Horoscopes and Breakdowns

June 17, 2013

1. 
   

Aries (3/21-4/19)

No one -- not even you -- can be selfless and generous all the time! It's okay to mix a few selfish acts in with your good deeds today. Don't do anything too egomaniacal -- just put yourself first a few times when you usually wouldn't. This isn't an excuse to forget your manners -- you should still hold the door for old ladies, and say 'please' and 'thank you' -- but it is a reminder that you need to treat yourself like the star you are a little bit more often.

• • • • •

While it is hard to say this horoscope is meant for me alone (how many people in the world were born between March 21 and April 19?) it does apply.

Last night I cried myself to sleep wondering how I look to the rest of the world. Strong? Together? Even? Supportive? Loving? Giving? While recognizing those adjectives as part of who I am, I was not feeling them. I was sad, lonely, and feeling devastated as I walk along with Gregory and his Alzheimer's - every morning, every day, every night.

I don’t expect you to comprehend this life we’ve been forced to lead; however, I do expect and need your understanding. I want to be treated as normally as possible with the knowledge that my life has been turned upside down. The love of my life is dying before my very eyes. Each day he dies a little more. I’m in a continuous state of grief. It is like having a funeral every day of my life. I try to spare you my pain, but it’s there. If our lifestyle appears to be the same to you, I’m doing a good job of camouflage. I do what I do for Gregory, for myself, and for you.  

Michael Horvich (2006)

No one really to turn to in the hopes of making "it" go away. The Alzheimer's? The feelings? The tears? Last night, I just needed to cry, to howl. I needed someone with whom could cry but not someone who would try to comfort me for there is no comforting in dealing with this INSIDIOUS disease.

In some ways, even with loving family and friends, there is no one there for me since the only one who truly matters is Gregory, my life and soul mate of 35+ years, and he is less and less available. To himself? To me?

He seems content, happy, loved. He bumbles along day to day in a good mood, laughing at his inabilities. When I am at my grumpiest, he forgives me or lets me know that my role on the path is a difficult one. He appreciates me, he loves me.

So last night through my tears I heard a voice in my head say, "Tomorrow you die." No not death, but another part of my life gone as I re-evaluate Gregory's needs and try to accommodate them. Accommodate them not in what I consider my recently, once again gruff, impatient, angry way but only with patience and love.

Instead of treating him like an invalid, which I have been avoiding although sometimes without the use of language that is all that is left, I will be there to assist him for what might be or feel like 24/7. 

For example when I tell him at bedtime that it is time to brush his teeth, I usually go about the own business of closing up the house and getting the cats and myself ready for bed. Now I will wait to help him find his toothbrush (if he can't this time) and put the toothpaste on the toothbrush (if he can't this time) and run just a little water on the toothbrush to wet it (if he can't this time) and then make sure he knows how to get it into his mouth to begin brushing (if he can't this time) and when he is completely, and successfully brushing his teeth, I'll look back to my own needs.

And so tomorrow I die.

This process is the same for almost every life skill that Gregory attempts. Recently, at bedtime, he had on his shorts but not T-shirt (which I always put in the bathroom and announce, "Your night clothes are in the bathroom.") Having come into the bedroom without his T-shirt, he no longer knew where it was or even that he needed the shirt ... just that something is wrong. 

Another time, when he was getting his night shorts and shirt on, I come back into the room to find him with his feet through the arm holes of his T-shirt trying to pull the body of the shirt up around his bottom.

After my having taken the time to get his "stuff" and putting it in the bathroom for him and letting him know where the "stuff" is, you can see why I get a little frustrated (angry?) that even with all my help, it isn't working! And not only the anger but also the fear and worry about what the future will bring (although I try so hard not to worry about the future since I really cannot control it.) "Don't worry about those things you can control and don't worry about those things you cannot!" A Buddhist saying.

Having to do EVERYTHING for us, you can see how easily it is to fall into the frustrated, angry, gruff, impatient, fearful mode. 

With Ken, Gregory's companion living with us since April, my life has been a bit easier. But Ken will be leaving at the end of June to go back to Japan and then return to Vanderbilt University to begin his Master's Degree. So last night, I was also grieving not only Gregory but also our loss when we send Ken on his way. We have come to love that man with his gentle, loving, respectful, helpful ways!

So tomorrow I die but know that somehow I will survive. In last night's grief then, I realized that the next step has to be follow through, follow through, follow through. Not on Gregory's part because he is no longer able, but on mine. 

When I hand him his vitamins and medications I will wait there until he knows how to begin taking them. When I tell him to "fill your pockets" with wallet, keys etc, I will wait there until he begins doing so (and I will double check after while that he got everything he needed.) I will no longer ask him to wait in the car when I have to run into the drug store for a quick purchase, I will have him come with me. Recently he got out of the car and came into the store looking for me.

These activities and follow throughs will be difficult for me and I will have to learn how to attend with patience and love but they are a necessary next step. And like other "next steps" once I have mastered the step, I feel better able to cope, am less angry, less frustrated. 

The additional energy I have to spend in support of Gregory's daily needs is made up for by the less emotional energy I have to spend on anger, frustration, fear, guilt, etc etc etc. So tomorrow I die, but I am also reborn and continue on the path.

