Escape

When I tell my therapist that sometimes I feel like I cannot ESCAPE the 360 of caregiving for Gregory, he helps me reword it. He says that if I was trying to escape I wouldn't be sticking it out and I wouldn't be giving my all to keep Gregory safe, content, and to maintain purpose in his life.

Perhaps what I am looking for is just a "little time away" without the caregiving sitting in a little corner of my mind needing attention. I have slowly learned to find those free moments and recognize them when they do arrive. More later.

When I leave him alone I trust he will do well (and I will continue to leave him until he does not do well) but I call in to see how he's doing. Or he can still call me when he gets into trouble. Before I leave I have to set up his meal.

When he is with me I monitor his whereabouts and sometimes have to coach his behavior. I help him choose clothes and notice the weather. I double check that his cell phone is on and that his pockets are filled. We bring water for the car. I make sure a jacket is with us if it might be cool or air conditioned. I order for him at the restaurant, 

When we are fast asleep, like the good mother who knows when the new baby needs her, I am instantly awake when he needs me. Through my own exhaustion I soothe his nightmares, help calm his hallucinations, double check to make sure he is just up to the bathroom or that he does get up to the bathroom so as not to wet the bed.

I organize outings with friends and organize parties in our home because he thrives on being with people. I do all the planning, the work, and the clean up. But worth it because he loves it. We also go to movies, theater, field trips, museums, etc.

I have learned to search out those "time away" moments and to see them when they do arrive. When he is fast asleep, I am free. When he is reading in the living room, I am free. When I get involved in a good book or movie, I am free. When I go for a walk by myself and notice the flowers, I am free. When I get an hour massage, I am free. When I am holding his hand, I am free. When I remember that I do all of this out of love, I AM FREE!