Extreme Trust

Over the last few weeks I have been posting about End of Life topics.

1) I dealt with not sending Gregory to ER when his fever would not break even though the doctor though I should.

2) I thought about under what conditions I would use ER.

3) I revisited Gregory and my previous conversations about "no heroics, do not resuscitate, no inadvertent prolonging of life."

4) I made the decision to apply for Hospice (which while dealing with end of life does not mean that death is just around the corner.)

I am aware that all of these dealings are easy for me on an INTELLECTUAL level, but then the EMOTIONAL level creeps in and I cry, and sob, and want to get hysterical and scream and rend and smash.

While I enjoy being with Gregory and am able to love him as he is today, in his world, I also know that I do not want him to "stick around" for my benefit and I know that his condition will continue to get worse.

The separation will not be easy but I know that I will get through it. I also know that while I can decide, via Power of Attorney over Health, what measure will be taken; I cannot decide when his life will begin to end. That is his job and the universe which watches over him.

So getting to the point of this post. It is not easy making these decisions on Gregory's behalf. The first thought that came to mind was what "Extreme Trust" he has placed in me to make these decisions.

Then a second through quickly replaced the first, which helps explain why these have been emotional times for me.

The EXTREME TRUST is that which I place in myself to be able to make these decisions on Gregory's behalf!