• • • • •

From the New York Daily News, January 1, 2013:

1. Year ahead: This is a year of personal transformation, and a time when you will feel compelled to review, reassess and restructure your life on many levels. At some stage you can feel cut off from the support you have become used to having and forced to be more self-sufficient, particularly on a monetary level. The role other people play in your life will be highlighted with you realizing their contribution to your life and you in theirs. Your home life takes on a greater level of importance, and you will desire to settle down on a more permanent basis and have more stability and security in your life. Personal growth: Over this year, your world view will continue to expand with you letting go of prejudices you once had and replace them with a broader more accepting view of yourself as well as those you come in contact with. Romantic month: Jupiter the planet of expansion enters your solar fourth House of home and family on June 26th, and stays there until July 2014, a period where you can make favorable changes in your personal life. Power month: March, a positive change in your career can move forward and a personal situation gains momentum to move to the next phase. Your annual new Moon is April tenth, which is the commencement of your next solar cycle. Angel advice: The structure of your life, as well as your values and beliefs, will be challenged this year. As you question the meaning of life and how purposeful your life is, it is important to be open to change and see any forced or unexpected changes in your life as the universe’s way of steering you back on the path you are destined to walk.
2. Love, family, friendship: With Jupiter shining its beneficial rays on your personal life from midyear, your focus will be on family and your home environment. The full Moon three months beforehand on March 27th, can provide the energy to be the catalyst to jolt a relationship into reality with a purposeful decision being made, even though plans may not eventuate until later in the year around July or August. There is very much an essence of fate around your love life this year, if it is meant to be there is nothing you can do to stop love from capturing your heart. It can sneak up on you and all of a sudden your life can be different from what it has ever been. Setting up home so you have comfortable surroundings for you and your family will also be high priority this year. You will be conscious of developing healthy bonds with family members and adhere to a schedule of regular contact to stay closely connected with those you love. Friends can suddenly leave your life, for no other reason than you are travelling on different journeys as you seek where you fit within the big picture of life. The first half of the year can present situations you feel impatient about. The second half sees you more relaxed and satisfied as you have a vision of where your life is heading, and although there are compromises to make, you will feel what you give is well worth what you receive in return.
3. Career, money, purpose: It is no longer an option for you to go through the paces at work. Over this very important phase with transformational planet Pluto in your solar tenth House of work and purpose right through to the end of 2024, you will strive to make a positive and substantial contribution to the world through your career and business dealings. You now need your career to be more meaningful and to achieve this, some of you will change your career, and others will put more focus on aligning your work with your overall goal of excelling at what you do. Your ambition will be heightened over this period; however, be careful you aren’t too impulsive about changing your path, as a rash move can cause setbacks. It is advisable to think through all the pros and cons of a new endeavor to ensure it is what you truly want to do on a long-term basis before you put action to your thoughts. Ethics and the way you morally handle your business also come into play and at all times it will be best to take the high road, regardless of the actions of others. At the end of December 2012 a fortunate transit occurred with your professional life that can provide a financial bonus. The ongoing challenging squares between planet of sudden changes Uranus and power planet Pluto affecting your career life continue through to early 2015, with two direct degree hits this year on May 21st and November first. If you have not made a considerable change to live a life of purpose by November, a fateful event is very likely. Destiny will take matters out of your hands and place you where you should be. This is a transformational year on many levels, which promises to be eventful to say the least.

Greif

FINITE
finite |ˈfīnīt| adjective
1 having limits or bounds:2 Grammar (of a verb form) having a specific tense, number, and person.Contrasted with nonfinite.finitely adverb ,finiteness noun
INFINITEinfinite |ˈinfənit| adjective1 limitless or endless in space, extent, or size; impossible to measure or calculate:2 Grammar another term for nonfinite.noun ( the infinite )a space or quantity that is infinite.infinitely adverb ,infiniteness noun
NON-FINITEnonfinite |nonfinite änˈfīnīt|adjectivenot finite.• Grammar (of a verb form) not limited by tense, person, or number. Contrasted with finite.NON-FINITE GRIEVING, the best (or worst) way of describing the grieving that goes on every day in the life of someone who loves someone with Alzheimer's Disease! Not only is it limitless or endless in space, extent, or size but it is impossible to measure or calculate and in addition is not limited by tense (past, present, or future,) person (not the person he used to be or whom you loved and now have learned to love in a new way,) or number (the number of ways in which this insidious disease presents itself.)

The links on this weekly quote are not working but if you want to know more about Pema Chödrön go to http://pemachodronfoundation.org

Short - To the Point - Subject to Interpretation

Gregory was sitting at his table, bent over, head in hands. "What is the matter?" I asked.

"I am OK. I guess I was just in the hole," he replied.

Spoiler Alert

Do not read this if you are squeamish about a person shitting their pants or if you have never been a mother or a father having had to change your child's diaper or training pants.

Cleaning up a child's messy butt with moist toilettes and rinsing out a filled diaper is not for the weak at heart.

He came down with a bad cough yesterday and maybe that is why. We were both taking a late morning nap and the bedroom smelled like what a full diaper smells like, if you remember.

While I have never been, am not now, and hope never to be a parent; I do remember from my baby sitting days what that smell is like. It is much more than a fart but and much more than a dump in the appropriate location. And it lingers.

It was not a full load, just a fart's amount gone awry but none the less all the information I needed to inquire and inspect the situation was there.

Since he is not good at communicating, and probably didn't even realize what had happened, I am grateful for my sensitive nose. I used to say that I could smell a batch of cookies in the oven when they were just about ready to be taken out. Sorry for the mixed. chocolate chip cookies metaphor.

I was able to attend to doody or is it duty without making him feel bad and with being able to keep my breakfast down.

Enough said. Or have I said too much already?

