/scarf/gloves/etc, gently telling him where to sit or what to do. In essence, when I first started working with Greg it seemed almost too good to be true: an easy job with someone whose company I enjoyed that paid well. Steadily though, it has become more apparent why I get paid to do this.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Detached Assistance
My horoscope below hits home and reminds me that I am Gregory's caregiver partner because of our love for each other: 1) Not because I need his admiration (or that of others ... but a thank you now and then and recognition by others of the task on my shoulders is nice,) 2) Not because I need to be needed (although it does make me feel useful and gives me purpose,) 3) Not because I need to nourish my sense of self (although I do need to remind myself now and then that I am doing a good job.)
By helping Gregory, I get a sense of joy and know that he feels more comfortable and safe in his life. I act from my heart as we live each day, am guided by the spirt within, and have pure intentions. Now if I only could separate the EMOTIONAL from the INTELLECTUAL and shorten the reaction time of putting the emotions to rest while behaving in a gentle, respectful, loving way removed from anger, fear, and frustration.
February 25, 2013
Detached Assistance
Aries Daily Horoscope
By helping Gregory, I get a sense of joy and know that he feels more comfortable and safe in his life. I act from my heart as we live each day, am guided by the spirt within, and have pure intentions. Now if I only could separate the EMOTIONAL from the INTELLECTUAL and shorten the reaction time of putting the emotions to rest while behaving in a gentle, respectful, loving way removed from anger, fear, and frustration.
February 25, 2013
Detached Assistance
Aries Daily Horoscope
Assisting others who require your help could make the things you do seem valuable today. It might be that your sense of self-worth is linked directly to the perception of others, particularly as it pertains to the things you do for them. While doing things for others can be positive, you might want to practice separating your feelings of self from the things you do. Should you receive thanks or praise from someone related to something you have completed today, you can take a deep breath and remind yourself that you are the same person you were before receiving the admiration of others. Keeping this in mind could help you detach from needing the approval of the people around you to nourish your sense of self and might make it easier to support others with honest intentions instead of hidden motives of self-gratification.
Learning to help others simply for the joy it brings makes our assistance pure and earnest. Needing to be needed can be a large part of our desire to help people for it makes us feel that without us someone else would have a difficult time getting by in life, which in turn bolsters our confidence in ourselves. When we act from our hearts and with the guidance of our spirits, however, we require nothing in return, since we are accessing the beauty of our souls and using that purity to help, which makes our assistance much more worthwhile. By helping without expecting anything today, you will serve others with the purest of intentions.
Learning to help others simply for the joy it brings makes our assistance pure and earnest. Needing to be needed can be a large part of our desire to help people for it makes us feel that without us someone else would have a difficult time getting by in life, which in turn bolsters our confidence in ourselves. When we act from our hearts and with the guidance of our spirits, however, we require nothing in return, since we are accessing the beauty of our souls and using that purity to help, which makes our assistance much more worthwhile. By helping without expecting anything today, you will serve others with the purest of intentions.
Taken from: www.dailyom.com
Saturday, February 23, 2013
We've Named Him: Mr. Stone
On a happier note, earlier this evening Gregory passed his 3mm Kidney Stone and did so without any pain. We were both pleased and surprised to see this black mini-meteor fall into the strainer with a "clink." We were both relieved.
The Truth of It
It is difficult for me to talk about all the things that Gregory and I go through. I had to think about what I wanted to say about tonight's experiences, felt a little embarrassed to be talking about them, but decided that in the hopes of sharing everything about our Journey with Alzheimer's I should not hold back.
Gregory forgot to wipe after his bowel movement earlier this evening so his underpants were a mess as was his behind. I started cleaning him up but decided to put him in the shower instead.
He fumbled with turning on the shower so I took over. Once he was in the shower, I pretended to use the toilet, so I could watch to see how much he remembered about taking a shower.
He shampooed his hair and then tried to use the rest of the shampoo on his hands to wash his arm pits, genitals, and behind.
He did not rinse his hair as he continued and got shampoo in his eyes. I told him to rinse. He did.
I asked him to put more soap on his hands to wash but he couldn't remember how to get the soap out of the pump dispenser.
Finally I took off my sleep clothes, got into the shower with him, and took over washing his "privates." I got out to dry myself while he rinsed.
He did not know how to turn of shower but instead turned it to the hottest setting. I intervened.
