Here Come Those Emotions Again

I went to visit Gregory today. He was asleep and I couldn't wake him up. Manny reported that Gregory had slept most of the afternoon and Tomika reported that he slept most of the day.

I asked the nurse to look at him which she did right away. His blood pressure, pulse, heart rate, oxygen count were all normal as was his breathing. So nothing looked wrong, and the excuse was "Maybe he didn't sleep well last night."

I left him to sleep and returned home, not terribly upset but not completely calm either. Why was he so far away? Why would he not wake up? Was he keeping his eyes closed on purpose? Was he being stubborn? Was he becoming comatose? I was not terribly upset but not completely calm either.

While I was washing my dinner dishes the emotions crept in and I got frightened. Not for Gregory but for myself. I realized that even in his current condition, he is such an important part of my life. He is where I go almost every day to visit. I still shop for him, find clothes for him, organize his room for him. I will miss him so much when he dies (assuming he goes before me.) 

Then I suddenly felt so alone. Even in his current condition he is with me and I will miss him so much when he dies. Who will I take care of? I am afraid for myself at  how alone I will feel when he is gone.