Compassion

LEARN MORE | BOOKS AND AUDIO | THE PEMA CHÖDRÖN FOUNDATION

June 5, 2013 COMPASSION TAKES COURAGE Just as nurturing our ability to love is a way of awakening bodhichitta, so also is nurturing our ability to feel compassion. Compassion, however, is more emotionally challenging than loving-kindness because it involves the willingness to feel pain. It definitely requires the training of a warrior. When we practice generating compassion, we can expect to experience our fear of pain. Compassion practice is daring. It involves learning to relax and allow ourselves to move gently toward what scares us. The trick to doing this is to stay with emotional distress without tightening into aversion, to let fear soften us rather than harden into resistance.

Speaking First With Anger and Fear Instead of Love

Besides our difficulties getting started this morning (click here if you haven't read my earlier post) Gregory had a few other disconnects today. I parked in the lot of Office Depot and told him to wait in the car and opened the window. I had something waiting for me at the register and knew it would only take a few minutes.

While I was paying, I looked up and saw Gregory waiting for me by the front of the store. He signaled across the registers to let me know he was there. I got upset because he not only didn't stay in the car, but left it open, walked across the parking lot into the store, and waited to find me there. I was terrified that the situation I thought in hand was not under control at all. I was overwhelmed by all of the things that could have happened go him.

Maybe I should have just been grateful that he was there and I saw him waiting but like the parent who spanks her child for playing in the street and almost getting hit by a car instead of hugging him and telling him you are so happy he is safe and well, I got angry and balled him out.

After grocery shopping, we arrived home in the parking garage. There were four heavy shopping bags, two for each of us to take up one flight of stairs to our condo. I took two bags out of the trunk and asked Gregory to get the other two.

He first tried to pick up both by holding one handle from each of the heavy bags. I told him to wait, put my bags down on the ground, and separated the bags still in the trunk hoping it would make how to hold them more obvious for him.

He took one bag and held it to his chest and then didn't know what to do with the other. By now, given the day and the previous disconnects, I knew that it would be easier for me to do the work rather than try to explain or instruct him how to carry two shopping bags by the handles each swinging in a different hand.

I was able to be somewhat kind and not vent my full anger and frustration or worse yet give in to my rage, although my emotions were pumping. After my second trip schlepping the groceries from the parking garage to the condo, I made his coffee, unloaded the groceries, made a cup of coffee for me, and attended to some work waiting for me on my computer. I was, however, somewhat distant and silent, which also sends a message to Gregory.

A short while later, I invited him into the computer room to watch a few TED presentations which are always moving. Afterwards he came back into the computer room and carefully began to apologize for his earlier behavior. I was able to help after asking if he was trying to apologize or was angry with me over my behavior.

I sat him down, took his hand, and said, "I appreciate your apology but I have to apologize to you as well. I know that you did not do anything on purpose today, you did not try to make me angry. We both know that at times your brain plays tricks on you through no fault of your own." At this point he began to cry. I squeezed his and and told him that I loved him.

I continued, speaking very slowly, "What happens in these situations is that I speak first out of anger and fear when I should be speaking out of love. I am working so hard at speaking out of love only but I am not too good at it yet." And I began to cry.

I think Gregory understood what I was trying to say. I reinforced that I love him no matter what, that I am here for him, that nothing that happened today was his fault, and that by now I am over it and not at all angry or frightened anymore. He reaffirmed his love and gratitutde for me.

He felt much better and so did I.

I'm Good, I'm Good, I'm Good

After reading my BLOG of a few days ago on having to support Gregory in the morning, our niece Colleen replied: "Have you ever tried telling yourself you are good in the morning?  Maybe try it just one morning each week.   Sorry it's been a tough couple of weeks.  We love you."

Click to see BLOG in a new window.

Knowing that she was correct and that by telling myself I am "bad," I bring more "bad" on myself, I wrote back, "Good suggestion. From BAD to I AM GOOD IN THE MORNINGS! Will let you know the results. Tough couple of weeks but not too BAD. OOPS. Tough couple of weeks that were almost GOOD. Love ya too."

When he woke up this morning, I told myself "I am good" and offered Gregory a very simple, "Sleep or Up?" I discovered, however, a new level of Gregory's difficulties getting started in the morning. It dawned on me that he opens his eyes and then doesn't know comes next.

Even that simple "Up or Sleep" didn't work this time. He fumbled with the cover, hemmed and hawed, sat up, lay down. As you can imagine I was frustrated because that meant the end of my sleep but the realization of his state of being was even more frustrating and sad.

I asked myself, "I thought you were good?" I guess I was better, not disrespectful, just banged around a little, didn't say anything negative ... but still felt BAD. I wasn't bad, I felt badly.

Wonder where tomorrow will take us with engines running.

P.S. Learned something interesting for this blog: 

Firstly, there is no such word as 'layed'. It doesn't exist.

Secondly, the confusion comes between the verbs 'lie' and 'lay' and their tenses.

'To lie' (not 'tell a fib') means to lie down: "Lie down on the bed if you're tired."

'To lay' means to set something down: "Lay the parcels on the bed, please."

Now, the confusion:

The past tense of 'lie' is 'lay': "I lay on the bed when I was tired."

The past tense of 'lay' is 'laid': "I laid the parcels on the bed."

That's why neither of your sentences are correct (especially 'layed', which doesn't exist). 

The correct word is:

I LAY DOWN in the middle of the road. (This refers to the one-time action of lying 

down.)

or

I LAY in the middle of the road for two hours. (Refers to an extended period of time.)

ALSO: One does not feel BAD, one feels BADLY.

Start Your Engines Part II

Yesterday morning I work up before Gregory and lie in bed just being quiet. He started stirring and I offered, "Do you want to get up or go back to sleep?"

He offered about ten minutes of confused beginning utterances, hemming, hawing, etc none of which was coherent to me or most likely to him.