I gave him his nightly ration of chocolate and began my stretching exercises. I realized why I was angry at him, why I needed to tell him "at this rate diapers are next." Why I had to put into words the things he could not successfully do this evening. Why I had to be abrupt in my helping instead of kind and gentle.
The reasons, I realized, are that I do not want him to have to live like this. I do not want to live like this. I do not want to accept that he will continue to get worse. I do not want to believe that I cannot make it all right, that I cannot make it all better. I do not want to think about not being able to guess what to do next or what he needs at any given moment.
I don't want any of this, but have no choice. I love this man, or at least who this man was once upon a time. I fear what this man will become. And who I will become.
Gregory forgot to wipe after his bowel movement earlier this evening so his underpants were a mess as was his behind. I started cleaning him up but decided to put him in the shower instead.
He fumbled with turning on the shower so I took over. Once he was in the shower, I pretended to use the toilet, so I could watch to see how much he remembered about taking a shower.
He shampooed his hair and then tried to use the rest of the shampoo on his hands to wash his arm pits, genitals, and behind.
He did not rinse his hair as he continued and got shampoo in his eyes. I told him to rinse. He did.
I asked him to put more soap on his hands to wash but he couldn't remember how to get the soap out of the pump dispenser.
Finally I took off my sleep clothes, got into the shower with him, and took over washing his "privates." I got out to dry myself while he rinsed.
He did not know how to turn of shower but instead turned it to the hottest setting. I intervened.
I gave him his nightly ration of chocolate and began my stretching exercises. I realized why I was angry at him, why I needed to tell him "at this rate diapers are next." Why I had to put into words the things he could not successfully do this evening. Why I had to be abrupt in my helping instead of kind and gentle.
The reasons, I realized, are that I do not want him to have to live like this. I do not want to live like this. I do not want to accept that he will continue to get worse. I do not want to believe that I cannot make it all right, that I cannot make it all better. I do not want to think about not being able to guess what to do next or what he needs at any given moment.
I don't want any of this, but have no choice. I love this man, or at least who this man was once upon a time. I fear what this man will become. And who I will become.
Friday, February 22, 2013
As Alzheimer's rate soars, concern rises over costs
New reports that the number of Alzheimer's cases in the USA will likely triple to 13.8 million by 2050 are raising concerns about the nation's ability to afford care.
Care for patients with Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia will increase 500% by 2050, reaching $1.1 trillion, according to the Alzheimer's Association. This is in 2012 dollars. About 70% of costs for Alzheimer's care are billed to Medicare and Medicaid.
Patients with Alzheimer's and other forms of dementia will spend three times more on health care than patients with other types of illnesses, the association says. Medicare patients with Alzheimer's and other dementias spent $43,847 on health care and long-term care services, compared to $13,879 spent by patients without those illnesses, the association said in a 2012 report.
For government health care programs already facing economic strain, these estimates are daunting, researchers and advocates say.
"If you think you're going to solve our fiscal entitlement process without addressing one of the underlying causes (Alzheimer's costs) you're not getting to the heart of the problem,'' says Robert Egge, vice president of public affairs for the Alzheimer's Association.
Alzheimer's is an incurable, degenerative brain-wasting disease that robs a person of memory, eventually erasing personality and making even routine tasks such as dressing and bathing impossible. They also spend more time hospitalized than people without these illnesses.
"The bottom line is when you have a chronic condition and you add dementia, you have higher costs,'' says Julie Bynum, a physician and associate director of the Center for Health Policy at Dartmouth in Hanover, N.H., who gathered data for the Alzheimer's Association report.
"They can't self-manage their medications or monitor their diets and watch out for things like how much salt or sugar they're eating. If they also have diabetes or hypertension, two other conditions common in the older population, they need others to take care of them," she says.
A federally-funded report published last week in the medical journalNeurology said the number of people with Alzheimer's is expected to rise from 5 million to 13.8 million by 2050.
Many costs associated with Alzheimer's care are not reimbursed. Out-of-pocket costs for a family with a loved one who has dementia were $8,216 compared to $2,500 for patients with other types of conditions, according to a report last week in the journalAlzheimer's & Dementia.
Amy Steele, 34, of Oklahoma City had to quit her job and cash in her 401(k) in 2010 to help care for her mother, who is 60 and has early Alzheimer's. She recently moved her mother, who is divorced, from Dallas to an assisted-living facility near Oklahoma City. She also has been helping younger siblings with college expenses since her mother is no longer able to do so.
