Remembering the Past, Enjoying the Present, Avoiding the Future

The Past. The Present. The Future. The future, the future, the future. Avoid it! Read about it. Educate yourself about it. Prepare for it. Do not deny it. Know it will come. But then, at all costs, avoid thinking about it!

Each person affected by Alzheimer's Disease performs their role predictably. The predictability is that each person will express their role in an individual, unique way. While general descriptors of the disease can be established, and while most often expected experiences can be discussed, each case is still a unique, creative experience.

While at the book store, I skim a book to see if it is one I want to own. I buy it. Then it sits on the shelf and gather's dust. Finally I am ready to learn more about the disease and I pick up the book and begin reading. I read and I learn. I read and I cry. I read and I fear for the future. And I put the book back on the shelf. And I again work at living in the present.

I have never completed any of the numerous books on Alzheimer's Disease that I own. It gets too depressing when you are looking at other people's situations and it is all too easy to begin to obsess about you and your partner's future with the disease. Which may or may not realize itself in any predicable way based on what you have read.

The reading has been useful, has taught me a lot, and to a certain degree has helped me understand the "present" of the disease and prepare for the future. More often I have come to my own conclusions about dealing with the day to day of the disease without the help of any of the books sitting on my shelf. The books have confirmed what I already knew, had already experienced, or had learned by doing of it.

The inherent problem with books on Alzheimer's Disease is that they talk about someone else's present, how their present became their future, and what to expect as the disease progresses. I get too overwhelmed and too depressed and my "present" begins to suffer. So I put the book down and while better armed for the future, I avoid thinking about it. I reaffirm that all one really has is the present. And I go on.