Finally I offered, "Get up or sleep?" He pushed back the covers and got up. Success!

Next I went with him into the bathroom, directed him to the switch that turns on the heat and he knew what to do. Success!

I pointed to the toilet, and he knew what to do. No details needed here. Success!

Next I opened the medicine cabinet and took out his shaver box (contains shaver, brush, cord.) He knew how to plug it in without too much study and shaved. Success!

When he was finished, he opened the bathroom door. I pointed to the underwear and sweats on the bench just outside the door. He knew what to do. Success!

He had a little trouble getting the sweat shirt on correctly (even though it takes the same understanding that getting his undershirt on does.) I held back, he tried several times, "Oh shit!" "Oh shit!" "Oh shit!" finally getting it on correctly. Success!

So what we have here is a lot of successes in a failing kind of way!

P.S. Last night as we were drifting off to sleep, Gregory asked, "Do you know where you are going?"

"I am not sure what you mean," I questioned.

Tapping my head with his finger he replied, "In here, in here."

Life on the Outside Looking In

Ken, companion, took Gregory swimming. When they returned, Ken helped Gregory get changed from swimming. "First you need to hang up your swim suit." This brought a confused look to Gregory's face. "Your suit is wet, you need to hang it up to dry." No response. "Hang your swim suit up in your bathroom."

Finally a response from Gregory, "My bathroom."

"Yes, your bathroom." No response or acknowledgement from Gregory. "Your bathroom where Michael is right now." No response. "Here, let me show you."

"My bathroom?"

"Yes, your bathroom, here where Michael is standing and laughing."

Gregory was not offended by my laughing as I commented, "You must be exhausted from your swimming" to which Gregory agreed. Ken took the swim suit from Gregory and hung it over the shower door saying, "See, here. Hang your suit in your bathroom."

Ken, as usual, was very calm and not negatively or emotionally involved with the activity.

The reason I was laughing is multi-fold. First I was able to see from a non-emotionally involved point of view how silly the interaction seemed and how amazing the manifestation of Alzheimer's can be.

Next, I was interested that I could be peripherally involved but not have the frustration that usually comes with these types of interactions. It felt good to be OK with the situation.

Finally, I was pleased (does this make me bad) that someone else could see so explicitly and directly what I go through SO MANY times a day.

Start Your Engines

We are on the move again. For about two weeks now, Gregory has not been able to smoothly begin his morning routines. As you know, I am not my best in the morning so this has been difficult for me.

From now on, I think we are at the point that I need to "walk" him through the morning activities: take off your sleep clothes, turn on the heat, set up your shaver, shave, clean and put your shaver away, put on your underclothes, put on your sweats, begin your day. By accepting this responsibility (which I really don't want to do and probably resent) I will make his and my life easier. Let me explain the "less than saintly" way I handled it this morning.

This morning when I suggested that it was time to begin the day, he got out of bed and hung around the bed lifting and lowering his sleep shirt with an inquisitive look on his face. "Go in the bathroom and shave," I prompted. I think he wakes up and is disoriented about where he is, who he is, and what he should be doing.

I must have drifted back to sleep, which I sometimes do while he is shaving, because next thing I knew, he came to me for help. He had gotten out of his sleep clothes, had not begun shaving, and was trying to get his sweat shirt on starting with putting his arms into the sleeves from the outside. Can you picture this? I won't bother even trying to describe, just believe me.

I helped him off with the shirt and asked, "Do you NOT know how to begin the day?" Fatal mistake on my part number one, when will I learn? He couldn't answer and became frustrated instead. When will I learn? I think I would do OK if he could say, "No Michael I do not know how to do this today." Then I would help but instead he closes down and I fume. Why was I waiting for an answer and why did I think he would be able to communicate with me?

By now I am just short of raging. But I control myself. So what do I do? Did I mention that I am not good in the morning? I made him get back into his sleep clothes, get back into bed, and we started over from the beginning. I never did say I was perfect! He probably had no idea what I was doing but it kept me under control so it must have been good.

I walked him through the beginning of the morning activities, probably not in the nicest tone of voice, did I say I am not good in the morning?

As we went through each step he behaved as though he knew what he was doing from the beginning leaving me numb and wondering what I had just spent my last half hour doing. For some reason when I trigger the memory he thinks he has always been acting on that memory and for some reason that makes me angrier then having had to help him through it in the first place.

You see I am still normal but he is the new normal and most often I find it hard to live in his crazy world. I use the word crazy loosely if only because Gregory is NOT crazy, but sometimes I think I am when I am trying to operate in his world.

Picture This: A play in three acts with epilogue but no prologue

EPILOGUE:
The bedroom. Gregory sitting on the bench fully dressed except his shoes. Me sitting at my computer.

SCENE:
From my right to left - A) one foot with sock and shoe on, B) one shoe waiting, C) one foot with sock on. I would have loved to insert a photograph here but didn't want to embarrass Gregory by taking one.

ACT ONE;
I could tell that he was studying what to do next but I didn't want to jump in to help. While it pains me to see him "suffer through" figuring out what to do, I realize that it is best not to jump in too soon because that only confuses him more and frustrates me.

Back and forth he looks between point A, point B, and point C.

From my point of view I am freaked out. How could he not know what to do in such a simple, straight forward situation? Does he not know how to put on shoe number 2? Does he not see shoe number 2? Does he not see foot number 2? Does he not realize foot number 2 is ready for shoe number 2? Is he just staring at the items (feet and shoes and sox) and having nothing register? Is he waiting for something but not sure what? He seems to know something is "wrong" but doesn't know what or how to process the situation.

Back and forth he looks between point A, point B, and point C.

