End, Begin, End, Begin ... Change and Change Again.

This blog was written last Saturday after a very difficult day. I knew I would have to sit on it for a day or two and am glad I did. The purpose was to get it all "off my chest." Having written it was a way of putting it to sleep for a while, giving me time to process. By Monday I am doing much better and realized that through my frustration and impatience, I had lost myself ... not Gregory. I am found and things are working again, for a while. I have been able to come back from "black and white" and lead my life with Gregory in "shades of gray" again. I have been able to reform my thinking, again, and our life is good. Welcome home.

Today has been a day of everything not working. For the most part I have been supportive but by dinner time I lost it. Twice today, when he couldn't do something, after several failed attempts at my trying to help, I just nicely took over and did it myself. Or I just paused to give him space to think something though.


Both times he got upset and accused me (although gently) of being inappropriate. "Why are you doing this?" "What are you trying to do to me?" And this doesn't take into account the other dozen or so interactions/activities that didn't work. That I didn't know how to deal with or react to.


While I know it's the Alzheimer's, it still hurts and I take it personally. If only because I was not only trying to be supportive, but I was being careful to be loving and not make him feel bad and it still didn't work. His reply several times was, "Now I know." But I know that he may or may not "know" the next time. Crap shoot! Throw of the dice.


Tonight I have decided that I am divorcing the old Gregory while I continue to live with and support the new, unfamiliar one. The Gregory I love is dead. I am killing the illusion. Until now I have behaved as if there was still a relationship. Now it seems as though there is nothing to relate to.


The responsibility to the new Gregory will continue but I will no longer ask his help for ANYTHING because I do not know when it will backfire on me and I can no longer take the emotional risk. If he feels bad that I do not ask for his help, if he feels useless, I cannot help it.


And to save me from these blows, I will not tell him of or discuss the changes anymore. I will just make them. Instead of saying, "Hon, let me do the water for dinner from now on." because he gets so confused doing them, I will just not ask and do it myself. I used to explain changes saying that it might be better for me to take over with this or that, but now I will just do it with no more explaining. No announcement, no explanation, no warning, NO APOLOGIES.


He continues to want to know, to understand, to learn. But he is not capable of it and I am not capable of supporting an impossible situation. I will just do it for him.


If I am going to be living in a one-sided relationship then I am going to have to make all the decisions and live my way. I can no longer take him or his feelings into account. I will not be mean or rude or disrespectful but I will have to begin treating him like the new person he has become.


This new stance may make him feel bad but "bad" is how it seems to be most of the time now. I can no longer try to anticipate and make it all OK. It is NOT OK. Never will be again. I give up the old ways. I forge a new way for myself and must leave him behind. I try to forgive myself and him. I cannot worry about what will be good for him except to keep him safe from harm, fed, clothed, and now and then entertained.


I cannot begin to tell you how lonely and sad I feel. How alone. How alone even with all those around who support and love us, so alone. Maybe this is just a rant. Maybe it will be different later. Maybe not. Maybe nothing has changed except I am seeing things differently. But somehow I need to change or I will not survive this. Maybe. I hope I can be strong enough to begin this new life.


Again, the above italicized text has passed and I do not feel the need to be so extreme in my thinking but it did help to get it off my check and move on.