The Truth of It

It is difficult for me to talk about all the things that Gregory and I go through. I had to think about what I wanted to say about tonight's experiences, felt a little embarrassed to be talking about them, but decided that in the hopes of sharing everything about our Journey with Alzheimer's I should not hold back.

Gregory forgot to wipe after his bowel movement earlier this evening so his underpants were a mess as was his behind. I started cleaning him up but decided to put him in the shower instead.

He fumbled with turning on the shower so I took over. Once he was in the shower, I pretended to use the toilet, so I could watch to see how much he remembered about taking a shower.

He shampooed his hair and then tried to use the rest of the shampoo on his hands to wash his arm pits, genitals, and behind.

He did not rinse his hair as he continued and got shampoo in his eyes. I told him to rinse. He did.

I asked him to put more soap on his hands to wash but he couldn't remember how to get the soap out of the pump dispenser.

Finally I took off my sleep clothes, got into the shower with him, and took over washing his "privates." I got out to dry myself while he rinsed.

He did not know how to turn of shower but instead turned it to the hottest setting. I intervened.

I gave him his nightly ration of chocolate and began my stretching exercises. I realized why I was angry at him, why I needed to tell him "at this rate diapers are next." Why I had to put into words the things he could not successfully do this evening. Why I had to be abrupt in my helping instead of kind and gentle.

The reasons, I realized, are that I do not want him to have to live  like this. I do not want to live like this. I do not want to accept that he will continue to get worse. I do not want to believe that I cannot make it all right, that I cannot make it all better. I do not want to think about not being able to guess what to do next or what he needs at any given moment.

I don't want any of this, but have no choice. I love this man, or at least who this man was once upon a time. I fear what this man will become. And who I will become.