Dreams Can Be Lessons

Last night I woke up from a dream in a panic . I do that now and then. Short of breath, tears in my eyes, needing to sob quietly so as not to wake Gregory. I calmed myself down, went to the bathroom, washed my face, and sat in the living room trying to remain calm and think through the dream.

In the dream, Gregory was trying to make a group of friends understand an architectural concept and was having great difficulties constructing his thoughts. The friends were asking questions, seeking clarification, and challenging some of what he was saying. Gregory continued to struggle to get his words together and out in a coherent stream and became more and more frustrated. He looked to me to help him tell the group what he was talking about but I couldn't understand what he was trying to say either.

I tried to get the group of friends to slow down and be more patient. I tried to get Gregory to slow down and be more calm. I tried to understand what he was trying to share. To no avail. I continued to feel the pressure mount, probably somewhat surreally, as dreams like to do.

Perhaps an added pressure on my dream is my current work on getting my manuscript together for review by a publisher that has requested to read it. In my panic I decided I couldn't do this. Gregory is going to get much worse then I can begin to imagine. How can I continue to remain supportive and optimistic and joyful when I am feeling angry, pessimistic, and fearful?

I decided that I was going to quit writing. Quit trying to share my experiences with Gregory and Alzheimer's. How can I think that I can really get a handle on this disease, on our difficult days, on his brain playing serious games with his thinking, continued language loss, more difficulties with day to day activities? How can I re-live everything three times: First the experience. Next dealing and thinking it through. Third, writing about it. Too much. Too much! I finally fell asleep and rested fairly well until my alarm went off.

Later that morning the lesson came to me. "You can only do what you can do." Release the pressure. You have been able to adjust and compensate so far, you will continue to do so. One memory loss at a time, I will figure out how to approach the next one when it happens. I will be more observant about what Gregory can tolerate and what he cannot and not put him in difficult situations.

Our life, my life, will change as his life changes. Our friends and family are supportive and aware, it was only the dream that made it feel ugly. My fear of the future kicked in. My fear of my inadequacies kicked in. But the future isn't here yet, so relax and enjoy today! And I continue to do a good job being supportive of his needs and mine, so relax and enjoy today. That was my message this morning. Not bad for a night's work!