"I'm not going to be able to start saving again for a while,'' Steele says. "When my mother requires a higher level of care, I'll need to help supplement that and also help with her medical expenses. It's been really hard."
The research dollars for Alzheimer's are in their "infancy,'' says Jennifer Weuve, an assistant professor of medicine at Rush Institute for Healthy Living in Chicago.
The government last year set a goal of developing preventive treatment for Alzheimer's by 2025 and increased research funding through the National Institutes of Health to $606 million last year, exceeding $500 million for the first time. But it still lags behind funding for other diseases: $6 billion is spent on cancer research, $3 billion on research for HIV/AIDS.
"From polio to cancer and from heart disease to HIV/AIDS, we see that a commitment to research investment and targeted innovation on high-cost diseases is a proven deficit reduction strategy,'' says George Vradenburg, chairman of USAgainstAlzheimers, an advocacy group.
President Obama in his State of the Union Address on Tuesday highlighted the importance of Alzheimer's research, and asked Congress not to cut funding. "Our scientists are mapping the human brain to unlock the answers to Alzheimer's," he said.
Several trials are getting underway that would use drugs to prevent the disease from occurring in people who are genetically predisposed to early-onset Alzheimer's. One high-profile name with the condition is University of Tennessee Hall of Fame basketball coach Pat Summitt, who stepped down from her job after disclosing her diagnosis in 2011.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
The Tragic Gap
I thought of you this am when I read the following:
To live in this world, we must learn how to stand in the tragic gap with faith and hope. By the "tragic gap" I mean the gap between what is and what could and should, the gap between the reality of a given situation and an alternative reality we know to be possible because we have experienced it.
....Parker J. Palmer, Weavings, March/April 2009.
Boy, if that isn't a description of living with Alzheimer's I don't know what is.
Love and hugs to both of you,
B
A Visit to the Emergency Room
Gregory is OK but last night we were in the Emergency Room from 7:00pm until 4:00am. He was diagnosed with Kidney Stones and hopefully they will pass on their own in the next few days.
The difficulty was his lack of language and/or associations to be able to explain what he was feeling and where. He was in a lot of pain and through he was going to die.
Also he became delirious which added to his fears (and mine.) This is the second time Delirium hit so now that I understand it, I was prepared and not as frightened. When it happens he looses all the abilities and awareness that he still has. He becomes totally irrational. For more information on Delirium click here: Delirium: MedlinePlus Medical Encyclopedia
With the help of a neighbor we got him to the car and I drove him to the hospital. I didn't want to use an ambulance with sirens screaming etc, to add to his confusion.
Once the pain subsided he did better and the ER experience, while with supportive staff, was just boring and long. On a kind note, the hospital keeps feel for family while they are waiting. I had a turkey & cheese on whole wheat sandwich, cranberry juice, and a package of Lorna Dune cookies.
We slept in this morning and he is much more aware and feeling fine, just a little "beat up."
I'm keeping an eye on his urine, we have Vicodin in case he is in pain again as the stone moves out.
So all is well, but wanted you to know,
Love ya,
Michael
P.S. I couldn't help but think about my sister, brother-in-law, nieces, and nephews who spent many a rushed visit to ER with mom.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
The Difference Between Old Age and Alzhiemer's
There has been an old joke around: Do you know the difference between Old Age and Alzheimer's? People who are older forget where they put their glasses. People with Alzheimer's forget they wear glasses.
Not funny but to the point. Recently Gregory has been demonstrating the joke. At bedtime, he gets into bed to read and is confused because the words in the book are not clear. "Put on your glasses," I say automatically.
Other times he is in bed ready to read, puts on his reading glasses, looks around the room and says, "Why is the room so blurry?"
Not funny but to the point. Recently Gregory has been demonstrating the joke. At bedtime, he gets into bed to read and is confused because the words in the book are not clear. "Put on your glasses," I say automatically.
Other times he is in bed ready to read, puts on his reading glasses, looks around the room and says, "Why is the room so blurry?"
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Some Mornings
Some mornings he wakes up and nothing seems to work.
This morning he ran into problems with shaving. Shaver in hand, he called me into the bathroom trying to tell me something, but never was able to get to it. He pointed at the shaver, and then the mirror and said, "There is a little something."
That is as far as we got after his attempting to communicate several times. I waited patiently, guessed at a few things, and finally told him just to shave, which he did.