CURTAIN

ACT 2
Finally I get involved. (I cannot remember or share with you the prompts I used to try to help him. If I could it would seem like a Comedy of Errors getting more and more complicated until we are finally discussing the nature of a shoe and its purpose, the various types of shoes, the fine art of polishing a shoe, how to scrape dog shit off of the bottom of a shoe, etc. Sometimes these conversations seem like this and/or my teacher self takes over and I find myself inadvertently trying to teach him how to do the task at hand knowing full well that we are both past the point of no return.)

CURTAIN

ACT 3
Just when I am about to get up to put his shoe on his foot for him (I remained calm this time so if he isn't ... at least I am learning) when he slips his foot into the shoe, comments, "That was easy." and stands up and leaves the room. CURTAIN

PROLOGUE: None! What can I say? An empty stage.

CURTAIN

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil

I am pretty sure that I do not need to worry about seeing evil around the condo. Enough said.

I continue to work at being calm, patient, respectful, loving, supportive, etc with Gregory on our Alzheimer's Path, therefore speaking no evil gets easier.

The one I just became aware of having perfected is hearing no evil. That is the subject of this post.

My hearing has become fine tuned to all types of noises around the condo. This has happened in relation to Gregory's increasing need for supervision and in addition, our getting two baby kitties. Gregory's needs have been increasing for ten years now and most recently have become fairly intense.

The kitties (Emma and Gigi) were 4 and 5 months old when we got them and they are now 9 and 10 months old respectively. As you can imagine, new kitties can get into a lot of trouble, especially when there are two of them to egg each other on.

I am tuned into noises during the day, when we have music playing, at night when I am asleep. For the most part, there are three noises as well as their intensity that I am able to distinguish in relation to both Gregory, the cats, the state of the condo, and all of our general well being.

The first noise I can distinguish is OK NOISE. On hearing this type of noise, I can identify what or where it is coming from, know that the noise is safe, and know that I do not have to worry about it or take action. Examples are the washing machine changing cycles, the refrigerator dropping a new supply of ice cubes, the furnace clicking on or off, the kitties chasing a mouse (stuffed,) Gregory going to the bathroom.

The second noise I can distinguish is the NOT-OK-NOISE or NEEDS-MY-ATTENTION NOISE. On hearing this type of noise, I know that I must get up and go see what is happening to cause the noise and why. Did Gregory shatter a wine glass when it was dropped, is a kitty climbing the screen door, did the front door open and close, and who said "Oh shit" and why? If I hear Gregory shaving at 4:00am, I will get up and redirect him back to bed.

The third noise I can distinguish is the UNIDENTIFIED NOISE, which causes me to react as I would to noise number two but perhaps a little more quickly. Once on site with the noise, I can revert to my usual NOISE 1 or NOISE 2 reaction.

Also, I can distinguish the urgency of NOISES 1 and 2 and will react quickly or more slowly, with calmly or pumping blood, OMGing (Oh My God)ing or not. I used to jump up and run to Gregory for a "Oh No!" or "O Fuck!" noise, now I wait to see what happens next.

Actually, as I write this I realize that there are other types of noises in my repetroire. For example, if the buildings emergency alarm klaxon is sounding in my unit and the recorded message is instructing us to evacuate using the nearest stairway, I will gather my cell phone - wallet - keys etc, Gregory, and the cats if they are available and willing.

Then I will feel the front door to see if it is hot, and proceed across the hall to the emergency stairwell. If I can hear the klaxon faintly, I know that it is sounding in a different zone, well above our floor, and be prepared in case of further instruction from the fire department but will not take action and will remain calm.

Sometimes the kitty noises are of the nature that can be labeled playful, worrisome, come feed me, or wrestling with my sister. Different talking, different reactions.

When Gregory calls "Help," which he usually does in a calm quiet tone, I go to his aid no matter what.

When the phone rings, sometimes I answer it and sometimes I let voice mail greet the caller.

All in all, the ability to monitor my life, Greogry's, and the cats is quite beneficial to avoiding or catching problems before they get too advanced. I get a certain amount of peace of mind from this talent.

Balancing Emotions

The article "Balancing Emotions," reproduced below, helped me gain yet another insight into why I react to difficult interactions with Gregory in ways with which I am not happy and which I am trying to change.  

For this post, I want to concentrate on this particular part of the article: 

Emotions and inner patterns of behavior arise like waves of energy within us. They take the form of feelings and reactions that play out over and over again. These patterns are very habitual: a trigger comes and the pattern arises. Sometimes, we do not even need the trigger; the pattern is just there.

After 35+ years of life and love with Gregory, we have many shared experiences and have learned many patterns of interaction. Now, ten years into our Journey with Alzheimer's Disease, many or most of those old patterns of interaction have changed or disappeared. We have compensated, revised, tweaked, changed, dropped, and added to our repertoire.

Often our interactions are based on Gregory's current normal (which is somewhat crazy) but to keep our life as normal as possible, I also try to interact with Gregory like I always have. When an interaction goes awry I still react as if Gregory is normal, as if the interaction should have been normal, as if our relationship still is normal. However, he is not and they are not. So I get angry, impatient, frustrated, and at times disrespectful.

The old patterns arise like waves of energy and are habitual, but because the old normal is mismatched with the new normal, the energy is often negative. Angry energy. Disrespectful energy. Impatient energy. Frustrated energy. Confused energy. 

Even though I have worked at changing many of our patterns, many more of the old ones still surface without needing a trigger. In looking at myself over the last ten years, what I have had to do is relearn and analyze my patterns of behavior and make sure they mesh with the "New Normal" that Gregory and I are living now. 

