When Is It Time?

Gregory and I just had a conversation (if you can call mostly a monologue a conversation) about how we will know when it is time for him to live someplace other than in our home.

We had just had a poor interaction in which I said some things that I shouldn't have said having to do with threatening to send him "to a home" and that were hurtful to him. I apologized quickly. In short order I was calm, he was good and I again apologized saying (which I have said many times after a "fight") that our love for each other is never in question, that I am here for him, and I promised never ever to use the "going to a home" threat again. He thanked me.

"But," I said, "some time we need to talk about how we will know when it is time for you to live somewhere other than in our home."

I asked, "Have you ever thought about this before?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Can we talk about it now? Why haven't you ever talked to me about it." He replied that he didn't want to.

"I understand. It is a painful thing to talk about." I asked again if we could talk now about how we would know when it was time and he agreed that it would be a good thing.

"How will we know when it is time?"

He thought for a while and replied, "Well, it isn't for a long time yet."

We circled through that answer and my trying to get some more thoughts from him about 'when.' Never got there. Finally, he asked me, "Can you help me."

I explained that I had some ideas but had hoped to know what he thought. He was unable to gather any thoughts to share.

So I began, slowly and deliberately so he could follow, "I think that there are very few circumstances under which this decision will have to be made. Probably I (not we) will have to make it. Probably you will not be happy with the decision. But it will be the best, carefully thought out decision that I can make.

"First it would be time if I physically cannot take care of you anymore because I am unable to do so or because I cannot do a good job of taking care of your physical needs. If I had a short term illness I am sure our family and friends and maybe some hired help would be enough to let you stay at home. But any long term illness on my part would probably tell us that you need to be someplace that can take good care of you.

"Second is obvious, if I die before you.

"Third is if you become harmful to yourself or to me. One example is if you become violent. Another would be if you wander and I cannot keep track of you. If your behaviors cannot be protected like when you use a knife or medications inappropriately. Lots of things could be locked up ... but not everything.

He agreed with what I said. Soon after the tears stared, his first with mine following, and we hugged and rocked for a while. But we both readjusted fairly quickly and felt better, both agreeing that the conversation we had was an important one and glad that we had it. I again promised that I would never out of anger or frustration threaten to put him in a home again. He confined, "Never." Now we are getting ready to go out to dinner. Life continues.\

In writing this and proof reading it several days after the fact, I realize that our conversation had a bigger impact on me than it did on him. He is able to continue in his "fog" which is not always a bad place to be. I live with the eventual reality of the of having to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life. And I am sad.