A Ghost In This House

I cry fairly easily now days when I am home alone. After spending four or five hours with Gregory each day that Manny has been out with a cold, I experience such wonderful, new, little touches of Gregory that I didn't realize I have been missing.

Some are glimpses of Gregory's knowing who and what and where he is. Some are celebrations of our love. Some are demonstrations of his trying to communicate with my agreeing supportively to who knows what. Some are little, whispered, "I love you" from his lips. Some are rocking together in our sorrow. Some are tears of joy. Others are tears of loss.

Then I come home to my empty house. That screams out his absence. That screams out "Never More." And I cry.

I love my home, I enjoy being here, but when I allow myself, I despair at Gregory's not being here with me.

This evening I have been watching "American Voices," a PBS special about all types of American music that is hosted by my friend opera singer Renee Flemming. One of her guests Alison Krauss, a Country Western singer, sang this song below. 

And I cried. And I felt a loss so great that if I allowed myself to visit it too deeply, I could not breath and would die as quickly as Gregory dies slowly. And as much as he is no longer the man he was, I so dread his death and his leaving me, and I cry and I die.

ALISON KRAUSS LYRICS

"Ghost In This House"

I don't pick up the mail
I don't pick up the phone
I don't answer the door
I'd just as soon be alone
I don't keep this place up
I just keep the lights down
I don't live in these rooms
I just rattle around

I'm just a ghost in this house
I'm just a shadow upon these walls
As quietly as a mouse I haunt these halls
I'm just a whisper of smoke
I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
You took my body and soul
I'm just a ghost in this house

I don't care if it rains
I don't care if it's clear
I don't mind staying in
There's another ghost here
He sits down in your chair
And he shines with your light
And he lays down his head
On your pillow at night

I'm just a ghost in this house
I'm just a shadow upon these walls
I'm living proof of the damage
Heartbreak does
I'm just a whisper of smoke
I'm all that's left of two hearts on fire
That once burned out of control
And took my body and soul
I'm just a ghost in this house
Oh, I'm just a ghost in this house