Sometimes I am able, other times I am not. Part of the problem is that the "New Normal" will be new yet again later tonight, tomorrow, and the next day etc etc etc. I'll keep trying.

Balancing Emotions 

From: tricycle: The Buddhist Review, Spring 2013.

A discussion by Lawrence Levy, founder and senior member of the Juniper School, based on a workshop by and the teachings of Segyu Rinpoche.

Long devoted to translating traditional Buddhist teachings into contemporary idiom, the Silicon Valley–based Juniper School, led by Segyu Rinpoche, has in the past few years reached out to the general public with its accessible teachings. Here, a senior member of the school describes the practice of Balancing Emotions, one of the “four building blocks of Buddhist training” (the other three practices are Meditation, Cultivating Compassion, and Developing Insight). In March, Segyu Rinpoche, a Brazilian-born lineage holder in the Tibetan Gelug tradition, will offer a four-part video retreat on all four practices at tricycle.com.

Balancing Emotions means gaining control over the mood and outlook we bring to everything we do. Our inner emotions have an enormous effect on our experience, often impeding our inner growth. Balancing our emotional energy can create a significant shift in our inner well-being, creating new levels of inner strength and tranquility.

—The Juniper School

One of the great insights of Buddhist thought is the central role of emotions and inner patterns of behavior in our experience. Strong cravings and emotional patterns color almost everything we do, sometimes keeping our minds disturbed for long periods and often upsetting our personal and professional lives. Although our emotions are normal aspects of experience, they can become like mental prisons. A single word, or even a look, from another person can trigger a range of emotions that consume us for hours, weeks, or longer. These inner states typically are present regardless of our outer endeavors and attainments, and they can be highly resistant to change. Wealth, fame, and other worldly successes, for example, often fail to provide the contentment we anticipated because they do little to change the emotions and patterns of behavior that govern how we feel.

Emotions and inner patterns of behavior arise like waves of energy within us. They take the form of feelings and reactions that play out over and over again. These patterns are very habitual: a trigger comes and the pattern arises. Sometimes, we do not even need the trigger; the pattern is just there. This emotional energy incites us to action, driving our mood, experience, and interactions with others. It can make us do things we do not want to do, leaving us to rationalize our behavior or to regret our actions. When our emotional energy rises, it is difficult to dissipate it at will. It needs to run its course. Consider, for example, how anger, envy, resentment, lust, and other emotions can dominate our mood and attention. Buddhist training gives us tools to bring these waves of emotional energy into balance.

To gain this balance, first we have to commit to learning about ourselves and growing. This is often not as easy as it sounds. For example, we have a strong tendency to blame problems on outer conditions—the boss, the neighbor, the friend, the economy, the family, the environment, and the like. We tend to convince ourselves that if outer circumstances were to change—if we had more money, more fun, more friends, more free time, more respect, better relationships, and so on—things would be better. However, although outer changes may help, we often give them too much weight, and we have difficulty seeing the obstacles created by the inner forces at work.

Once we acknowledge the importance of looking within ourselves, we have to elevate our awareness of how our emotions and patterns of behavior affect us. We begin to see the impact on our lives of our emotions, our inner patterns of behavior, and the inner stories that dictate how we see ourselves and the world around us. Becoming aware of these inner forces is key to changing them. Just the awareness can make a difference.

Having enhanced our awareness of our emotions and patterns of behavior, we can apply remedies that will reduce or eliminate those that cause inner agitation. These remedies include committing to a path of inner development, meditating, exercising self-restraint, and cultivating positive modes of thought and action. Buddhist training guides how to do each of these.

However, we must be careful not to suppress or bury our emotions; then the energy just finds its way somewhere else. Instead, by gently robbing negative emotional patterns of their power and by practicing positive modes of thought and action, we bring balance to our inner lives, and our minds will gradually become habituated to remaining calm, stable, and clear. 

In addition ...

In a previous post I discussed an interesting phenomenon in which Gregory is more comfortable at times to go to Ken, his companion, for help than he is to come to me.

In that post I had wanted to, but forgot to mention that it seems very much like when a child goes to one parent with a question, doesn't like the answer, and so goes to the other parent to see if they can get a different answer. That is probably the reason that eventually when the child asks the mother a question, she replies, "Go to your father," and when the child asks the father a question, he replies, "Go to your mother."

Another interesting thing happened when we were discussing my taking Gregory to the swimming pool after Ken leaves us. I have slowly been "dropping pins" about Ken's leaving for Vanderbilt to continue his studies in psychology so that when he finally has left, Gregory will have had a chance to deal with the leaving.

When I dropped the "pin" the other day, Gregory looked concerned, worried, frightened? I asked what was the matter. "You'll take me swimming?" he replied. "Oh."

"Yes. I'll help you begin and then while you swim I'll do the hot tub or something." Gregory's worried face continued. "Do you want me to be there while you swim?"

Both Gregory and Ken agreed that Greg swims alone once in the pool and doesn't need assistance. Finally, Gregory said (or stumbled,) "Well ... then ... you'll have to come and be there. And Ken will help." In other words, Gregory wanted Ken to show me what to do to help Gregory when he goes swimming. Ironic since I "trained" Ken on what to do for Gregory. I gently reminded him of this, said that we all three could go down a few times, and perhaps that would make the transition easier.

Gregory liked this. He did comment, "You did?" in response to my comment about having shown Ken the swimming procedures. Ken was very supportive and added, "Yep, Michael showed me and I'll show him back. I am sure there won't be any problem.


CLICK HERE to see previous post. Opens in a new window.

