Today We Played Piano

Today, during one of my recent extended stays with Gregory, we listened to piano music. We started with Beethoven followed by Schuman, Rachmaninoff, and Chopin.

Through most of Beethoven Gregory moaned with delight. "My. My. My. My. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh."

During Schuman he cried with joyful reminiscence. I also helped his hands move through the motions of playing the treble with his right hand and playing the base with his left hand both in time to the piece we were listening to. While I did most of the movement I could feel his hands and fingers responding behind my control.

During Rachmaninoff we laughed when I said, "Too many notes," and retold the story of my father's comment/ compliment at Gregory's recital of Rachmaninoff for the family, "That sure was loud!"

After the first few bars into the Chopin, Gregory covered his face with his hands and began with a cry, then moved into sobs, which escalated to howls and over and over again saying something close to "I can't, I can't, I'll never." As suddenly as he went into his reverie he arrived back. I held him and we rocked for the rest of the piece.

During the Beethoven and Schuman, I asked several times if he was OK and he clearly said, "Yes."

During Rachmaninoff I commented, "What a fun time we are having!" He agreed.

For the Chopin, after his howling subsided, I asked if he wanted to stop listening for a while and he clearly said, "Yes, for a while!'

Through most this experience I measured my emotions which were ones of joy at being able to provide Gregory with memories and an opportunity to express his emotions. I was "here and now" and didn't think about his loss or my loss of who my best friend/lover used to be.

When we got to the howling, I began to cry as well, was overwhelmed with the Gregory who used to be and our relationship that does not and never will exist in the same way again. I began wondering at the worth of the experience. But Gregory's need to howl was there and it arrived and I held his hand and we rocked and it was over and it was good.

I feel great joy and great success when I am able to provide for his needs and feelings no matter the cost to mine!