Conversations

Sometimes I will have a conversation with Gregory after a trying exchange. I will explain why I reacted as I did and how I plan to try to react in the future. I explain my rational. Most likely he does not remember the conversation but I cannot say for sure that he doesn't. What I do know is that I cannot bring myself to change my behavior or approach to him without trying to explain it. Possibly it is my way of explaining to myself what I need to do to be a better caregiving partner and possibly my way of holding onto our relationship as a "couple" rather than being an individual making unilateral decisions. Gregory seems to appreciate my sharing my feelings with him.

This is how one such "conversation" went last night. While he was not remembering how to put on his night shirt, brush his teeth, or swallow his pills I held back and said or did nothing. I have found that if I try to anticipate his needs, guess his needs, or intervene too soon ... I only serve as a further distraction. Sometimes given enough time he will solve his own problem. Periodically I tell him that "I am holding back to give you space." He seems to appreciate that.

I have decided (for now) and told him that I do not think it is fair or respectful to him when I take over without being asked. I reviewed that we have talked about previously about my helping often being more of a distraction and hinderance than a help. I told him that if he needed help, he needed to ask for it and I would give it freely, gladly, and supportively.

But I just need to stop jumping in too soon (especially if it isn't a matter of safety.) This is a very difficult stance for me because it is very difficult for me to just watch or see him suffer and do nothing. He may or may not remember to ask for help but I will mention this every now and then as a possible reminder. Obviously I will also be monitoring his needs and make changes as needed. For example if he continues having trouble swallowing his medications and vitamins, I have found a liquid substitute. I just don't want to assume that it is needed now.