An Interesting Phenomenon

I have been noticing an interesting phenomenon with Ken's living with us. When Gregory needs help with some things, he goes to Ken for that help. I do not mind but have been observing and have learned a few lessons based on my observations.

Ken is always, and I mean always patient with Gregory. I am not.

Ken is always fast on the ready to help or do something for Gregory while often I will make him figure things out by himself.

Ken will be supportive and positive while at times I become angry, frustrated, concerned, worried for the future based on an imagined, new, or periodic failure on Gregory's part.

I do not want to seem judgmental towards Ken or myself, just observant of the differences. The lesson here, however, is that Gregory TRUSTS Ken to deal with some things that he doesn't TRUST me to deal with.

For example, after hundreds of times helping or instructing Gregory on how to put on his "Medic-Alert" necklace, now I just tell him, "Just do what you can, it doesn't matter." Ken still spends the time trying to verbally tell Gregory how to put on the necklace. Other times I just take it out of Gregory's hand and put it on for him. I have never seen Ken do this.

My very "in touch niece" Colleen once drew an understanding about cats and how they will continually come back to you based on the MARGIN OF TRUST you allow them. You can discipline them or step on their tail accidentally, but they will still come to you to get pet and will purr and love you.

For example, you can hold them firmly, but when they really, really want to get down and when they show you this with their squirming, you put them down. The trust continues. You may swat the cat when it is chewing on a book in your library, but they still trust you. If you swat them all the time, however, or continue to hold them against their will, the trust margin decreases.

So my lesson with observing Ken and Gregory's interactions is that I need to be very careful not to extinguish that margin of trust which Gregory has for me, my intentions, my being here to help. The last thing I would want to do is inadvertently cause him to be afraid to come to me for help.

A Guidance System

Emotions are your guidance system, not the cause your problems. Emotions are the response to what is happening in your life. They are an indication of what you are experiencing. Like a thermometer tells you the temperature in a room, your emotions tell you about the state of your life. Therefore, emotions are a good thing that can guide you to making your life what you want it to be.

Usually one hears about guidance systems when referring to airplanes or missiles. With airplanes, the guidance system helps make sure you will safely reach your vacation destination. In shooting a missile, the guidance system helps make sure the missile hits its destination doing the desired damage.

With emotions, the guidance system tells you whether what you are experiencing is making you happy or sad, is right or wrong, is good or bad. So if you are angry or depressed or sad, that is not the problem. That is the measure of your problem. 

To make changes, you must dig deeper than your emotions (or maybe you already have) to find the cause of your anger, your depression, your sadness. It is easy to say, "I am depressed" and to leave it there, being depressed. It is as if labeling the emotion is enough. However, when used as a guidance system, your emotions help you to be armed with a better understanding of the current state of affairs of your life and you can begin to deal with the cause, to correct it if you can. 

As you make these changes, you will feel your emotional barometer change. Most situations can be changed, if not by yourself then with the help of a family member, a friend, or a trained professional. In those situations that cannot be changed, your thinking can be. While it may seem difficult to impossible, one does have that choice and that ability. 

I believe that each one of us is creating for ourselves a life that reflects how we think about things, how we see things, whether we are optimistic or pessimistic. We must remember that our emotions are only the measure your life not the cause. 

If your emotions are telling you that you are happy and that your life is good, keep up the good work. If your emotions are telling you that you are sad, unhappy, lonely, frightened, depressed, etc, then think about how to begin the process of change.

On a day to day basis, you can alter your emotions by how you think about things. If the person in line at the grocery store in front of you is giving the checker a hard time and holding up the line, it is not necessarily about you and your anger at having to wait or your disgust with the woman's rudeness.

Maybe the person can barely afford her groceries, maybe her husband is dying of cancer, maybe she just got a call that her child was in trouble again at school. If you can begin to look at the "maybes," chances are you will not be as angry with this stranger who is holding up the line as you were. Often, a person's problems are invisible, so don't take them for granted.

Even with something as severe as the diagnosis of an incurable disease; a person can change their thinking. He can spend all the time left being depressed, down, and sad or he can make the best of the time left, do those things he has been postponing, make sure he tells those who matter that he loves them, look at those parts of his life for which he should be grateful. He can live life as well as he can, while he can.

While some sayings are trite, like ...  you can change if you want to, it is all in how you think about it, if you change your attitude you can change your life  ...  they are true. Try it, you'll be surprised.

So Far This Morning

So far this morning:

Up way too early shaving.
Didn't know how to use his shaver.
Needed help turning on the shower water.
Didn't think to put down bath mat.
Couldn't open the shampoo bottle.
Wasn't sure how to put on his belt.
When he did, missed two loops.
Had both sox on, one shoe on, and didn't know what to do next.
Buttoned his shirt but got confused on the last button.
Trouble putting his "Medic Alert" necklace over his head.
Couldn't clip on his key chain on to his belt loop.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

There might just be a message in this:

CLICK: Happy Happy Joy Joy

Ken the Kompanion

Haven't posted for a while. With Ken, Gregory's companion since last May and living with us since Easter, things have been going pretty well. As I have mentioned, both Gregory and I get along well with Ken and he, us.

If you missed them here are two BLOGS about the experience: It's Only Fair and Companion

Ken is easy to live with, allows us our privacy, and keeps his own. We also spend many dinners together and often times will just sit around the living room chatting. Gregory and I have learned a lot about the Japanese culture and Ken has heard a lot about the American as well as Gay cultures.

Ken has met many of our friends, has joined several parties that we have hosted, and has chatted with Roger, Scott, and Richard about their experience in Psychology as Ken will be starting his masters in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at Vanderbilt University in September.