A little while later he called me again with the "light bulb" having gone on again, he struggled to tell me what he had realized, and failed again ... another dark communication. We have been up for 30 minutes.
He did OK beginning his shower, I was in the bedroom when I heard him shouting "Help! Help!" I came running to find that he was finished showering and had begun to turn the water off but only did so half way and was standing in the cold stream of water still coming out of the shower head.
I turned the water hot again so he could warm up and then we turned it off together. Actually he did so by himself without any help, just my standing there which made it a little more frustrating and confusing.
Next he struggled to put on his sweatshirt, arm through the head hole and out the sleeve. He kept mumbling, "No that's not right" and continued trying to figure out how to put it on. He sat down on the bed for a while seemingly trying to regroup. I held back and he finally did figure out how to put the shirt on.
We have been up for an hour.
While he was reading the newspaper, I set out the cutting board with his bread and honey and announced, "Your bead and honey are ready." He thanked me and came over to begin preparing his first of the morning food. I returned to the bedroom.
Some five or ten minutes later I went out to see how he was doing. He was standing by the toaster, looking back at the cutting board, and back and forth again and again.
He was unable to connect the toast needing to go into the toaster and the button needing to be pressed. We worked through the process together.
When the toaster was finished and his toast popped up, he asked, "Does that turn it off?"
I am grateful that he sought my help, that he was able to begin shaving and then to finish, that he was able to take a dump without my help, that he was able to shower for the most part, that he was finally able to figure out how to get dressed, that he kissed my head as he left the bedroom and said, "I love you," that he was able to read the newspaper, that he was able to eat his toast after putting on the honey, and that he was able to go back to his newspaper.
I am grateful that I was able to keep my patience, not jump in to help too quickly, that I didn't get emotionally involved, that I was able to move from one difficulty to the next without anger, and that he kissed me on the head and said, "I love you."
I am frightened that we are getting closer to my having to more closely supervise his shaving and showering, physically helping him get dressed, and not only making his breakfast but also toasting his first up before breakfast snack because when confused verbal instructions do not work.
We have been up for two hours.
This morning he ran into problems with shaving. Shaver in hand, he called me into the bathroom trying to tell me something, but never was able to get to it. He pointed at the shaver, and then the mirror and said, "There is a little something."
That is as far as we got after his attempting to communicate several times. I waited patiently, guessed at a few things, and finally told him just to shave, which he did.
A little while later he called me again with the "light bulb" having gone on again, he struggled to tell me what he had realized, and failed again ... another dark communication. We have been up for 30 minutes.
He did OK beginning his shower, I was in the bedroom when I heard him shouting "Help! Help!" I came running to find that he was finished showering and had begun to turn the water off but only did so half way and was standing in the cold stream of water still coming out of the shower head.
I turned the water hot again so he could warm up and then we turned it off together. Actually he did so by himself without any help, just my standing there which made it a little more frustrating and confusing.
Next he struggled to put on his sweatshirt, arm through the head hole and out the sleeve. He kept mumbling, "No that's not right" and continued trying to figure out how to put it on. He sat down on the bed for a while seemingly trying to regroup. I held back and he finally did figure out how to put the shirt on.
We have been up for an hour.
While he was reading the newspaper, I set out the cutting board with his bread and honey and announced, "Your bead and honey are ready." He thanked me and came over to begin preparing his first of the morning food. I returned to the bedroom.
Some five or ten minutes later I went out to see how he was doing. He was standing by the toaster, looking back at the cutting board, and back and forth again and again.
He was unable to connect the toast needing to go into the toaster and the button needing to be pressed. We worked through the process together.
When the toaster was finished and his toast popped up, he asked, "Does that turn it off?"
I am grateful that he sought my help, that he was able to begin shaving and then to finish, that he was able to take a dump without my help, that he was able to shower for the most part, that he was finally able to figure out how to get dressed, that he kissed my head as he left the bedroom and said, "I love you," that he was able to read the newspaper, that he was able to eat his toast after putting on the honey, and that he was able to go back to his newspaper.
I am grateful that I was able to keep my patience, not jump in to help too quickly, that I didn't get emotionally involved, that I was able to move from one difficulty to the next without anger, and that he kissed me on the head and said, "I love you."
I am frightened that we are getting closer to my having to more closely supervise his shaving and showering, physically helping him get dressed, and not only making his breakfast but also toasting his first up before breakfast snack because when confused verbal instructions do not work.
We have been up for two hours.
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