Happy Birthday Daryl

Daryl, a friend of a friend celebrated his 50th birthday by sponsoring a fund raiser benefit birthday party at Davenport's Cabaret and Bar in Chicago. Daryl not only teaches music at Glenview School District #34 (where I taught) but also has been entertaining Chicago for a long while to rave reviews with his comedy, singing, and schtick!

The fundraiser was for the Greater Ohio Alzheimer's Association who provide support to his mother, diagnosed with Alzheimer's and father. Daryl organized approximately 30 fellow cabaret performers to present one number each for what ended up being a two hour show with one intermission.

As one of the presenters, I volunteered to do a poetry reading which would give the attendees an idea of what it is like to live with and love someone with dementia. I also sold my poetry book with the profits going to the benefit. 

Following is the "script" of my presentation:

POETRY READING

By Michael A. Horvich

At Davenport’s

in honor of

Daryl Nitz’s 50th

Birthday

Saturday

December 14, 2013

Happy Birthday Daryl. 

Fifty years old. Sometimes the number looks worse than the reality of it. I wish I could remember what it was like to be so young!

Let me tell you just a little bit about myself, not necessarily in order of importance.

My name is Michael Horvich. I am told I look a little like Santa Claus. I am an educator, administrator, and teacher; retired from Glenview District 34 some 19 years ago, a Lyric Opera supernumerary, an actor, a writer, a poet, a collector, a museum curator, a book binder, a jewelry artist, a gay man, and have been Gregory’s life partner for over 35 years!

How can I describe what it is like to live with someone who has Alzheimer's Disease, or any major dementia for that matter. 

Over time, I have tried to describe and process for myself what I go through on a daily if not hourly basis, 24/7/365.

I have used prose, poetry, memoirs, metaphor, anecdote, description, humor, and tears to try to share what it is like. 

I will try to share my experience with you through five of my poems.

First Alzheimer’s Disease as it relates to the theater. It is called:

A Play Told in a Series of Poems

I have written many pieces of poetry, 

For the most part with favorable feedback,

Chronicling the path traveled with Gregory, 

My life partner of over thirty five years,

Diagnosed with young onset Alzheimer's Disease, 

Ten years ago when he was fifty five years old.

For a next project, wouldn't it be interesting,
To write a serious drama for the stage
In which the audience would experience
What a person with Alzheimer’s goes through. 
And what those who love him endure?

It wouldn't be hard for me to write the play,
Because I have so much material from which to draw. 
The question is, however, who would want to
pay the ticket price and attend an evening of  theater to watch it? 

Who would want to sit through some ninety minutes, with one intermission; 
Of heaviness, sadness, frustration, confusion, depression, tears and at times desperation?

Even if laced with love, compassion, insight, and humor? 
Who would want to pay?
Who would pay?

Next as Alzheimer’s Disease relates to music and dance with a poem called: 

The Dance of Normalcy

Living with and loving someone who has Alzheimer’s
Is like orchestrating an improvisational dance with normalcy.

No music, no planned steps, no assigned leading partner.
Not being able to anticipate turns or circles, or dips or bends.

Defining and redefining normalcy by the moment … or not.
Normalcy for his dance, not mine being the key,

As we live in each other’s world, 
Neither one making sense to the other

But at least we live and at least we love.
And each day … I die.

Would I be insulting your intelligence to tell you that Ménage à trois is a French term which originally described a domestic arrangement, in which three people having sexual relations occupy the same household? The phrase literally translates as "household of three.” This poem is called:

Ménage á trios

Over twenty five years and their relationship was as strong as ever, 
Their love continuing to grow, change, and adjust to the times. 

Same sex love was not fashionable when they first met in the 1970’s.
It was known as the love that dare not speak its name. 

Most churches will not recognize nor bless their love, their union.
Slowly society has acknowledged it out loud 
But for the most part still in whispers.           
Each partner was very much unlike the other. 
He was tall and he was short. He was fair and he was dark. 

He was slender and he was bulky.
He was a recovering Catholic. He was a recovering Jew.

He was calm, thoughtful, and orderly.
He was animated, impulsive, and random.

Often he described him as a “stick:” meaning hard, formed, and inflexible. 
In turn, he described him as a “sponge:” meaning soft, malleable, absorbing. 

Over time the stick became more sponge-like
And the sponge became more stick-like.

One day, ten years ago, uninvited and unannounced,
Unasked, a third partner joined the relationship. 

Alzheimer’s does not discriminate against same sex relationships,
Nor seek permission to join the party. 

So it became a ménage à trois.
Three entities occupying the same household.

Now, he is becoming less, and he is having to become more. 
Now he has difficulty communicating, and he has to tell both of their stories.

Slowly while he has been becoming the back partner in this ménage à trios
And while he has been becoming the forward partner …

Alzheimer’s is becoming the dominant partner.


Fourth, I have been told that it is a brave thing …  for a caregiver to admit that:

His Illness Is All About Me! 

I am his words
I am his memories

I listen to his emotions
I listen to his needs
I learn to accept less
I learn to go where he leads

I try not to expect too much
I try not to anticipate
I respond when I am asked
I respond, or sometimes I wait

I understand his situation
I understand his state
I leave the rest to who knows what
I leave the rest to fate

I know it’s up to me to change
I know he’s doing his best
I will do whatever I have to do
I will put myself to the test

I cry myself to sleep at night
I cry silently within my soul
I feel so very sad and alone
I feel such a deep, empty hole

I live from moment to moment
I live from day to day
I yearn for what used to be 
I yearn for yesterday

I promised to always love him
I promised until death do we part
I will hold him close while he knows me
I will hold him always in my heart

Now … I am his words
I am his memories 

And now a pause for the commercial announcement, as PBS says, with thanks to viewers like you:

If you want to find out more about living and loving someone with dementia, check out my BLOG. Ask me for my card if you want the link and other information about my art and life which also includes Michael’s Museum: A Curious Collection of Tiny Treasures now a permanent exhibit at Chicago Children’s Museum on Navy Pier.

During intermission I will be selling and autographing my book of poetry - Sit With Me A While: The Collected Works. It includes poetry dealing with life experiences, dreams, death, pets, spirituality, humor, as well as Alzheimer's Disease and includes several of the poems I read today. The price is $15.00, with profits going to support the Greater East Ohio Area Chapter of the Alzheimer’s Association.

My final poem this evening is based on Gregory an my extensive travels when he was first diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and alludes to our relationship today. It is called:

Intersections 

We wander through the meadow, 
Sit on garden seats.
We walk in narrow country paths,
Traverse the city streets.

We linger in romantic cafes, 
Witnessing hand in hand.
We venture to places unknown,
Revisit those we had planned.

And, now, as we travel life together,
It is at rare intersections that we meet.
The words just don’t exist anymore,
But with memories and our love, we are replete.

Thank you. And Daryl, thank you for making this occasion possible and Happy Birthday!