The other day I was analyzing my life. No, not on paper but in a few minutes of day dreaming. When I arrived back, I realized that my life was pretty predictable and I liked it that way. I know that things can always change on a moment's notice but at least for today, and probably tomorrow, my life is predictable.
For example, I no longer worry about career path. I am what I am and while I still have ambitions, I do not worry about my next job, my next college degree, my next obligation to the world. I only have to worry about my next obligation to myself and to those I love.
I do not have to worry about a growing family, about sending my kids to college, about having my kids move back into the house, about buying and furnishing a new house. I do not have to think about moving, about which city I want to live in, about needing a new car.
I have a wonderful family of relatives and a wonderful family of friends. Sometimes it is difficult to keep in touch with all of our friends let alone worry about finding new ones. For the most part my friends have been friends for ten, twenty, thirty years. By now we all know each other pretty well, accept each other for who we are, and do not stand on pretenses or assumptions.
I can choose from any number of favorite restaurants at which to eat, grocery stores at which to shop, cinemas at which to watch movies, museums to attend, operas musicals and plays to see, paths in the neighborhood on which to walk.
Having reached a certain age I do not have to do things I do not want to do or go places I do not want to go. Since the aging process is a slow one, very often by the time an ability is gone I find that I do not miss it.
Even my life with Gregory has become predictable. Whenever I think he is, he isn't. Whenever I think he knows, he doesn't. When things are supposed to be in place, they usually aren't. When tasks are reportedly accomplished most likely they are not. When conversations are initiated by him, they do not reach completion. When memories are searched they remain hidden. Associations are not associated and connections are not connected.
I have learned to live this way and even on our journey with Alzheimer's, I am strangely content.
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