Ken and Gregory make a good team when cleaning up after meals. A few meals into Ken's tenure with us, I smilingly suggested, "You know ... it's ... only ... fair ..." And they both finished with, "that we clean up since you cooked.)

Among other support activities, Ken sets the table, takes out the trash and recycle, helps bring groceries from the car and even helps put them away. Often Ken will pick up a few things at the close by Whole Foods or return books to the library. He brings up the mail and when I need an extra hand fixing something around the condo, his are very able.

Gregory and Ken go swimming at the pool in the building two or three times a week, go for walks, go for haircuts and manicures, and spend time at Starbucks.

Today I am just home from a week in New Orleans. Gregory and Ken spend 24/7 together very successfully and I felt totally at ease with not being home. Periodically I would send them texts with added photos of what I was doing in NOLA. A day or two into my getaway, photos of what they were doing began showing up in their texts to me.

Following is a gallery of photos from Gregory's Great Adventure:

Gregory & Ken at the beach

Gregory out on the pier

At home with a sandwich and 

soup from "Pret-a-Mange"

Gregory in the swimming pool

Gregory at "San Germaine" with

a dinner crepe

Gregory at "San Germaine" with

a dessert crepe

Mindfulness & Difficult Emotions

"Mindfulness & Difficult Emotions"

Tricycle: The Buddhist Review 

Spring 2013. Page 26 -28

By: Sharon Salzberg

I’ve heard some wonderful explanations of mindfulness. The writer and teacher Sylvia Boorstein calls it “awake attention to what is happening inside and outside so we can respond from a place of wisdom.” The Vietnamese Zen teacher and poet Thich Nhat Hanh says, “I like to define mindfulness as the energy that helps us to be there 100 percent. It is the energy of your true presence.” But my favorite definition comes from a fifth grader at Piedmont Avenue Elementary School in Oakland, California. 

In 2007, the school launched a pilot program that offered kids five weeks of mindfulness training from a coach who visited classrooms twice a week, leading 15-minute sessions on how to have “gentle breaths and still bodies.” The students trained their attention by focusing on their breath and noting the emotions that arose. The coach also asked them to cultivate compassion by reflecting—“taking a moment”—before lashing out at someone on the playground. “I was losing at baseball and I was about to throw a bat,” one boy told his class, according to The New York Times. “The mindfulness really helped.” 

The reporter asked another boy participating in the program to describe mindfulness. It’s “not hitting someone in the mouth,” he said. 

His answer is wise, wide, and deep. It illustrates one of the most important uses of mindfulness: helping us deal with difficult emotions. It suggests the possibility of finding the gap between a trigger event and our usual conditioned response to it, and using that pause to collect ourselves and change our response. And it demonstrates that we can learn to make better choices. 

“He doesn’t know what to do with his energy,” the student’s mother said at a parents’ meeting. He was, she explained, usually quick to strike out when he was confused or frustrated. But mindfulness training was changing that pattern. “One day after school he told me, ‘I’m taking a moment.’” 

This is just what the practice of mindfulness helps us remember. Working with emotions during our meditation sessions sharpens our ability to recognize a feeling just as it begins, not 15 consequential actions later. We can then go on to develop a more balanced relationship with it—neither letting it overwhelm us so we lash out rashly nor ignoring it because we’re afraid or ashamed of it. 

We learn a lot in that middle, mindful place. We begin to discover that, like the Oakland schoolboy, we can always take a moment—to re-center ourselves in our bodies, acknowledge what we’re feeling, spot our habitual reactions (whether that means erupting when we’re frustrated or silently sulking when we feel criticized), and perhaps decide on a different course of action. 

When I first began my meditative practice I was only 18, and although I knew I was deeply unhappy, I wasn’t aware of the separate strands of grief, anger, and fear roiling inside me. All I felt was a single, seemingly solid bank of sadness. Then, through meditation, I began to look within more clearly and detect the various components of my sorrow. What I saw unsettled me so much that I marched up to my teacher, S. N. Goenka, and said accusingly, “I never used to be an angry person before I began meditating!” Of course I was hugely angry: my mother had died; I barely knew my father; I barely knew myself. When I blamed Mr. Goenka, he simply laughed—then reminded me of the tools I now had to deal with the difficult feelings I used to keep hidden. I could begin to forge a different relationship with my emotions—to find the middle place between denying them and giving over to them—because I had acknowledged them. 

Mindfulness practice isn’t meant to eliminate thinking but aims rather to help us know what we’re thinking when we’re thinking it, just as we want to know what we’re feeling when we’re feeling it. 

Mindfulness allows us to watch our thoughts, see how one thought leads to the next, decide if we’re heading toward an unhealthy path, and if so, let go and change directions. It allows us to see that who we are is much more than a fearful or envious or angry thought. We can rest in the awareness of the thought, in the compassion we extend to ourselves if the thought makes us uncomfortable, and in the balance and good sense we summon as we decide whether and how to act on the thought. 

Meditation is like going into an old attic room and turning on the light. In that light we see everything—the beautiful treasures we’re grateful to have unearthed; the dusty, neglected corners that inspire us to say, “I’d better clean that up”; the unfortunate relics of the past that we thought we had gotten rid of years ago. We acknowledge them all, with an open, spacious, and loving awareness. 

It’s never too late to turn on the light. Your ability to break an unhealthy habit or turn off an old tape doesn’t depend on how long it’s been running; a shift in perspective doesn’t depend on how long you’ve held the old view. When you flip the switch in that attic, it doesn’t matter whether it’s been dark for 10 minutes, 10 years, or 10 decades. The light still illuminates the room and banishes the murkiness, letting you see things you couldn’t see before. It’s never too late to take a moment to look.